I am a mommy. It is part of who I am. I can promise you that 10 years ago I never would have thought I'd be a stay-at-home mommy to two little boys. The idea simply would never have crossed my mind. 10 years ago I was in HS. 10 years ago I was a new driver with a new truck, I was concerned with myself and little else. I was an active and busy student whose entire world revolved around a social schedule. Where does time go?
I enjoy being a mommy. In fact I love it. But I have recognized and come to terms with the fact that this aspect does not define me. I need other things in my life to fulfill me. But today? Today I focus on Mommy.
This is the most important job I will ever do and I don't get to start over when I screw it up... and believe me I screw it up. Daily. There are just so many choices to make when it comes to your kids and you can't ever get it all right. Which drives me batty! I want to get it right, damnit! With Carson I tried to do it all... and most days succeeded. I breast fed for as long as my body allowed and then had to come to terms with the fact that my body just stopped one day. I made organic, all natural, preservative free baby food. We played, we did flash cards, I focused almost all of my attention on him all of the time. And then when 1 year rolled around I was exhausted! So I found a MDO program and rolled my guilt into a corner of my closet and started focusing on other things for a change.
With Logan, things have gone a bit differently. I did breast feed but I had to pump. And so that did not last very long because pumping every 3-4 hours while dealing with an infant and a 2-3 year old and trying to keep a clean home and trying to cook meals... well there just aren't that many hours in the day. I have not made baby food. I mean a couple of things but, let's face it, that free time that abounded when Carson was a baby? Well that is nowhere to be seen. So jars it is! And another ball of guilt rolls into that closet. We go to the gym and the boys go to child care. Another ball of guilt. I run an at home business so Logan gets a lot of alone playtime on the floor in the office. Another ball of guilt. Every time I take time out for myself... another ball of guilt.
But here is what I've learned: nothing stops the balls of guilt from rolling on out of you. It's what you do with them later on that counts. Mommy guilt is something that just comes with the territory. There is little to be done with it other than recognizing that you are doing your best. I second guess every decision I make! I strive to do my best with my boys. To teach them and play with them. To love them, to make sure they know they are loved. To make sure that they know discipline is a form of that love and that they could never do anything that would make that love stop. It is unconditional and theirs for the entirety of their lives. So you put those balls somewhere else and you close up the entrance because they are unimportant.
So this mommy thing, it is part of me. I live with it... I live in it. It is a constant and changing force that drives me to do better everyday. It's also the best and funnest thing that has ever happened to me. Children bring a joy into your life that is almost impossible to describe. It's the truest of loves, a warmth that comes from the center of you and lights the ways for your children. I will probably screw them up in ways that I can't even grasp at the moment and that's okay... I'm putting money aside for therapy later on.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Redfinition
So this will be my new blog focus for a few weeks. Redefining myself. Or really, coming to terms with the definitions as they are already in place.
So I was in Ozona recently doing jewelry shows for my mom and a friend from school. I made the comment that I think I've changed a lot since my HS days and my friend disagreed. And as I got thinking about it I wondered why? Am I really the same or have I changed? And if I've changed, how exactly? And is this change something only I see? And if I'm the only to see it is actually real?
So now after a few weeks of wondering, thinking, deliberating... maybe I haven't changed. Maybe I've just become comfortable with who I am. When you grow up in a small town, as small a town as I did anyway, you are not always loved for who you are. So when people say things like, just be yourself, you can't actually ever do that because once your true colors are out there you can't hide them, you can't take them back. You know that letting people see you, for who you actually are, can be a major step in the wrong direction. You are constantly editing yourself, your behavior to fit into some mold. I never did really fit. No matter how hard I tried and believe me I really tried. It's all I ever wanted really. Growing up I just wanted to blend in. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Even when you look at pictures with friends and I, it easy to see that that was never, absolutely never going to happen. All of my friends were blond, blue eyed, thin, cute. Not short but not exactly tall either. I'm only 5'9", red headed, dark eyes, curvy... could never be described as cute in a million years. You see where I'm going here, right? If I couldn't blend in physically why did I ever think I blended in any other capacity?
Then lets go ahead and focus on the fact that I'm not quiet. I talk. I talk a lot and it has taken me years to be okay with that. And in the years when I wasn't okay with it and tried to sensor my every word, I looked and felt horribly uncomfortable. Because I was. It just isn't who I am. I'm not a wall flower, I don't hang on anyone's every word and I certainly have an opinion of my own.
But when you are a teenager and interested in boys, as I certainly was, you just want to be like everyone else. I would look in the mirror and think, I'm sort of pretty, I have all the right things in all the right places, so why don't any of the boys in my home town like me? Looking back I can accept the fact that teenage boys are not comfortable with a girl who knows what she wants. Let's be honest most grown men aren't comfortable with a woman who knows what she wants. And even though I've definitely had interims of space where I was confused or searching, most of the time I know what it is exactly that I want in life and I'm striving to get it. I was never good at playing the games. Stroke the ego and such. I just wanted someone to like me for who I was.
I always thought of myself as a giving person, but that wasn't cool so I just found other ways to do it. Like volunteer work or extra curricular activities that focused on community service. I was mean to people when others were because that is how you are "supposed to act" when you are a teenager but it always chafed. I wish I had been one of those teenagers we read about now-a-days. The ones who grasp opportunities to change their communities, who are comfortable in their own skin, who are focused and driven. Don't get me wrong, I was very active in almost everything in HS but I wonder, did I do it for me? Or because