Last night, this earth lost one of the most beautiful and inspiring women I ever had the fortune of knowing. She was one of those rare teachers who demanded excellence all while encouraging your unique talents. She was one of those rare mothers who managed to be there on every level for her children and remember that it was the memories that counted. She was one of those rare women who simply lit up a room, put warmth in your heart and radiated with God's love. And it always seems those rare women are the one's that leave us too soon.
Kris Ross leaves three children and a husband behind. She leaves her family here. She leaves countless friends here. And now she sits with her Father, watching and keeping peace and strength for those of us that mourn. She is the epitome of what a guardian angel should be. And what an amazing guardian angel those three children and her husband now have.
Deaths like these make anger a quick response. What a wretched disease breast cancer is. You want rail against the injustice of such a lovely life being ended before she got to see her children graduate high school, or get married, or have children of their own. What a fantastic grandmother she would have been! Deaths like this, make screaming at the heavens seem intelligent. The loss that this world feels, the mourning that is felt, just seems to large to cope with. But in the end the screaming only leaves you feeling hollow. The anger only leaves you feeling empty.
So I'll thank God today. For a woman who encouraged my 8th grade self when it was desperately needed. For a woman who saw something in my writing that until recently I had forgotten I possessed. I'll thank God she was placed in our community for that short period. For the lives she altered, for the paths she changed. I'll thank Him for the three lives she carried and nurtured. I'll say thank you that they knew their mother if only for a brief time. Thank you for allowing her to be Todd's wife. Thank you for allowing her to be a friend and an inspiration. Thank you for her life.
Today I will forget the laundry and the dishes and chores and endless tasks that always replicate and never end. And I will watch a movie with my boys and hold them. I will finger paint and make play dough sculptures and bake sugar cookies. I WILL be thankful for what I've been given. I will actually pay attention when I kiss my husband hello tonight and allow myself to be present. I will take moment and stop, and look around and be thankful. I've been given such a beautiful life. And am so lucky it was touched by Kris Ross. Her body may no longer be here but her spirit lives on forever. Thank you.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Month 2 of Hive Hell
So after a month it is more than time to go back to my primary care physician and talk about an allergist. He'd run some prelim tests in which not much came back and didn't really tell us anything and let's see we are going on 6 weeks and I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! To say it's frustrating just doesn't cover the magnitude of the issue.
Everyday I wake up and hope and pray there aren't new hives on my body. Everyday I hope and pray that when I get home from the gym there aren't new hives on my body. Everyday I hope and pray that I will just make it through the day without wanting to rip off my skin or itch or rub or cry from the pure and very unsatisfying feelings of failure to help myself and self loathing. You see, when you take a woman who already has severe body issues, who already thinks she is failing at life in most areas (another blog, another day) and keep her from going to the gym or being able to drink a glass of wine because of all the meds, or garden or take a walk because of the ridiculous heat, you keep her from being able to soak in a hot tub or take a hot shower because, again, of the heat... well, then you've taken every single on of her stress relievers. When you take away every single one of my stress relievers and I'm left with nothing but my words and my feelings, you've left me in a very lonely place where I can very easily self destruct. And I turn to food. I turn to food to comfort me. I turn to food.
So at week 6 I'm in to see an allergy specialist. His name is Dr. Herscher and I've got to be honest here, he just doesn't inspire a whole lot of confidence. I explain everything: the hives, when they started, the swelling, when that started, the uncontrollable nature of everything. No I can't pin point a specific detail tying it all together. Yes it happens all the time. No I'm not using anything new. Yes, I've tried multiple topical products. Yes, I'm taking anti-histamines. Here's what I'm on: Benedryl, Zyrtec, Zantac, Doxepin. Zyrtec and Zantac twice a day, Benedryl as needed. Doxepin at night. I'm the walking dead. Do you know how I feel on a daily basis ingesting all of that?
He looks at me, throws out a couple of possibilites but he's pretty sure it's food related. Asks me what I eat a lot of and starts ticking off boxes. In the end, I'm leaving with a lab request for Lab Corp. A VERY LONG lab request for Lab Corp. With almost every food I eat regularly and things like gluten and bulgar and wheat, and all of the outside stimulants: grasses and pollen and trees.
Now, see, I've only been on the Doxepin for about a week and it is helping. I think I had about 4 or 5 days without any hives! And those days felt like heaven, literal heaven. I almost felt normal. Except for the waiting for the other shoe to drop part. And we go on vacation. My oldest niece, Chelsey, was graduating from high school and we decided to take the boys to Sea World. My appointment was on a Friday and I didn't have time to go to Lab Corp before we left so I went when we got back.
Almost three weeks later!!! And still no results. Partly due to this: So it turns out the swelling does have a small link. Sex. Intercourse. Yeah, that sucks. Within hours afterwards, every time, something swells. It obviously did not take long to uh, put two and two together, but once I did, I called, assuming that new tests might need to be run. I was, of course, right and now I'm stuck waiting longer for results since we added to the requests and had to come in and draw some more blood. This little piece of info has put a major damper on my relationship with my husband. Sex = swelling. No sex = no swelling. Well you can figure out which equation we function under currently.
This brings us to now. Specifically, last Friday. June 8, 2011. I finally get a call. You know 10 weeks from the beginning of all this insanity. 10 weeks of HIVE HELL. As it turns out I'm allergic to quite a few things. We'll start with the level 1's: Chicken, Strawberry, Zucchini. The level 2's: Peaches, Pineapple, Summer squash, Winter squash, Pumpkin, Broccoli, Citrus Fruit. And for the next month I have to give all of these up. All of them. Don't touch them, don't eat them, don't even look at them. They are off limits. They are food bombs.
Everyday I wake up and hope and pray there aren't new hives on my body. Everyday I hope and pray that when I get home from the gym there aren't new hives on my body. Everyday I hope and pray that I will just make it through the day without wanting to rip off my skin or itch or rub or cry from the pure and very unsatisfying feelings of failure to help myself and self loathing. You see, when you take a woman who already has severe body issues, who already thinks she is failing at life in most areas (another blog, another day) and keep her from going to the gym or being able to drink a glass of wine because of all the meds, or garden or take a walk because of the ridiculous heat, you keep her from being able to soak in a hot tub or take a hot shower because, again, of the heat... well, then you've taken every single on of her stress relievers. When you take away every single one of my stress relievers and I'm left with nothing but my words and my feelings, you've left me in a very lonely place where I can very easily self destruct. And I turn to food. I turn to food to comfort me. I turn to food.
So at week 6 I'm in to see an allergy specialist. His name is Dr. Herscher and I've got to be honest here, he just doesn't inspire a whole lot of confidence. I explain everything: the hives, when they started, the swelling, when that started, the uncontrollable nature of everything. No I can't pin point a specific detail tying it all together. Yes it happens all the time. No I'm not using anything new. Yes, I've tried multiple topical products. Yes, I'm taking anti-histamines. Here's what I'm on: Benedryl, Zyrtec, Zantac, Doxepin. Zyrtec and Zantac twice a day, Benedryl as needed. Doxepin at night. I'm the walking dead. Do you know how I feel on a daily basis ingesting all of that?
He looks at me, throws out a couple of possibilites but he's pretty sure it's food related. Asks me what I eat a lot of and starts ticking off boxes. In the end, I'm leaving with a lab request for Lab Corp. A VERY LONG lab request for Lab Corp. With almost every food I eat regularly and things like gluten and bulgar and wheat, and all of the outside stimulants: grasses and pollen and trees.
Now, see, I've only been on the Doxepin for about a week and it is helping. I think I had about 4 or 5 days without any hives! And those days felt like heaven, literal heaven. I almost felt normal. Except for the waiting for the other shoe to drop part. And we go on vacation. My oldest niece, Chelsey, was graduating from high school and we decided to take the boys to Sea World. My appointment was on a Friday and I didn't have time to go to Lab Corp before we left so I went when we got back.
Almost three weeks later!!! And still no results. Partly due to this: So it turns out the swelling does have a small link. Sex. Intercourse. Yeah, that sucks. Within hours afterwards, every time, something swells. It obviously did not take long to uh, put two and two together, but once I did, I called, assuming that new tests might need to be run. I was, of course, right and now I'm stuck waiting longer for results since we added to the requests and had to come in and draw some more blood. This little piece of info has put a major damper on my relationship with my husband. Sex = swelling. No sex = no swelling. Well you can figure out which equation we function under currently.
This brings us to now. Specifically, last Friday. June 8, 2011. I finally get a call. You know 10 weeks from the beginning of all this insanity. 10 weeks of HIVE HELL. As it turns out I'm allergic to quite a few things. We'll start with the level 1's: Chicken, Strawberry, Zucchini. The level 2's: Peaches, Pineapple, Summer squash, Winter squash, Pumpkin, Broccoli, Citrus Fruit. And for the next month I have to give all of these up. All of them. Don't touch them, don't eat them, don't even look at them. They are off limits. They are food bombs.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Month 1 of Hive Hell
I have hives. It's technical name being Chronic Urticaria as they have now existed on my body for longer than 8 weeks with no explanation and/or cause/cure. Here is what I have to say about this information:
RATCHFLATCHABRANCHABREDGAFLATCHABBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!
So with that said... Let me explain whats going on, my journey with this nonsense and why I've finally come here. Either Easter weekend or the week following I began breaking out in random hives. We're not sure as to the exact date because I thought I'd been bitten by mosquitoes Easter weekend in Ozona but now we think those "bites" were probably early hives. These raised welts on my body were small at first. Itched like the dickens but really, could be ignored if I just tried really hard. It was about a week after this that I realized they were hives and not mosquito bites. Really though, I wasn't worried. I just assumed I had gotten into something and that eventually it would run through my system and all of this would go away.
And then the swelling started. First was my right eye. Jason was playing a game, I was playing with the iPad and as bedtime drew closer I thought my eye was feeling funny but I just figured I was tired and it was heavy and it was time for me to drift off to sleepy-time land. And when I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth I was in for a rude awakening. My "heavy, sleep-time" eye was nearly swollen closed. At this point in our little drama, let the worry and freaking out begin because now I'm scared.
Problem was, in the morning it was fine and so I had nothing to take to a doctor but a grainy iPhone picture of my swollen eye. So I didn't go. Should have gone, most definitely but I didn't. I waited it out.
Meanwhile the hives had increased in size, frequency and symptoms. No longer just itchy, they hurt and when or if you itched them they burned. They stayed mostly on the core of my body: stomach, thighs, rear, back, chest, etc. And they could get HUGE! By the first weeks of May, my brain was boggled. I hadn't started using anything new. No creams or lotions, laundry detergents, fabric softeners, washes or fabrics. Everything was same old-same old and it was pissing me off.
And then my lip swelled. I woke up around 3am needing to go potty and I new my lip felt funny but I was tired and still half asleep so I just fell back in bed. Well at 6:30 when I woke up, funny was not the word I'd use any longer. I could not close my mouth. So I ran to the bathroom and flipped on the lights and stared straight into the mirror at a lip that appeared to have been given collagen injections by an untrained monkey. IT WAS HUGE! And that is almost an understatement. My bottom lip was so swollen I could put my lips together (insert inappropriate race driven joke here). And it throbbed! So at 8am, I called the doctor. Made my appointment and though by the time I could be seen most of the swelling had gone down I had more photos!
I explained everything to the doctor, he asked me questions about products, I answered in kind and he prescribed a steroid. I was in heaven because I assumed that now that I had a drug things were going to get better. I was soooooooo wrong!
Less than a week after I started this steroid, which to be honest was not helping at all, I got home from the gym with a headache. It had started that morning, I had hoped working out would help ease it, it hadn't so I turned to my trusty friend Ibuprofen. Did you know that Ibuprofen and Ibuprofen products can worsen the effect of skin conditions, such as hives and rashes? Neither did I! And so, by the time Jason got home I was in Hive Hell. A new Hive Hell. One where I could not stand still nor touch any part of my body because the mere brush of my hand against one of these areas made me feel as if some kind of living organism was underneath my epidermis and trying to scratch its way out. They covered my torso and working there way up my breasts onto my chest. They were all over my thighs and working there way to areas I'd much prefer not discuss here... but let's just say that those areas would be inappropriate to scratch in public.
Off to Care Now I go as it is after doctor's hours. I'm in hope that I will meet the guru of unexplainable hives and he'll tell me all the answers to all of my questions and prescribe me a miracle cure that will save me from wanting to peel off my skin. I of course, must wait 2 hours before seeing this guru because moments before I walked in the door, a bleeding toddler was brought in and he is priority #1. Gotta make sure those babies don't die... and all that jazz!
I was, of course, and again, wrong. I get another lecture about stress induced hives and that I need allergy work up done and blah, blah, blah. Enter nurse with cortisone shot and I am saved from my evil hands and the imaginary organisms burrowing under my top layer of skin.
Now let me stress that it's been a month now and the hives have just gotten worse. Are worsened by any type of strenuous activity or sweating. I now know I cannot take Ibuprofen, my go to drug for all pain, and random swelling is keeping me from leaving my house. Welcome to Month 1 of Hive Hell.
RATCHFLATCHABRANCHABREDGAFLATCHABBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!
So with that said... Let me explain whats going on, my journey with this nonsense and why I've finally come here. Either Easter weekend or the week following I began breaking out in random hives. We're not sure as to the exact date because I thought I'd been bitten by mosquitoes Easter weekend in Ozona but now we think those "bites" were probably early hives. These raised welts on my body were small at first. Itched like the dickens but really, could be ignored if I just tried really hard. It was about a week after this that I realized they were hives and not mosquito bites. Really though, I wasn't worried. I just assumed I had gotten into something and that eventually it would run through my system and all of this would go away.
And then the swelling started. First was my right eye. Jason was playing a game, I was playing with the iPad and as bedtime drew closer I thought my eye was feeling funny but I just figured I was tired and it was heavy and it was time for me to drift off to sleepy-time land. And when I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth I was in for a rude awakening. My "heavy, sleep-time" eye was nearly swollen closed. At this point in our little drama, let the worry and freaking out begin because now I'm scared.
Problem was, in the morning it was fine and so I had nothing to take to a doctor but a grainy iPhone picture of my swollen eye. So I didn't go. Should have gone, most definitely but I didn't. I waited it out.
Meanwhile the hives had increased in size, frequency and symptoms. No longer just itchy, they hurt and when or if you itched them they burned. They stayed mostly on the core of my body: stomach, thighs, rear, back, chest, etc. And they could get HUGE! By the first weeks of May, my brain was boggled. I hadn't started using anything new. No creams or lotions, laundry detergents, fabric softeners, washes or fabrics. Everything was same old-same old and it was pissing me off.
And then my lip swelled. I woke up around 3am needing to go potty and I new my lip felt funny but I was tired and still half asleep so I just fell back in bed. Well at 6:30 when I woke up, funny was not the word I'd use any longer. I could not close my mouth. So I ran to the bathroom and flipped on the lights and stared straight into the mirror at a lip that appeared to have been given collagen injections by an untrained monkey. IT WAS HUGE! And that is almost an understatement. My bottom lip was so swollen I could put my lips together (insert inappropriate race driven joke here). And it throbbed! So at 8am, I called the doctor. Made my appointment and though by the time I could be seen most of the swelling had gone down I had more photos!
I explained everything to the doctor, he asked me questions about products, I answered in kind and he prescribed a steroid. I was in heaven because I assumed that now that I had a drug things were going to get better. I was soooooooo wrong!
Less than a week after I started this steroid, which to be honest was not helping at all, I got home from the gym with a headache. It had started that morning, I had hoped working out would help ease it, it hadn't so I turned to my trusty friend Ibuprofen. Did you know that Ibuprofen and Ibuprofen products can worsen the effect of skin conditions, such as hives and rashes? Neither did I! And so, by the time Jason got home I was in Hive Hell. A new Hive Hell. One where I could not stand still nor touch any part of my body because the mere brush of my hand against one of these areas made me feel as if some kind of living organism was underneath my epidermis and trying to scratch its way out. They covered my torso and working there way up my breasts onto my chest. They were all over my thighs and working there way to areas I'd much prefer not discuss here... but let's just say that those areas would be inappropriate to scratch in public.
Off to Care Now I go as it is after doctor's hours. I'm in hope that I will meet the guru of unexplainable hives and he'll tell me all the answers to all of my questions and prescribe me a miracle cure that will save me from wanting to peel off my skin. I of course, must wait 2 hours before seeing this guru because moments before I walked in the door, a bleeding toddler was brought in and he is priority #1. Gotta make sure those babies don't die... and all that jazz!
I was, of course, and again, wrong. I get another lecture about stress induced hives and that I need allergy work up done and blah, blah, blah. Enter nurse with cortisone shot and I am saved from my evil hands and the imaginary organisms burrowing under my top layer of skin.
Now let me stress that it's been a month now and the hives have just gotten worse. Are worsened by any type of strenuous activity or sweating. I now know I cannot take Ibuprofen, my go to drug for all pain, and random swelling is keeping me from leaving my house. Welcome to Month 1 of Hive Hell.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The 30 Before 30 List
And that is it ladies and gents! The 30 things I want to do before I'm 30. Today is June 13, 2011. I turn 30 on February 18, 2014. So I have 980 days (I did the math so it might be/ probably is a little off). Wow! That doesn't seem like that many days does it? So here is the full list with links to each page and how I'm doing so far.
1: A Healthier Me - I've started, but I wouldn't say I've reached the goal yet
2: Finish College - Nope
5: Conquering Yeast Breads - Nope
6: Walk in the 3-Day - Nope/ Haven't signed up yet... Am I walking this year?
7: Lose My Black Thumb or Grow a Green Thumb - I have a pretty awesome garden started...
8: Learn to Love Running - I've started but there are no warm fuzzies for the experience yet.
9: Run a Half Marathon - Nope
10: APPARENTLY I DID NOT THINK OF ONE... I'LL WORK ON THAT
11: Paint My Bedroom - I've picked a color!
12: Play Golf - I've thought about it but no...
13: Attend More Live Music Events - Nope
14: Volunteer - Nope
15: The Improv - Nope
16: Stop Procrastinating - Okay I am wokring on this but the goal has not been realized yet.
17: Meditate - Nope, but I'm really beginning to see how important it is!
18: Re-Do My Baby Albums - Nope
19: Experiencing Mother Nature - Nope
20: Try 1 New Recipe A Week - We are trying this... in fact we've been trying a lot of new recipes!
21: Learn To Make My Bed Every Day - Today marks day #1!
22: Take a Knife Skills Class - Nope
23: Read 5 Classic Novels I've Never Read - Nope
24: Go On A Cruise - Nope
25: Really Learn To Knit - Nope
26: Attend Sporting Events - Nope
27: The 365 Project - Nope
28: Buy A Scale - Nope
29: Scrapbook Jason's Boy Scout Photos - Nope
30: Buy A House - Nope
So that is where I stand. I'll update periodically so keep checking back!
1: A Healthier Me - I've started, but I wouldn't say I've reached the goal yet
2: Finish College - Nope
3: Get An Agent - Nope
4: Scrapbooking - I have started but I haven't reached that ultimate goal of doing it weekly.5: Conquering Yeast Breads - Nope
6: Walk in the 3-Day - Nope/ Haven't signed up yet... Am I walking this year?
7: Lose My Black Thumb or Grow a Green Thumb - I have a pretty awesome garden started...
8: Learn to Love Running - I've started but there are no warm fuzzies for the experience yet.
9: Run a Half Marathon - Nope
10: APPARENTLY I DID NOT THINK OF ONE... I'LL WORK ON THAT
11: Paint My Bedroom - I've picked a color!
12: Play Golf - I've thought about it but no...
13: Attend More Live Music Events - Nope
14: Volunteer - Nope
15: The Improv - Nope
16: Stop Procrastinating - Okay I am wokring on this but the goal has not been realized yet.
17: Meditate - Nope, but I'm really beginning to see how important it is!
18: Re-Do My Baby Albums - Nope
19: Experiencing Mother Nature - Nope
20: Try 1 New Recipe A Week - We are trying this... in fact we've been trying a lot of new recipes!
21: Learn To Make My Bed Every Day - Today marks day #1!
22: Take a Knife Skills Class - Nope
23: Read 5 Classic Novels I've Never Read - Nope
24: Go On A Cruise - Nope
25: Really Learn To Knit - Nope
26: Attend Sporting Events - Nope
27: The 365 Project - Nope
28: Buy A Scale - Nope
29: Scrapbook Jason's Boy Scout Photos - Nope
30: Buy A House - Nope
So that is where I stand. I'll update periodically so keep checking back!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
#30: Buy a House
If you don't know this, we rent. It's a long drawn out story, one I'm not going to get into, but we rent our house. And we'd like to own one. I think.
I can't really decide. I'm having trouble seeing the upside as I like that someone else takes care of the major problems but I have been told that home ownership is one of those things you have to do in your life. That's it like the icing on the cake of adulthood. That you aren't completely an adult until you own a home. Like I said I'm not seeing he advantage but I'll do the research, I'm sure I'll get there.
So we will buy a house before I'm 30.
I can't really decide. I'm having trouble seeing the upside as I like that someone else takes care of the major problems but I have been told that home ownership is one of those things you have to do in your life. That's it like the icing on the cake of adulthood. That you aren't completely an adult until you own a home. Like I said I'm not seeing he advantage but I'll do the research, I'm sure I'll get there.
So we will buy a house before I'm 30.
#29: Scrapbook Jason's Boy Scout Photos
Two years ago I bought everything I needed to do this. Asked Lynda for photos, got a jump start on it, wanted to give it to him for Christmas and NEVER finished. I'd really like to do it before my kiddos become cub scouts. And since Carson can do that at age 6, I need to finish up with that album before I'm 30.
Not to mention, it would mean a lot to Jason and I love him. Boy Scouts, becoming an Eagle Scout were very important milestones in his life and he deserves a memento that honors his hard work and all of his efforts. The scrapbook can be his way of showing the boys what Boy Scouts can provide for them. The knowledge and skills they will be taught. I believe scrapbooks are story books that chronicle the stories that make our lives what they are. The stories are what make the pictures. Those are the memories and that is important.
Not to mention, it would mean a lot to Jason and I love him. Boy Scouts, becoming an Eagle Scout were very important milestones in his life and he deserves a memento that honors his hard work and all of his efforts. The scrapbook can be his way of showing the boys what Boy Scouts can provide for them. The knowledge and skills they will be taught. I believe scrapbooks are story books that chronicle the stories that make our lives what they are. The stories are what make the pictures. Those are the memories and that is important.
#28: Buy a Scale
Oh my goodness. This seems so small doesn't it? Just walk into any Walmart or Target in our country and buy one, right? Right? Wrong!
That number is evil. And it isn't about the number, to tell the truth. I want my weight issues to be about liking myself. Looking in the mirror and being satisfied. Putting on a swimsuit and not being self conscious. I feel like women are trapped by the number. It's their center. Everything about how they feel about themselves, about their self worth and their beauty rests on that number! I know that I'm like that to a certain extent and I don't even have a scale to give me a daily readout of how I'm failing to control that NUMBER! AGH!
What is it about that NUMBER that controls us? I'm a tall, curvy woman. I get away with carrying around extra weight because my build hides it. I'm well proportioned. As skinny girls say, I'm voluptuous. I HATE that word.
I've digressed. I need to buy a scale. It's step 1 in facing my fear of the number. Taking back control. And I'll do that... sometime before I turn 30. Probably February 17, 2014.
That number is evil. And it isn't about the number, to tell the truth. I want my weight issues to be about liking myself. Looking in the mirror and being satisfied. Putting on a swimsuit and not being self conscious. I feel like women are trapped by the number. It's their center. Everything about how they feel about themselves, about their self worth and their beauty rests on that number! I know that I'm like that to a certain extent and I don't even have a scale to give me a daily readout of how I'm failing to control that NUMBER! AGH!
What is it about that NUMBER that controls us? I'm a tall, curvy woman. I get away with carrying around extra weight because my build hides it. I'm well proportioned. As skinny girls say, I'm voluptuous. I HATE that word.
I've digressed. I need to buy a scale. It's step 1 in facing my fear of the number. Taking back control. And I'll do that... sometime before I turn 30. Probably February 17, 2014.
#27: The 365 Project
The 365 project is a photography project where you document a year of your life by taking a daily photo. We want to help you build a picture of the little day to day things that make your life so special and unique. Everyone can take part and join in! All you need is a camera.
That. Up, there. Is what the website says. I'd like to do that. It gives me an excuse to play with my camera more. As if I really needed one but hey, this is about trying new things, using my camera in different ways. Here goes!
Go Here to read more.
That. Up, there. Is what the website says. I'd like to do that. It gives me an excuse to play with my camera more. As if I really needed one but hey, this is about trying new things, using my camera in different ways. Here goes!
Go Here to read more.
#26: Attend Sporting Events
I'm working on a specific number of sporting events. I'm thinking 5. My husband is not the sportiest person in the world and therefore when we are thinking of entertainment it is not where we lean. But I know the boys would benefit from attending. I know it would open their little minds to the different types of physical activity that is out there. I was active in sports and believe in them as teaching tools for children. I believe in team work. I promise, I really am as cheesy as you think I am.
With that said, it does not mean we must attend football games.
There is soccer and hockey and Nascar and baseball. I like football and basketball as much as the next person but having been from West Texas and a town that was REALLY into women's basketball... I think I've had my fill of those two to last me a few more years. Not that I wouldn't love to go to a football or basketball game should the tickets fall into my lap... I'm just not buying them. Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban have plenty of money.
So I think 7... attend 7 sporting events before I'm 30. We can do this!
With that said, it does not mean we must attend football games.
There is soccer and hockey and Nascar and baseball. I like football and basketball as much as the next person but having been from West Texas and a town that was REALLY into women's basketball... I think I've had my fill of those two to last me a few more years. Not that I wouldn't love to go to a football or basketball game should the tickets fall into my lap... I'm just not buying them. Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban have plenty of money.
So I think 7... attend 7 sporting events before I'm 30. We can do this!
#25: Really Learn to Knit
I sort of learned once. I started a scarf, almost finished it, rolled it up and never looked at it again. I think this is something I would be good at. Could enjoy, you know because I totally need another hobby, and could teach my grandchildren some day. Just something I'd like to learn. You can never learn enough right? Learning keeps you young? Damn, I hope so!
#24: Go On a Cruise
Ultimately I'd like to do this with just my husband, Jason... but if I must bring along my children I would like it to be a Disney Cruise as they have child care. I love my kids, I jut don't want to be with them every second of the day.
I love traveling. Going new places, seeing new things. I prefer car trips but as many of you know or will soon know. Car trips + children = HELL. Now as they get older DVD players are amazing but letting your children watch DVD's for 13 hours makes them extremely cranky. And normally I find children do not need any extra reasons to whine.
Also the idea of unpacking once, your hotel room traveling with you while you see multiple "awe" worthy sights is brilliant! Suitcases are NOT my friend. I am a very bad packer. I never know what I'll need, how much or how little. I feel a summer tropical cruise is pretty self explanatory and will not send my brain into overload.
There is water, too. I'm a fish. Seriously! If I could spend all day int eh water I would. My dream home has an indoor outdoor pool so I can enjoy it year round. Swimming is one of those things in life that just makes me blissfully happy. So pools on the ship, beaches on destination days. Win, win for me!
I love traveling. Going new places, seeing new things. I prefer car trips but as many of you know or will soon know. Car trips + children = HELL. Now as they get older DVD players are amazing but letting your children watch DVD's for 13 hours makes them extremely cranky. And normally I find children do not need any extra reasons to whine.
Also the idea of unpacking once, your hotel room traveling with you while you see multiple "awe" worthy sights is brilliant! Suitcases are NOT my friend. I am a very bad packer. I never know what I'll need, how much or how little. I feel a summer tropical cruise is pretty self explanatory and will not send my brain into overload.
There is water, too. I'm a fish. Seriously! If I could spend all day int eh water I would. My dream home has an indoor outdoor pool so I can enjoy it year round. Swimming is one of those things in life that just makes me blissfully happy. So pools on the ship, beaches on destination days. Win, win for me!
#23: Read 5 Classic Novels I've NEVER Read
I adore reading. Getting caught up in some other world. It's the actress in me. I put myself inside the story, not always as the lead, just a part of it. Anther place, time, era... I let my imagination run away with me and I simply adore it!
I don't want one of those e-reader thingys. I get it, they are simpler, they take up less space, new books are simply a click away, your options are seemingly endless. But I like books. The weight of them, the pages, the smell. New, old, whatever. I can spend hours inside book stores, scouring the aisles and I would I want to change that?
But I got to thinking... my knowledge of the classics is pretty limited. And I'd like to change that. So below are the 5 classic novels I'd like to read (or read again, with a higher knowledge of the text) before I turn 30.
1. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I read it when I was 13 and I'm pretty sure I didn't appreciate it fully)
2. 1984 by George Orwell
3. The Catcher in The Rye by JD Salinger
4. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
5.Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Have any I should add? I know there are tons and I could scour the shelves for years and never find them all. Help me out! Leave a comment...
I don't want one of those e-reader thingys. I get it, they are simpler, they take up less space, new books are simply a click away, your options are seemingly endless. But I like books. The weight of them, the pages, the smell. New, old, whatever. I can spend hours inside book stores, scouring the aisles and I would I want to change that?
But I got to thinking... my knowledge of the classics is pretty limited. And I'd like to change that. So below are the 5 classic novels I'd like to read (or read again, with a higher knowledge of the text) before I turn 30.
1. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I read it when I was 13 and I'm pretty sure I didn't appreciate it fully)
2. 1984 by George Orwell
3. The Catcher in The Rye by JD Salinger
4. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
5.Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Have any I should add? I know there are tons and I could scour the shelves for years and never find them all. Help me out! Leave a comment...
#22: Take a Knife Skills Class
We ALL know I LOVE to COOK!!! But I have to be honest, my knife skills are seriously lacking. I mean, I'm pretty positive that I could kill you if I needed to, but julienne slice you in under 24 hours? Probably not. And really, I'd like to be able to do that!
I don't know why but I'm just not very fast with my knives which slows down my cooking time and as much as I love to cook, I hate prepping for hours on end. It's frustrating! Central Market, Sur le Table and William's Sonoma all offer classes, now to sign up for one in my overly abundant free time!
I don't know why but I'm just not very fast with my knives which slows down my cooking time and as much as I love to cook, I hate prepping for hours on end. It's frustrating! Central Market, Sur le Table and William's Sonoma all offer classes, now to sign up for one in my overly abundant free time!
#21: Learn to Make my Bed EVERY DAY
Laugh... I know you want to. But I seriously, get so much more done in a day when I make my bed. It makes me feel productive. It makes my bedroom feel clean. I like the look of it... I mean HELLO!!!!!! I spent a lot of money on that silk comforter and those throw pillows and I put a lot of effort into making sure that that bed looks gorgeous when it is made up but... I rarely make it. Now does that make any kind of sense at all? No. In fact it's nonsensical in every sense of the word!
In order to keep some kind of track of this, I'll make little notes on my calendar in my phone. Most educators and people who are in "the know" tell us that in order to learn a behavior, a task must be repeated for 23 days in a row. So thats is the first step in this goal. Make my bed 23 days in a row.
Whoosh.
In order to keep some kind of track of this, I'll make little notes on my calendar in my phone. Most educators and people who are in "the know" tell us that in order to learn a behavior, a task must be repeated for 23 days in a row. So thats is the first step in this goal. Make my bed 23 days in a row.
Whoosh.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
#20: Try 1 New Recipe a Week
Oh food, how I love thee, let me count the ways...
1. You are yummy.
2. You make my tummy happy.
3. There is so much of you to try.
4. You are yummy.
5. I love all the ways to combine you together and make something new... ART!
6. I'll never be able to eat all of you.
7. You are both fancy and down to earth.
8. You are yummy.
9. You make me smile.
10. Butter.
11. Cream.
12. You are yummy.
I cold go on but really? What's the point? I love food and I love trying new foods and I want to try a 1 new recipe every week. I'm a stay at home Mom. This one just shouldn't be that hard.
YUM! FOOD!
1. You are yummy.
2. You make my tummy happy.
3. There is so much of you to try.
4. You are yummy.
5. I love all the ways to combine you together and make something new... ART!
6. I'll never be able to eat all of you.
7. You are both fancy and down to earth.
8. You are yummy.
9. You make me smile.
10. Butter.
11. Cream.
12. You are yummy.
I cold go on but really? What's the point? I love food and I love trying new foods and I want to try a 1 new recipe every week. I'm a stay at home Mom. This one just shouldn't be that hard.
YUM! FOOD!
#19: Experiencing Mother Nature
Jason loves to hike. And it is something we simply do not do. You know, there is the kiddos and busy weekends and we fill our time with important things like watching TV and movies and eating... So... I have this desire to start hiking.
For obvious reasons it correlates with a healthier me but mostly I love the outdoors and nature and there isn't a better way to fully experience it other than walking for hours on end. Man I'm selling this hiking thing aren't I?
Seriously though, I love doing it and as the kiddos get older it is something we can do with them. DFW is surrounds by great areas and sites and is a perfect jumping point. So it's time to get outside!
For obvious reasons it correlates with a healthier me but mostly I love the outdoors and nature and there isn't a better way to fully experience it other than walking for hours on end. Man I'm selling this hiking thing aren't I?
Seriously though, I love doing it and as the kiddos get older it is something we can do with them. DFW is surrounds by great areas and sites and is a perfect jumping point. So it's time to get outside!
#18: Re-do My Baby Albums
I know it seems kind of silly but my baby albums are falling apart and most of the pictures are Polaroids. I'm a fanatic when it comes to photos and I don't want them ruined or lost. Polaroids deteriorate over time and mine have already started fading. So it's time to put some effort into restoring them before they are gone.
Plus I'm vain.
Plus I'm vain.
#17: Meditate
I think I'll really benefit from meditation. I'm a high strung person. I take on too much. I am over whelmed. Hey, admitting you have a problem is the first step right? LOL
So I think some time spent alone, with my thoughts or better yet, learning to quiet my thoughts, would greatly benefit me. I've read so many studies and articles on the benefits of meditation. Greater patience, stress relief, clearer thinking, higher productivity. All of these sound amazing don't they? Now if I can just get myself up 30 minutes earlier so I can partake in this meditation-thingy.
Because that's really the issue isn't it... time? Never enough time. See I've been sidetracked by my thought process again. Meditation... it's supposed to help with that too.
So I think some time spent alone, with my thoughts or better yet, learning to quiet my thoughts, would greatly benefit me. I've read so many studies and articles on the benefits of meditation. Greater patience, stress relief, clearer thinking, higher productivity. All of these sound amazing don't they? Now if I can just get myself up 30 minutes earlier so I can partake in this meditation-thingy.
Because that's really the issue isn't it... time? Never enough time. See I've been sidetracked by my thought process again. Meditation... it's supposed to help with that too.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Grateful and Thankful
Twenty miles outside of Ballinger the haze began to set in. Not clouds, smoke. Gray and covering the landscape, fog-like but holding absolutely no moisture. I stop to take a picture of the sun because it seems to be glowing. An almost neon peach color behind thick gray "clouds". Nothing rivals a Texas sunset. Even today.
And then I notice the smell. Burning Cedar is unmistakable. It reminds me of camp fires and cold afternoons roasting marshmallows at the Hunting Camp... but never before has this smell followed me for 200 miles. Never before has this smell, reminded me of destruction. It does now.
This wildfire has changed my filing cabinet of memories. It has re-labeled my thought processes. And forever, my view of fire will be altered. I am tied to the land. South-West Texas, Val Verde County, Sleepy Hollow Ranch. My family home. It's a heritage longer and deeper then I comprehend on most days and though I am linked to my history, tied to it by a lineage that has stayed true to a town for over a 100 years, I still manage to forget most days how deep these family ties are buried withing me. I don't live there anymore. I have chosen to make a home and raise a family away from my roots but the pull of what has been and what will be, keeps me there.
This country is not the definition of an ideal landscape. It is not easy land. No prairie grasses wave, no East Texas pines shield you from the wind, and no picturesque rivers gently carve a path through green hillsides. It is rugged. It requires strength and endurance and a belief that all of God's land was provided to us. Can provide for us. And that is what my ancestors did. They chose this land, knowing that they could earn from it, that they could use it and take care of it and the land would do the same for them.
Fire is a destructive force. It obliterates all in its path with no rhyme or reason. It jumps from point to point feeding and taking what it will and yet sometimes leaving a lone tree to survive. It travels by barely surviving grass, to parched bush to ancient tree, annihilating all in its path and never glancing back at its devastation. It breaths and eats like any living thing. And while it breaths everything else suffocates.
The smell is rancid. The first day after the fire burns through without apology, you are still reminded of camp fires but as the smell sits and lingers on the land, it changes. It is now raw and sharp and wreaks eerily of death and stillness. Even as the wind blows the smell around me, I feel as if the Earth has stopped to allow all living things to pay their respects to the land. To what the land has endured. This fire slaps me on every level of my senses. Once living things, now crumble in my hand. My eyes see the destruction, my ears hear the fire move on to better fuel, but mostly that pain we've all tried to explain has settled within me. The one that sits in your gut and closes your throat and reminds you of your first heartbreak. That pain that we've all been through and are positive will never die. That pain is engaged, that heart ache that transcends race, creed and nationality is fully engaged within me.
Our home is still standing. Built in 1923, it humbly stands amongst terrain that does not match it in beauty. It is not ostentatious or boastful but has provided a family tree with very wide spread branches, memories and safety for years and now for many years to come. It's dining room was home to Skip-Bo games and Thanksgiving dinners. It's screened porch to laughter and afternoon naps. This house is more than wood and glass, it is a home. A haven. I singular reminder that our family was and is. That our family, no matter how far we travel, no matter where we lay our head at night, no matter how long we stay away, are one with this land.
I am a Texan. And to anyone who feels that way, we are Texans first and foremost. So the images of this land that I love burning away is imprinted in my mind. Flames licking the country side clean and smoke filling the air with toxins, robbing it of it's simple purity. But although this fire has damaged us, has changed what our lives will be like for years to come. It has certainly served as reminder...
Every volunteer firefighter, every National Forest Service worker, every pilot, every Electric Company employee, every citizen, every rancher, still stands. Still fights. This battle, this war was not fought alone. In times of crisis we are reminded that we do not stand alone. We stand together. For every man or woman who did not sleep over the last month, who rode endless hour looking for hot spots, who waged battle against this fire with shovels and cattle sprayers and sheer desire to win, I say thank you. I am reminded that I am not alone, and I say thank you.
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Thursday, April 28, 2011
#16: STOP Procrastinating
I am, believe it or not, the world's worst procrastinator. I will wait until the last possible second to do whatever it is I have to do. I promise. Now... with that said, I'm a speedy project tackler. I can whip out a little girl's dress in under 2 hours, I can clean my house in the same flashy amount of time, 8 loads of laundry can be knocked out in one afternoon, dinner can be on the table in 20 minutes. I work well under pressure! This is a positive...
However, I like to sleep and many times I stay up late finishing what should have been finished, I end up having to forgo my daily shower because I'm in a time crunch, or we're late. Always. We are always LATE! And this ladies and gents, is because I'm a procrastinator! Not because I'm lazy or can't tell time or don't wear a watch, although there may be some truth to all of those (at least I think I can tell time, maybe I can't). But simply because I put everything in my life off until the last possible second!
Do you know how much easier my life would be if I re-packed my diaper bag every night? Or prepacked Carson's lunch for school? Or did laundry daily instead of once every couple of weeks? Or, and this one is my favorite, put things where they go instead of piling things on my kitchen counter?
I am the Queen of "I'll Do It Later". I prefer to watch TV, play in my garden, sit with my husband, play with my kiddos, SHOP! But at the same time, and here is where you get to meet my split personalities.... I am so anal retentive and I HATE clutter and I HATE filth! It eats at me. I mean seriously eats away at me until I just want to throw everything away and start over! So... I need to stop procrastinating. I think it will make me a calmer person. Maybe. Hopefully.
However, I like to sleep and many times I stay up late finishing what should have been finished, I end up having to forgo my daily shower because I'm in a time crunch, or we're late. Always. We are always LATE! And this ladies and gents, is because I'm a procrastinator! Not because I'm lazy or can't tell time or don't wear a watch, although there may be some truth to all of those (at least I think I can tell time, maybe I can't). But simply because I put everything in my life off until the last possible second!
Do you know how much easier my life would be if I re-packed my diaper bag every night? Or prepacked Carson's lunch for school? Or did laundry daily instead of once every couple of weeks? Or, and this one is my favorite, put things where they go instead of piling things on my kitchen counter?
I am the Queen of "I'll Do It Later". I prefer to watch TV, play in my garden, sit with my husband, play with my kiddos, SHOP! But at the same time, and here is where you get to meet my split personalities.... I am so anal retentive and I HATE clutter and I HATE filth! It eats at me. I mean seriously eats away at me until I just want to throw everything away and start over! So... I need to stop procrastinating. I think it will make me a calmer person. Maybe. Hopefully.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Curbing an Emtional Outburst
The latest statistics tell us that 1,837,529 acres of Texas lands have been consumed by wildfires and that 902 homes have been lost. Meteorologists are not predicting any major relief until June or July. The Texas Forest Service is continually updating the Current Texas Wildfire Situation, as they are calling it, on their website. 208 out of the 254 counties in Texas are currently burning and reporting burn bans.
Facts are without emotion. Facts tell you what is going on. We rely on facts to keep us informed and moving forward. But what these facts don't tell you about, are the 100+ year old ranches being burned to a crisp. The miles and miles of fence line, expensive fence line, that will need to be replaced by ranchers who've done their best to just hold on to their land through the economical crisis of the past few years. You read 902 homes and it shakes you but it just says homes. Some of these homes are 100 years old. These are the homesteads where great-grandparents and grandparents were born, were raised, were wed. Texas Historical Markers dot the landscape of our great state telling the stories of men and women who chose the rugged land of South West Texas to bring their families and to build their life stories. Small towns gather memorabilia for their museums, which would not be so interesting in any "city museum", but tell the stories of communities that were built based on cattle and sheep and goats and family lineage that stayed in place for over a century.
I am the great-great-grand daughter of the first graduate of Ozona High School. The West and Carson families have made their homes their for over a century. Continuing a tradition of ranching throughout the years and growing with the times. There isn't an abundance of livestock anymore, as that does not bring in the money. So we lease land for hunting and drilling and hope that every year we make enough to keep it all but not enough that the government will tax us into destitution. We hold onto the land at all cost. It, is our history. Our roots are deep. No matter where we go, where we live, the land is our home.
Sleepy Hollow. That is the Carson ranch. My Daddy has worked their his whole life, with the exception of his time served in the Army and in Vietnam. I am a person who is deeply connected to my history. My family history sits at the core of who I am. I believe in knowing where I came from. That knowing is what builds you. My summers and holidays were spent in the cab of my Daddy's truck going to the ranch. Playing games with the women at the hunting camp and checking wind mills and tanks and troughs and feeding livestock. This fire is not just burning the land.
I feel it, 7 hours away in Frisco, Texas. To know that the house that has stood since 1914 is threatened by wildfires, burns behind my eyelids. To know that memories of Thanksgivings and SkipBo games and lazy afternoons on the screened porch and baking Snickerdoodles with NoNo and picking Figs for preserves are threatened by wildfires, burns my throat. To know that there is absolutely nothing I can do makes the heat wash over me in waves. We will lose the Hunting Camp and there is not much we can do about that. We will rebuild. It is not a question, we just will.
But when I turn on my Television in the morning and our President is taking time to address the ridiculous questions of his birth. When the most brilliant minds of our great nation are reduced to bickering school children. When the people of our country are more interested in petty debates and flashy speeches. I burn yet again. I want to scream. I want to physically shake these people who are "in charge". What will it take for the media to understand that there are so many more important things to be reporting on. The story is not old! These fires are not yesterday's headlines! The federal government should be sending help! The federal government should be focused on our land, on our borders, we are not the international police force. Our President and our Congressmen and our Senators... our leaders should be listening to the people of this nation. But they are not. And they will not. They listen to money. And we the people, have very little of that.
Our country is falling apart at the seams. The fabric of our nation is unraveling because we have chosen to take sides. To align ourselves with a group of 'like" minded individuals. We have all chosen to stop looking at our neighbors and our fellow community members as a part of the whole. We now see people as either with us or against us. What will it take to simply have us line up side by side and rebuild our nation? 9-11 worked for a while, Hurricane Katrina worked for a while. But nothing seems to work for very long. It is time to simply get over ourselves.
So until that time I'll continue to burn as the land of my ancestors is currently burning. Floods and tornadoes and death and life altering changes are rocking our country and yet we fight for our right to be louder that the person next to us. We are failing our children and our grandchildren. We are failing ourselves.
If I seem emotional, if I seem not altogether gathered in my thought process it is because I know not where to begin. My brain is filled to overflowing with thoughts and anger and passion. The fire rages loudly and over rides all emotion. Your skin crawls with the heat and you hear it eating away at everything, you smell the smoke and you can see the yellow and orange flames burning brightly right before your eyes. And you taste. You taste the mesquite and the cedar and the death of the land on the tip of your tongue. I don't have to be there. It all burns in my mind's eye, inside me, right here. Seven hours away.
Facts are without emotion. Facts tell you what is going on. We rely on facts to keep us informed and moving forward. But what these facts don't tell you about, are the 100+ year old ranches being burned to a crisp. The miles and miles of fence line, expensive fence line, that will need to be replaced by ranchers who've done their best to just hold on to their land through the economical crisis of the past few years. You read 902 homes and it shakes you but it just says homes. Some of these homes are 100 years old. These are the homesteads where great-grandparents and grandparents were born, were raised, were wed. Texas Historical Markers dot the landscape of our great state telling the stories of men and women who chose the rugged land of South West Texas to bring their families and to build their life stories. Small towns gather memorabilia for their museums, which would not be so interesting in any "city museum", but tell the stories of communities that were built based on cattle and sheep and goats and family lineage that stayed in place for over a century.
I am the great-great-grand daughter of the first graduate of Ozona High School. The West and Carson families have made their homes their for over a century. Continuing a tradition of ranching throughout the years and growing with the times. There isn't an abundance of livestock anymore, as that does not bring in the money. So we lease land for hunting and drilling and hope that every year we make enough to keep it all but not enough that the government will tax us into destitution. We hold onto the land at all cost. It, is our history. Our roots are deep. No matter where we go, where we live, the land is our home.
Sleepy Hollow. That is the Carson ranch. My Daddy has worked their his whole life, with the exception of his time served in the Army and in Vietnam. I am a person who is deeply connected to my history. My family history sits at the core of who I am. I believe in knowing where I came from. That knowing is what builds you. My summers and holidays were spent in the cab of my Daddy's truck going to the ranch. Playing games with the women at the hunting camp and checking wind mills and tanks and troughs and feeding livestock. This fire is not just burning the land.
I feel it, 7 hours away in Frisco, Texas. To know that the house that has stood since 1914 is threatened by wildfires, burns behind my eyelids. To know that memories of Thanksgivings and SkipBo games and lazy afternoons on the screened porch and baking Snickerdoodles with NoNo and picking Figs for preserves are threatened by wildfires, burns my throat. To know that there is absolutely nothing I can do makes the heat wash over me in waves. We will lose the Hunting Camp and there is not much we can do about that. We will rebuild. It is not a question, we just will.
But when I turn on my Television in the morning and our President is taking time to address the ridiculous questions of his birth. When the most brilliant minds of our great nation are reduced to bickering school children. When the people of our country are more interested in petty debates and flashy speeches. I burn yet again. I want to scream. I want to physically shake these people who are "in charge". What will it take for the media to understand that there are so many more important things to be reporting on. The story is not old! These fires are not yesterday's headlines! The federal government should be sending help! The federal government should be focused on our land, on our borders, we are not the international police force. Our President and our Congressmen and our Senators... our leaders should be listening to the people of this nation. But they are not. And they will not. They listen to money. And we the people, have very little of that.
Our country is falling apart at the seams. The fabric of our nation is unraveling because we have chosen to take sides. To align ourselves with a group of 'like" minded individuals. We have all chosen to stop looking at our neighbors and our fellow community members as a part of the whole. We now see people as either with us or against us. What will it take to simply have us line up side by side and rebuild our nation? 9-11 worked for a while, Hurricane Katrina worked for a while. But nothing seems to work for very long. It is time to simply get over ourselves.
So until that time I'll continue to burn as the land of my ancestors is currently burning. Floods and tornadoes and death and life altering changes are rocking our country and yet we fight for our right to be louder that the person next to us. We are failing our children and our grandchildren. We are failing ourselves.
If I seem emotional, if I seem not altogether gathered in my thought process it is because I know not where to begin. My brain is filled to overflowing with thoughts and anger and passion. The fire rages loudly and over rides all emotion. Your skin crawls with the heat and you hear it eating away at everything, you smell the smoke and you can see the yellow and orange flames burning brightly right before your eyes. And you taste. You taste the mesquite and the cedar and the death of the land on the tip of your tongue. I don't have to be there. It all burns in my mind's eye, inside me, right here. Seven hours away.
Monday, April 18, 2011
On My Mind
So lately a lot of things have been driving me crazy. To the point that I can't focus on any one thing for longer that 2 minutes which make it next to impossible to write a coherent, thought provoking yet funny blog about any one topic. But today I am going to do it!
Starting with fat kids.
I know chubby babies are cute. The endless rolls of baby soft skin and triple chins and fat bulges are adorable on infants and toddlers, especially little girls in swimsuits. We pinch there adorably over flowing cheeks and gaggle along with our mommy friends about how we have to clean between their rolls of fat.
But not so much on the ten year boy old whose sitting on the bench at the park playing his Nintendo DS. Sweating from the 75 degree heat and red in the face because obviously the exertion of walking from the car to that bench, over-taxed his limited to non-existent endurance levels. And then his mother hands him a snack and I start seeing red, and not just his face. I mean I feel my head cloud over with anger and my eyes are unable to stay focused on anything else. The child walked 20 yards! And he sat his large rear end down and you gave him a snack! I'll grant you it is 3pm and he may just have gotten out of school and he might genuinely be hungry and we should definitely fuel our kids bodies. But somehow I think the Slim Jim and the Diet Coke are just not what Dr. Oz had in mind.
That my followers, is child abuse. Just as dangerous and just as traumatic as taking a right fist to his eye or swift kick to his groin. And ultimately just as painful. This child has been set up for failure. His Mother is over weight as are his two little sisters, but at least they are running around the park and climbing on the equipment.
In fact let's start with good 'ol Mom. When does the laziness kick in? Am I just not there yet? Have I just not reached the "I don't give a shit" place in my parenting journey? Because she definitely has. I normally would grant any mom the courtesy of it has been a rough day. But this is an ongoing occurrence at our park with this particular little family. I'm not trying to be mean and I can see the other side of the coin. Yes, she probably does not have any positive female influences, yes, she could probably use a friend, yes I don't know what it's like in her home. But that is not what my blog is about today and I will not be swayed by my self inflicted guilt over my own weight struggles.
I want to scream, "YOU ARE KILLING YOUR CHILDREN!" and "YOUR SETTING THEM UP FOR A LIFE OF FAILURE!" and "YOUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE ANY SELF CONFIDENCE!". But I don't. I won't. I'll probably never say anything at all. But it's not because I don't care. It's because I don't like confrontation. And things like that never go well. And maybe I don't care enough... that however is for another day.
So let me say this here instead. Who knows, maybe she's a friend of a friend of a friend. Enabling your children to become obese is just as abusive as beating them or vocally torturing them. Healthy eating habits start in the home as do healthy exercise habits. And study after study after study show that parents who exercise and eat healthy raise kids who do the same. No matter how much I want to eat fried chicken every single night, I don't. No matter how much I want to eat that half gallon of dark chocolate ice cream, I don't. And even though most days, I do not feel like walking to the park with my kiddos or even taking them outside really, I still do. I am their protector, their life style educator and it's up to me to make sure they realize that their bodies are their temples and that they must respect them. Because if I don't no one else will.
So fat kids piss me off. Because it isn't within their control. If a kid under the age of 12 is obese it's the parents fault. Simple as that. Someone enabled them to be that way and it's wrong and it's abusive and it needs to be stopped. But I'm pretty sure if I called CPS with the "She's making them fat" argument I'd get laughed at. So I'll rant and rave here.
Starting with fat kids.
I know chubby babies are cute. The endless rolls of baby soft skin and triple chins and fat bulges are adorable on infants and toddlers, especially little girls in swimsuits. We pinch there adorably over flowing cheeks and gaggle along with our mommy friends about how we have to clean between their rolls of fat.
But not so much on the ten year boy old whose sitting on the bench at the park playing his Nintendo DS. Sweating from the 75 degree heat and red in the face because obviously the exertion of walking from the car to that bench, over-taxed his limited to non-existent endurance levels. And then his mother hands him a snack and I start seeing red, and not just his face. I mean I feel my head cloud over with anger and my eyes are unable to stay focused on anything else. The child walked 20 yards! And he sat his large rear end down and you gave him a snack! I'll grant you it is 3pm and he may just have gotten out of school and he might genuinely be hungry and we should definitely fuel our kids bodies. But somehow I think the Slim Jim and the Diet Coke are just not what Dr. Oz had in mind.
That my followers, is child abuse. Just as dangerous and just as traumatic as taking a right fist to his eye or swift kick to his groin. And ultimately just as painful. This child has been set up for failure. His Mother is over weight as are his two little sisters, but at least they are running around the park and climbing on the equipment.
In fact let's start with good 'ol Mom. When does the laziness kick in? Am I just not there yet? Have I just not reached the "I don't give a shit" place in my parenting journey? Because she definitely has. I normally would grant any mom the courtesy of it has been a rough day. But this is an ongoing occurrence at our park with this particular little family. I'm not trying to be mean and I can see the other side of the coin. Yes, she probably does not have any positive female influences, yes, she could probably use a friend, yes I don't know what it's like in her home. But that is not what my blog is about today and I will not be swayed by my self inflicted guilt over my own weight struggles.
I want to scream, "YOU ARE KILLING YOUR CHILDREN!" and "YOUR SETTING THEM UP FOR A LIFE OF FAILURE!" and "YOUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE ANY SELF CONFIDENCE!". But I don't. I won't. I'll probably never say anything at all. But it's not because I don't care. It's because I don't like confrontation. And things like that never go well. And maybe I don't care enough... that however is for another day.
So let me say this here instead. Who knows, maybe she's a friend of a friend of a friend. Enabling your children to become obese is just as abusive as beating them or vocally torturing them. Healthy eating habits start in the home as do healthy exercise habits. And study after study after study show that parents who exercise and eat healthy raise kids who do the same. No matter how much I want to eat fried chicken every single night, I don't. No matter how much I want to eat that half gallon of dark chocolate ice cream, I don't. And even though most days, I do not feel like walking to the park with my kiddos or even taking them outside really, I still do. I am their protector, their life style educator and it's up to me to make sure they realize that their bodies are their temples and that they must respect them. Because if I don't no one else will.
So fat kids piss me off. Because it isn't within their control. If a kid under the age of 12 is obese it's the parents fault. Simple as that. Someone enabled them to be that way and it's wrong and it's abusive and it needs to be stopped. But I'm pretty sure if I called CPS with the "She's making them fat" argument I'd get laughed at. So I'll rant and rave here.
#15: The Improv!!!
Laughter is the best medicine... this is true, very true. Yet, most of the time I completely forget how important it is. I mean I laugh, don't get me wrong. My kids are funny, my hubby is funny, I have funny friends, I do stupid things, but there is just something about a comedian! we saw Christopher Titus at The Improv on Saturday night. He was hilarious! I mean the kind of funny that makes your stomach hurt the next day from laughing so hard. The ind fo funny that keeps you laughing for days. This kind of laughter is needed in a healthy life, I believe.
Ticket prices aren't all that bad, it's a nice venue and I really enjoyed myself and I don't think I can put a price on that at all! So it's time to start looking at the calendar! I'm scheduling some laughter!
Ticket prices aren't all that bad, it's a nice venue and I really enjoyed myself and I don't think I can put a price on that at all! So it's time to start looking at the calendar! I'm scheduling some laughter!
#14: Volunteer
I used to do this a lot. Community Service was something I just did. It was expected of me and at some point growing up, its stopped be a requirement and started being something I just enjoyed. It always provided me with a sense of accomplishment. Knowing I had helped, however small the action was. In small towns, community service is at the epicenter of everything. Anything that happens in a small town has a large number of volunteers backing it. Bake sales, festivals, town dances, everything! And I miss it.
I feel it's important that my boys know how important volunteering is. To not expect anything in return for your service. A lot of young people seem endlessly entitled to me and I want my boys to understand how vital community service is. It starts at home right?
I feel it's important that my boys know how important volunteering is. To not expect anything in return for your service. A lot of young people seem endlessly entitled to me and I want my boys to understand how vital community service is. It starts at home right?
#13: Attend more Live Music Events
I thought about specifying concerts but... bands in bars or at The Arboretum work just as well also. I'm not a big music listener. I know, I know this seems weird for anyone from my general generation to read or understand. But I don't turn on music and blast out my ears and dance like a crazy person all over my house. I use music to motivate me while I work out. I listen to country stations in the car and if I must choose something to listen to while traveling it is usually Broadway musicals... they are like listening to more lively books on tape and they keep me awake.
But lately I have found myself drawn to music... consider me a late bloomer. At least I bloomed late in one department! Mostly Pop, which I realize make some of you want to vomit however, I have nothing to judge it against, my ears like what they like. I'm drawn to cheesy movies, plays and TV also so I guess it makes sense. I've always loved 80's rock (thank you Haley and Julie) and still love early 90's anything with the exception of grunge.
Certain songs take me back: Torn by Natalie Imbruglia will come on and I'm instantly 14 again. Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp and I'm 16 riding shotgun in Jessica's Camry doing absolutely nothing productive. Wilson Phillips reminds me of being a little girl and wanting nothing more than to be exactly like my sisters. Pat Green and Charlie Robison remind me of being 18 and wishing for nothing else than to be 21 so I could buy my own beer instead of flirting with some guy to buy it for me. U2 reminds me of Jason, specifically With or Without You.
The point is, my new found "passion" for music should be explored and I choose to do this by attending concerts. Or any music event. I'm too anxious most of the time. I've never been a sit and enjoy the music type of person but I think I'm becoming one. It probably has something to do with my need for calm and peace after my busy never ending mommy days. I find that I can lose myself in the music. So lose myself I will!
But lately I have found myself drawn to music... consider me a late bloomer. At least I bloomed late in one department! Mostly Pop, which I realize make some of you want to vomit however, I have nothing to judge it against, my ears like what they like. I'm drawn to cheesy movies, plays and TV also so I guess it makes sense. I've always loved 80's rock (thank you Haley and Julie) and still love early 90's anything with the exception of grunge.
Certain songs take me back: Torn by Natalie Imbruglia will come on and I'm instantly 14 again. Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp and I'm 16 riding shotgun in Jessica's Camry doing absolutely nothing productive. Wilson Phillips reminds me of being a little girl and wanting nothing more than to be exactly like my sisters. Pat Green and Charlie Robison remind me of being 18 and wishing for nothing else than to be 21 so I could buy my own beer instead of flirting with some guy to buy it for me. U2 reminds me of Jason, specifically With or Without You.
The point is, my new found "passion" for music should be explored and I choose to do this by attending concerts. Or any music event. I'm too anxious most of the time. I've never been a sit and enjoy the music type of person but I think I'm becoming one. It probably has something to do with my need for calm and peace after my busy never ending mommy days. I find that I can lose myself in the music. So lose myself I will!
#12: Play Golf
This seems so simple! I love to play. I always did. And at one point in time I was pretty damn good. But I went to college, I got married, I had babies and now I don't play anymore. I'd just like to play once or twice a month. And it's doesn't even have to be 18 holes! I'll play 9 or just hit some balls at the driving range. Anyway I can get the sticks in my hands again, I'll take it!
Monday, April 11, 2011
#11: Paint My Bedroom
If you've been in my house you know that decorating is one of my hobbies. I just love to do it. I love color and texture and fabric. I love interesting art pieces and love finding how to mix modern accents with my very traditional yet eclectic home. I don't fit in one style, I love too many things!
Most rooms have been designs and re-designed. Paint samples have been poured over and contemplated, fabrics, chosen and re-chosen. Our bedroom furniture was purchased before the house. I adore it! Very traditional, very large four poster bed. The fabrics are less traditional, more eclectic. Purples, golds, oranges, reds and this really pretty oyster shell ivory color. Rich. That is what I was going for. Not like "money=rich" but more "sumptuous=rich". A bedroom, especially a married couples bedroom, should be sexy. Very, very sexy. But not porn store sexy.
So I've bounced around paint colors over and over and over and it's time to pick one and do it!
Most rooms have been designs and re-designed. Paint samples have been poured over and contemplated, fabrics, chosen and re-chosen. Our bedroom furniture was purchased before the house. I adore it! Very traditional, very large four poster bed. The fabrics are less traditional, more eclectic. Purples, golds, oranges, reds and this really pretty oyster shell ivory color. Rich. That is what I was going for. Not like "money=rich" but more "sumptuous=rich". A bedroom, especially a married couples bedroom, should be sexy. Very, very sexy. But not porn store sexy.
So I've bounced around paint colors over and over and over and it's time to pick one and do it!
#9: Run a Half Marathon
This, honestly, seems scarier to me than natural child birth. I'm for cereals here! No Trix! Those people who "run"... I mean really run... the ones whose focus seems like it can eat you alive. Those people are the people that my nightmares are made of. This falls in line with REAL Athletics... which I always shied away from. I was a dancer. A golfer. A fisherman. Sports to me are a little wider in definition than to others. Athletics are a different topic altogether. And running is definitely one of those athletic things. But one thing, this 30 before 30 is all about, is tackling demons. Slaying my inner dragons. Facing my fears and proving that strength and perseverance and pure stubborn will power exist within me. I know I'm a strong person. But I'm also the type of person who can easily move on, put the goals aside, readdress them at a later date. Pretend that I don't have dreams and that I'm okay with mediocre. So... I'm going to run a half marathon. End of discussion.
#8: Learn to Love Running
I believe I can do this. I really, really do. It's an easy workout, it can be done anywhere, it doesn't require specialized equipment. And as I'm learning from my trainer I probably hate it currently because my muscles don't know how to do it right. You think that running should be simple. As a child it seems simple. You just do it, to get somewhere faster than you can while walking. You just ran! Well I lost this uninhibited mode of transportation somewhere (my guess, is that when coaches decided to make it a sport I lost all interest). And since my #9 require that I learn to run and at least halfway enjoy it, learning to love running seemed a perfect fit for my #8.
Monday, March 28, 2011
#7: Lose my Black Thumb or Grow a Green Thumb...
... Whichever comes first! I like the outdoors. I love vegetables. And fruits. And flowers. I'd like to grow all three. And I'd like to know what I'm doing/ understand to a larger degree than put seed in hole and water and hope and pray. So before I turn 30 I'd like to learn how to be an amateur gardener. Whatever that means.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
#6: Walk in the 3-Day
3 days, 60 miles. Alone or with a group. I want to walk.
My neighbor, my mother's close friend, one of the most amazing women I've ever known, died when I was 14 of breast cancer. She was one of those people who brought that breath of fresh air into the room. Her smile alerted the world that trouble would not rest at her feet. She put others first, always, and right to the end. She was simply inspiring.
In small towns, when someone who changed the place for the better passed on, memorials, scholarship funds and the like, are created in their honor. I was lucky enough to receive the Becky Childress Memorial Scholarship my senior year of high school. I've always said if I'm lucky I'll be half the woman she was. Her memory is still so vivid in my mind's eye. Laughing. She was always laughing. I feel as if walking is just this tiny step I can take to say thank you... to pay it forward. Because I believe in things like that. Paying it forward. I truly believe what you put out there in this world comes back to you.
Becky put so much out there and I want to walk in her memory, to honor her gifts and talents that she left with us. To remind myself that goodness and kindness and beauty lives through everything... that it just keeps walking.
My neighbor, my mother's close friend, one of the most amazing women I've ever known, died when I was 14 of breast cancer. She was one of those people who brought that breath of fresh air into the room. Her smile alerted the world that trouble would not rest at her feet. She put others first, always, and right to the end. She was simply inspiring.
In small towns, when someone who changed the place for the better passed on, memorials, scholarship funds and the like, are created in their honor. I was lucky enough to receive the Becky Childress Memorial Scholarship my senior year of high school. I've always said if I'm lucky I'll be half the woman she was. Her memory is still so vivid in my mind's eye. Laughing. She was always laughing. I feel as if walking is just this tiny step I can take to say thank you... to pay it forward. Because I believe in things like that. Paying it forward. I truly believe what you put out there in this world comes back to you.
Becky put so much out there and I want to walk in her memory, to honor her gifts and talents that she left with us. To remind myself that goodness and kindness and beauty lives through everything... that it just keeps walking.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Baby Step #2
I hired a trainer. We've started and he's a hard ass and I'm pretty sure that that is exactly what I need. His name is TK and his biceps are the size of my thighs. I'm not exaggerating here. He's like the black version of The Rock and his motto is, "Go hard or go home, the only person standing in your way is you." His specialty is womens' fitness, which did surprise me, and he's actually interested in the reasons why women gain weight. Which also surprised me, as he is a man and really most of the time the emotional stuff flies over their heads. But he gets it, which is nice.
He measured my body fat and took measurements and we did before pictures. Be prepared, I'm going to post them soon and you will be scared. But he thinks, and I'm beginning to see why, they're necessary. I need a constant reminder of the goal here. He asked what the ultimate goal was and I said, "to just like the way I look again", which is complete truth. I don't care about numbers or measurements or percentages. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to put on a swim suit and go to the pool with my kiddos and not be focusing on myself.
So he put me on the eliptical and said he was going to test me. He just "knew" I could do more than I thought I could, that I just wasn't willing to push myself. He jumped on the machine next to mine and away we went. Now normally when I get on the eliptical I put it on 0 resistance, around a 4 or 5 incline (as that incline works all of the leg muscles and not just the hamstrings and quads) and I go for an hour. I do somewhere between 4 and 5 miles without a problem and burn around 450 calories. I thought that was fantastic... well TK had other plans.
Every time I'd start to slow he'd speed up, encourage me, push me, coach me. He started my resistance at 8 and by the end had upped it to 10. He wouldn't let me stop. He'd let me slow and catch myself for 30 seconds and then push me to keep going and harder. By the end I'd done 5.5 miles and had burned over 650 calories. On an 8-10 resistance! He was right. I wasn't giving myself or my body enough credit.
This isn't going to be a speedy process. I'm not going to wake up in a few weeks, look great and move on. Heavens, I wish! But I like TK, I like his plans. So that is where I am right now.
He measured my body fat and took measurements and we did before pictures. Be prepared, I'm going to post them soon and you will be scared. But he thinks, and I'm beginning to see why, they're necessary. I need a constant reminder of the goal here. He asked what the ultimate goal was and I said, "to just like the way I look again", which is complete truth. I don't care about numbers or measurements or percentages. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to put on a swim suit and go to the pool with my kiddos and not be focusing on myself.
So he put me on the eliptical and said he was going to test me. He just "knew" I could do more than I thought I could, that I just wasn't willing to push myself. He jumped on the machine next to mine and away we went. Now normally when I get on the eliptical I put it on 0 resistance, around a 4 or 5 incline (as that incline works all of the leg muscles and not just the hamstrings and quads) and I go for an hour. I do somewhere between 4 and 5 miles without a problem and burn around 450 calories. I thought that was fantastic... well TK had other plans.
Every time I'd start to slow he'd speed up, encourage me, push me, coach me. He started my resistance at 8 and by the end had upped it to 10. He wouldn't let me stop. He'd let me slow and catch myself for 30 seconds and then push me to keep going and harder. By the end I'd done 5.5 miles and had burned over 650 calories. On an 8-10 resistance! He was right. I wasn't giving myself or my body enough credit.
This isn't going to be a speedy process. I'm not going to wake up in a few weeks, look great and move on. Heavens, I wish! But I like TK, I like his plans. So that is where I am right now.
Friday, March 11, 2011
#5: Conquering Yeast Breads
I want to make my own bread. Specifically sour dough. And it has always seemed so hard. I read the recipes and all of the steps and I think, really? Really? I'll just go to the bakery.
We all know I love to cook. It's one of my bigger passions in life. Mostly, I love food and recognize that high end cuisine is not within my budget so I've just learned to replicate what I see in blogs, magazines and on television within the walls of my humble kitchen. So I've read the recipes and skirted around them and ignored them and then I go buy a loaf of Rosemary Olive Oil Bread for $5 or a long, crusty French baguette and think, "Why am I not making this at home?" So I'm going to start trying it. I know it will only save like $20 a month but hey, it's $20 we were spending on store made bread, that can go toward my beautiful shoe collection! Or something more practical. Whatever!
We all know I love to cook. It's one of my bigger passions in life. Mostly, I love food and recognize that high end cuisine is not within my budget so I've just learned to replicate what I see in blogs, magazines and on television within the walls of my humble kitchen. So I've read the recipes and skirted around them and ignored them and then I go buy a loaf of Rosemary Olive Oil Bread for $5 or a long, crusty French baguette and think, "Why am I not making this at home?" So I'm going to start trying it. I know it will only save like $20 a month but hey, it's $20 we were spending on store made bread, that can go toward my beautiful shoe collection! Or something more practical. Whatever!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
#4: Scrapbooking
Okay, we all know I'm obsessed. I love scrapbooking. Yes, it's crafty, yes, it involves pictures... yes. A photo album would do the same thing. Here's the deal: it isn't just about the pictures for me. It's the memories. It's the story. I'm a sentimental person. Family history has to be one of my favorite things. I like knowing where I come from, who came before me, their stories, their wins and their failures. I'm naturally a nosy person but this goes a little deeper than that I think. I feel a connection to the past.
I always have really. There is something about growing up in a small town surrounded by the history. Ozona is a young place but my family has been there since the late 1800's and so we are entrenched in it's history. The Carson/ West family was there from the beginning with my ancestors playing pivotal roles in the growth of the community. The ranches are there. The ranch house is there.
It's like a tree with roots so deep nothing can rip it from the ground. So the term family tree is obviously apropos.
Back to scrapbooking. Though I love to do it, I rarely make time for it. Meaning that when I sit down I feel as if I must accomplish Herculean tasks at one sitting! So my #4 is to take time each week to work on some pages. No page number goals or finishing scrapbooks in one sitting. Just some time each week, to work on a few pages. For me, for my family. I feel like I'm leaving a piece of myself behind with my scrapbooks. It's my history. My handwriting, the way my journaling changes, my poor spelling (which you, of course are not aware of, as online I have spell check). My scrapbooks tell my family of my love for them. Allow me to let my creativity flow and show how my artistic side has evolved. My scrapbooks are the pictures, the memories of the good and bad times (yes, I scrap it all), and they are a small of piece of me.
So it's important to me. And I should make more time for it.
I always have really. There is something about growing up in a small town surrounded by the history. Ozona is a young place but my family has been there since the late 1800's and so we are entrenched in it's history. The Carson/ West family was there from the beginning with my ancestors playing pivotal roles in the growth of the community. The ranches are there. The ranch house is there.
It's like a tree with roots so deep nothing can rip it from the ground. So the term family tree is obviously apropos.
Back to scrapbooking. Though I love to do it, I rarely make time for it. Meaning that when I sit down I feel as if I must accomplish Herculean tasks at one sitting! So my #4 is to take time each week to work on some pages. No page number goals or finishing scrapbooks in one sitting. Just some time each week, to work on a few pages. For me, for my family. I feel like I'm leaving a piece of myself behind with my scrapbooks. It's my history. My handwriting, the way my journaling changes, my poor spelling (which you, of course are not aware of, as online I have spell check). My scrapbooks tell my family of my love for them. Allow me to let my creativity flow and show how my artistic side has evolved. My scrapbooks are the pictures, the memories of the good and bad times (yes, I scrap it all), and they are a small of piece of me.
So it's important to me. And I should make more time for it.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
#3: GET AN AGENT
Okay, so this sounds kind of dreamy, wide eyed and naive, I realize. But I don't have illusions of grandeur here! I have no desire to make millions of dollars doing Romantic Comedies. Okay I do but I'm realistic. What I really have NO desire to do is move to California and wait tables while I attempt it. I'd like to make a living acting, doing voice-overs/ industrial films and performing. I'd just like to make some money doing what I love.
I'm an entertainer, a performer, an actress. Some people are born to do it and I believe that I was. Simple as that. And so, I'd like to make money doing it. And to do that in this industry, you need an agent.
There are a few requirements to this agent thing. I need new headshots and a voice-over reel. I'd like to take some classes at KD Studios. And then I need to compile all of the above and make packets for agencies. Lots of them!
So #3, get an agent. I've got just under 3 years... I can do it!
I'm an entertainer, a performer, an actress. Some people are born to do it and I believe that I was. Simple as that. And so, I'd like to make money doing it. And to do that in this industry, you need an agent.
There are a few requirements to this agent thing. I need new headshots and a voice-over reel. I'd like to take some classes at KD Studios. And then I need to compile all of the above and make packets for agencies. Lots of them!
So #3, get an agent. I've got just under 3 years... I can do it!
#2: FINISH COLLEGE
That's right. I haven't finished. I'm 7 hours away from my degree. I was put on bed rest my last trimester, pregnant with Carson. I put in 5 years of hard work and all I have to show for it is a transcript... a very, very long transcript.
So #2 is to finish college. There isn't much more to it then that. Just finish.
So #2 is to finish college. There isn't much more to it then that. Just finish.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
#1: A Healthier Me
So my first, in my 30 before 30 challenge, is an all encompassing goal. A HEALTHIER ME. Basically I want to live forever and look amazing! ;) Don't we all? Seriously, I just want to look good, feel great and know that I've done everything I can to live my best life (no, Oprah, Bob Green or self help narrator needed).
It begins with my need to lose weight. My need to eat better. My need to keep myself in check. My need to love myself. Like I said all encompassing. This one is really a goal for this year specifically. And is part of my baby step program. One day at a time. One tiny step at a time. I've recently (3 weeks now) started going back to the gym 4-5 days a week. I alternate 2 hours of cardio with 30 minutes of cardio/1 hour of weight training/30 minutes of ab work. It's an every other day thing, it's intense and I'm sore most of the time. But I feel things changing and I know I'm mere days away from seeing things change.
I recently ordered a Bodybugg and am very excited about it. Please visit the website. I've heard great things, really liked what I've researched and though the initial investment seemed expensive, I think it will be the turning point in my journey. And that is exactly what this is going to be. A journey, one that never ends. I'm not going to wake up 3 years form now, look in the mirror and go okay I'm done. I've arrived where I want to be. Things change, life changes, goals change, how you look changes... everything changes and I have to learn to grow with the change.
The Bodybugg has an online program to help with calorie intake which is a big one for me. I'm an emotional eater. I'm happy, I eat. I'm sad, I eat. I'm bored, I eat. I tun to food to comfort me. To sooth me. To aid me in my day. I don't want food to be my nucleus anymore.
I also hope that in creating a healthier me I become the example my children want to follow. I know, thanks to genetics, that obese children are not going to be a problem for me. Even though I don't eat all that well, my children are fed as if their bodies are temples. Which of course they are. Organic, whole grains, fruits and veggies, few refined sugars, small meals, well rounded snacks. I'm ridiculous about my children and I've let myself become a trash can. Carson is allergic to corn. You read that one correctly! So his allergy really has aided us in creating a healthier home.
So #1: A healthier me. Stay tuned... steps are being taken, let's see how this goes!
It begins with my need to lose weight. My need to eat better. My need to keep myself in check. My need to love myself. Like I said all encompassing. This one is really a goal for this year specifically. And is part of my baby step program. One day at a time. One tiny step at a time. I've recently (3 weeks now) started going back to the gym 4-5 days a week. I alternate 2 hours of cardio with 30 minutes of cardio/1 hour of weight training/30 minutes of ab work. It's an every other day thing, it's intense and I'm sore most of the time. But I feel things changing and I know I'm mere days away from seeing things change.
I recently ordered a Bodybugg and am very excited about it. Please visit the website. I've heard great things, really liked what I've researched and though the initial investment seemed expensive, I think it will be the turning point in my journey. And that is exactly what this is going to be. A journey, one that never ends. I'm not going to wake up 3 years form now, look in the mirror and go okay I'm done. I've arrived where I want to be. Things change, life changes, goals change, how you look changes... everything changes and I have to learn to grow with the change.
The Bodybugg has an online program to help with calorie intake which is a big one for me. I'm an emotional eater. I'm happy, I eat. I'm sad, I eat. I'm bored, I eat. I tun to food to comfort me. To sooth me. To aid me in my day. I don't want food to be my nucleus anymore.
I also hope that in creating a healthier me I become the example my children want to follow. I know, thanks to genetics, that obese children are not going to be a problem for me. Even though I don't eat all that well, my children are fed as if their bodies are temples. Which of course they are. Organic, whole grains, fruits and veggies, few refined sugars, small meals, well rounded snacks. I'm ridiculous about my children and I've let myself become a trash can. Carson is allergic to corn. You read that one correctly! So his allergy really has aided us in creating a healthier home.
So #1: A healthier me. Stay tuned... steps are being taken, let's see how this goes!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
30 BEFORE 30
It's not a bucket list as I am not dying... at least anytime soon. Hopefully. Please God. Anywhooooo.....
My friend Diana, did this 30 before 30 on her blog and I just sort of fell in love with the idea. Small attainable goals that start you down a path to larger ones. So everyday for the next 30 days I will give you a goal, one of my 30. I am 27. I just turned 27 on February 18th (I did not receive a card from you... you know who you are) and it was one of those rare, amazing birthdays. My husband whisked me away to the NYLO in Plano. It was like 10 miles from my house!!! I'm joshing but I'm serious.
He gave me a "sick" day. Now if you are a mommy, especially a stay at home mommy, you know better than most, we don't get sick days. We get sick but we don't get time off. We just keep going. There is no lounging in bed while the fevers subsides, there is no staying 15 feet away from all food substances when you feel as if you are about to hurl your intestines all over kingdom come and its suburbs, no one makes you soup. You get up, pop some pills and walk through the day at a death row pace. You have to. So this "sick" day idea... seriously husbands, best idea ever! We went to the spa and had a couples massage, we watched movies at the Angelika, we ate and stayed in an awesome hotel, we ate some more. No one pulled on the edge of my shirt to get my attention, no one said Mommy over and over and over again, not once did I have to crawl onto the floor and build anything, race anything or search for anything. Greatest weekend ever!
Back to the 30... If you read my blog you know I have goals already set up for this year. And I plan on maintaining those. Some of those goals will flow into the 30 before 30 and some will remain separate. Some of these will be silly, some will be serious, some will be simple. Just 30 things I want to do or feel I need to do. Seems like a good idea, right? I thought so too!
My friend Diana, did this 30 before 30 on her blog and I just sort of fell in love with the idea. Small attainable goals that start you down a path to larger ones. So everyday for the next 30 days I will give you a goal, one of my 30. I am 27. I just turned 27 on February 18th (I did not receive a card from you... you know who you are) and it was one of those rare, amazing birthdays. My husband whisked me away to the NYLO in Plano. It was like 10 miles from my house!!! I'm joshing but I'm serious.
He gave me a "sick" day. Now if you are a mommy, especially a stay at home mommy, you know better than most, we don't get sick days. We get sick but we don't get time off. We just keep going. There is no lounging in bed while the fevers subsides, there is no staying 15 feet away from all food substances when you feel as if you are about to hurl your intestines all over kingdom come and its suburbs, no one makes you soup. You get up, pop some pills and walk through the day at a death row pace. You have to. So this "sick" day idea... seriously husbands, best idea ever! We went to the spa and had a couples massage, we watched movies at the Angelika, we ate and stayed in an awesome hotel, we ate some more. No one pulled on the edge of my shirt to get my attention, no one said Mommy over and over and over again, not once did I have to crawl onto the floor and build anything, race anything or search for anything. Greatest weekend ever!
Back to the 30... If you read my blog you know I have goals already set up for this year. And I plan on maintaining those. Some of those goals will flow into the 30 before 30 and some will remain separate. Some of these will be silly, some will be serious, some will be simple. Just 30 things I want to do or feel I need to do. Seems like a good idea, right? I thought so too!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Baby step number 1
I received a wake-up call today. In retrospect I think I've been receiving them all week but I'm going to focus at first on today's: I stepped on the scale at the gym. I did this for multiple reasons. the first being I don't own a scale. I've always prided myself in that fact and I know it seems a silly thing to take pride in but I thought I was making a statement. I don't own a scale because truly, I do not want the number to matter. Any of the numbers... not the poundage, not the dress size. I want the numbers to be irrelevant. I want to look in the mirror and be happy and I think that it shouldn't have anything to do with a number. But recently, and really for some time now, I haven't looked in the mirror and been happy.
Right after Logan was born (if you are new to my blog or to me in general, he is my second son), I got right back on the wagon. I was at the gym or the Pilates studio at least 5 days a week, most weeks it was 6 and that baby weight came flying off of me. I looked good, I felt great. And it was really about the feelings to be honest. I was more patient with my kiddos, I was sleeping better, I was a person who was truly enjoying her life, her husband, her family. So don't knock endorphins... they're real. But beyond the endorphins it was a feeling of contentment. No I wasn't a size 8 again, no the scale did not say 145 again (that is the ultimate goal by the by) and no I had not been awarded an exorbitant amount of money. I was happy with myself. For working out, for focusing on my health, for keeping a cleaner house, for getting my business back up and running. You see it was a waterfall effect. Once I liked myself again it became easier to dive back in, to take charge of myself again, to really embrace myself.
And then the Fall came... that's quite a metaphor. I'm speaking of Autumn but it was the beginning of my decent back into the "just getting by" place in my life. We've all lived there within ourselves. I just seem to go back there constantly. Pre-school started back up, Logan was diagnosed with a heart defect, things were taking more of my time and the more I pushed the harder I slid backwards. Gym time was the first to go. It's the easiest to get rid of. Take it out of my day and I instantly free up 1 1/2 to 3 hours every day. Then it was the work time. The time I spent on my business daily. And then one day I looked up and I wasn't doing any of the things that had helped me put the smile back into the reflection.
So I auditioned for a play. And I'll be honest I faced a lot of demons by doing that. I was really scared that I couldn't do theatre anymore. That I'd lost the drive. (Go back to November to learn more) But when I got the part of Claire in Proof, a part of me clicked back into place again. The show kept me trudging along. Proof was my net through the holidays. It was my link to myself while I dove into the craziness that is Thanksgiving and Christmas. And that craziness brought with it almost 25 pounds. See I got back around to it...
I'm one of those really lucky girls. People look at me and think, "she's a little pudgy", "she could stand to lose a few pounds"... but no one ever thinks, "Dang that girl is fat". I'm tall, I'm curvy, I have a larger chest. These, my friends, are fat illusions. As long as I dress well and hold my head up high, I look thinner. Don't get me wrong, thank you genetics and God for the blessings, but it isn't real. It hides the fact that today I stepped on a scale and saw 197 flash before my eyes.
197.
3 pounds from 200. I have weighed over 200 before but I was pregnant with Carson. And I'd done everything a pregnant woman was not supposed to do. And when you are 8 1/2 months pregnant and you see 203 on the scale there just isn't a whole lot to be done until after the baby is born. It took me 2 whole years and my first trimester with Logan to lose the 67 pounds I gained pregnant with Carson. It was hard and it was hell. So with Logan I did it all right. I excercised, I watched what I ate, I followed every rule out there and I put on 25 lbs. And I lost it all within 4 months of having Logan. And I was damn proud of myself.
And in one holiday season, in just a few short months, I let myself down. I failed myself and put it all of that weight back on. And it was so easy to do. I stopped working out. I ate whatever I wanted. I just flat out gave up all of my hard work and allowed myself to go back to hating my reflection. Now my reflection mocks me. It says you know how but you still can't.
I'm a smart woman. I know there were contributing factors outside of my control. I know that I'm being hard on myself. Well I think it's time to be hard on myself. I'm not going to list my goals here. I have large, lofty goals. I'm going to start taking baby steps. Tiny stairs that will place me back on that pedestal of self worth. Gym time. That is the first step... and I took it today.
Right after Logan was born (if you are new to my blog or to me in general, he is my second son), I got right back on the wagon. I was at the gym or the Pilates studio at least 5 days a week, most weeks it was 6 and that baby weight came flying off of me. I looked good, I felt great. And it was really about the feelings to be honest. I was more patient with my kiddos, I was sleeping better, I was a person who was truly enjoying her life, her husband, her family. So don't knock endorphins... they're real. But beyond the endorphins it was a feeling of contentment. No I wasn't a size 8 again, no the scale did not say 145 again (that is the ultimate goal by the by) and no I had not been awarded an exorbitant amount of money. I was happy with myself. For working out, for focusing on my health, for keeping a cleaner house, for getting my business back up and running. You see it was a waterfall effect. Once I liked myself again it became easier to dive back in, to take charge of myself again, to really embrace myself.
And then the Fall came... that's quite a metaphor. I'm speaking of Autumn but it was the beginning of my decent back into the "just getting by" place in my life. We've all lived there within ourselves. I just seem to go back there constantly. Pre-school started back up, Logan was diagnosed with a heart defect, things were taking more of my time and the more I pushed the harder I slid backwards. Gym time was the first to go. It's the easiest to get rid of. Take it out of my day and I instantly free up 1 1/2 to 3 hours every day. Then it was the work time. The time I spent on my business daily. And then one day I looked up and I wasn't doing any of the things that had helped me put the smile back into the reflection.
So I auditioned for a play. And I'll be honest I faced a lot of demons by doing that. I was really scared that I couldn't do theatre anymore. That I'd lost the drive. (Go back to November to learn more) But when I got the part of Claire in Proof, a part of me clicked back into place again. The show kept me trudging along. Proof was my net through the holidays. It was my link to myself while I dove into the craziness that is Thanksgiving and Christmas. And that craziness brought with it almost 25 pounds. See I got back around to it...
I'm one of those really lucky girls. People look at me and think, "she's a little pudgy", "she could stand to lose a few pounds"... but no one ever thinks, "Dang that girl is fat". I'm tall, I'm curvy, I have a larger chest. These, my friends, are fat illusions. As long as I dress well and hold my head up high, I look thinner. Don't get me wrong, thank you genetics and God for the blessings, but it isn't real. It hides the fact that today I stepped on a scale and saw 197 flash before my eyes.
197.
3 pounds from 200. I have weighed over 200 before but I was pregnant with Carson. And I'd done everything a pregnant woman was not supposed to do. And when you are 8 1/2 months pregnant and you see 203 on the scale there just isn't a whole lot to be done until after the baby is born. It took me 2 whole years and my first trimester with Logan to lose the 67 pounds I gained pregnant with Carson. It was hard and it was hell. So with Logan I did it all right. I excercised, I watched what I ate, I followed every rule out there and I put on 25 lbs. And I lost it all within 4 months of having Logan. And I was damn proud of myself.
And in one holiday season, in just a few short months, I let myself down. I failed myself and put it all of that weight back on. And it was so easy to do. I stopped working out. I ate whatever I wanted. I just flat out gave up all of my hard work and allowed myself to go back to hating my reflection. Now my reflection mocks me. It says you know how but you still can't.
I'm a smart woman. I know there were contributing factors outside of my control. I know that I'm being hard on myself. Well I think it's time to be hard on myself. I'm not going to list my goals here. I have large, lofty goals. I'm going to start taking baby steps. Tiny stairs that will place me back on that pedestal of self worth. Gym time. That is the first step... and I took it today.
Friday, February 4, 2011
More organizing... the small stuff
Cabinets, pantry. Seriously the small stuff. I've posted pictures below... I know it isn't really all that interesting. But I've been stuck in the house for 4 days so I'm going a little stir crazy!
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Baby Food Cupboard...
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Baby Food Cupboard...
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Spice Cabinet...
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Pantry...
I've used these really cool handled baskets from The Container Store. I saw them on one of Oprah's re-do shows. They are very neat and make taking things in and out of the cabinets very easy. Especially for the baby food that comes in the pouches and not jars. And for baking supplies. Don't worry I have more to come... The office is very close to being finished!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
ICE is NICE
I am a winter girl! I really am. I love the cold and the snow and especially the winter clothes. I prefer sweaters and layers and scarves and cute hats and boots. Well... let's be honest I do not discriminate when it comes to footwear. I love all pretty shoes. You do notice the pretty, that is important. Ugly shoes are not my friends. I hate to be hot and I hate to sweat. My hair looks better in the winter (this is because I'm not sweating) and so does my skin (no oil to ruin good make-up days). Yes, I have to double up on the moisturizer but I can handle that. I get it. The above is a little superficial and vain. We've discussed this previously, I'm vain. I'm okay with that.
But there are other things I like. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines... just a few of my faves. I love to bake and snuggle on the couch or take a hot bath. All things that I prefer to do when it is cold outside. I'm a huge fan of hot cocoa and of soup! Again, preferable in the cold winter months. And snow days! Yes, I do love them. I love having my hubby home (though that does not happen often) and for the most part I like being trapped in the house with my kiddos. Mostly... anyway.
However we are now nearing 72 hours of being inside this house with my two little men. I know I could go out. I'm a very steady driver and I could definitely handle it. But below 20 degrees is a little too cold to take little people outside if it isn't necessary. Also we'd just be moving from the inside of our house to the inside of the mall or Target or (and if the day care was open) the gym. The gym I would actually venture forth to but alas, the Fun Club is closed. And at least our stale, trapped in the house air is only contaminated with our germs. The mall air or Target air, well, you get the picture.
So I've been cleaning and organizing. Cupboards, the pantry, the office, and cabinet I see that could use an improvement. Closets. Oh the closets. I'm desperately trying to be productive. I even got dressed yesterday. Make-up and hair an all, even though it was really pointless. I'm rambling I realize but I'm circling back to my point, I promise. I'm sorting the junk and the toys and scouring the internet for storage solutions and a new dresser for Carson's room and new craft ideas for me.
So... what is the point, right? Well, I still love winter. I really do! I like being cold but I like being 45 degree cold. I'm high maintenance. Really I am. I know, hard to believe! I'm picky about my cold and I'm picky about my snow, could it be fluffy, throwing snow ball snow? I'd prefer that to sticky, wet, eat away at your flesh snow. And I need the 1" think sheet of ice covering everything outside to melt and go away. AND... I need to get out of my house! Oh dear Lord in heaven above, I need to get out of my house!
But there are other things I like. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines... just a few of my faves. I love to bake and snuggle on the couch or take a hot bath. All things that I prefer to do when it is cold outside. I'm a huge fan of hot cocoa and of soup! Again, preferable in the cold winter months. And snow days! Yes, I do love them. I love having my hubby home (though that does not happen often) and for the most part I like being trapped in the house with my kiddos. Mostly... anyway.
However we are now nearing 72 hours of being inside this house with my two little men. I know I could go out. I'm a very steady driver and I could definitely handle it. But below 20 degrees is a little too cold to take little people outside if it isn't necessary. Also we'd just be moving from the inside of our house to the inside of the mall or Target or (and if the day care was open) the gym. The gym I would actually venture forth to but alas, the Fun Club is closed. And at least our stale, trapped in the house air is only contaminated with our germs. The mall air or Target air, well, you get the picture.
So I've been cleaning and organizing. Cupboards, the pantry, the office, and cabinet I see that could use an improvement. Closets. Oh the closets. I'm desperately trying to be productive. I even got dressed yesterday. Make-up and hair an all, even though it was really pointless. I'm rambling I realize but I'm circling back to my point, I promise. I'm sorting the junk and the toys and scouring the internet for storage solutions and a new dresser for Carson's room and new craft ideas for me.
So... what is the point, right? Well, I still love winter. I really do! I like being cold but I like being 45 degree cold. I'm high maintenance. Really I am. I know, hard to believe! I'm picky about my cold and I'm picky about my snow, could it be fluffy, throwing snow ball snow? I'd prefer that to sticky, wet, eat away at your flesh snow. And I need the 1" think sheet of ice covering everything outside to melt and go away. AND... I need to get out of my house! Oh dear Lord in heaven above, I need to get out of my house!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
And we've begun...
Last weekend, we started the cleaning and organizing monster. He's an ugly monster and he is currently living perched on my shoulder as a constant reminder that I'm not working fast enough. I just want it all done! The cleaning (base boards, fans, corners of walls) went smoothly. And at the same time took much longer than I had anticipated. My wonderful hubby did the bulk of the office gutting for me. And it all currently resides in my formal living and dining room. Which, though it is annoying, really allowed us to take a good look at the office and decide what needed to happen.
We decided to go vertical and are now Container Store ELFA converts. It is kind of amazing. Mount one bracket to the wall, making sure to hit at least one stud and then everything slides on and hangs from it. Needless to say, we are officially on our way to getting the clutter under control. I'm posting before pictures now. It's going to take a couple of days to really finish. We own too much stuff! I'm really trying to get serious with myself about what is necessary and what isn't... but let's face it! I'm an actress and a crafter and a stay-at-home mommy! I'm a trifecta of hoarding personalities! What if I need it later?!?!?!?!?! Like I said, I'm working on it.
Those two pictures, directly above this sentence? That's all the crap... well sort of. The bulk of the scrapbook stuff is still in the room. But its getting ready to come out as well. I normally love doing stuff like this. Right now? Well, right now I hate it!
We decided to go vertical and are now Container Store ELFA converts. It is kind of amazing. Mount one bracket to the wall, making sure to hit at least one stud and then everything slides on and hangs from it. Needless to say, we are officially on our way to getting the clutter under control. I'm posting before pictures now. It's going to take a couple of days to really finish. We own too much stuff! I'm really trying to get serious with myself about what is necessary and what isn't... but let's face it! I'm an actress and a crafter and a stay-at-home mommy! I'm a trifecta of hoarding personalities! What if I need it later?!?!?!?!?! Like I said, I'm working on it.
Those two pictures, directly above this sentence? That's all the crap... well sort of. The bulk of the scrapbook stuff is still in the room. But its getting ready to come out as well. I normally love doing stuff like this. Right now? Well, right now I hate it!
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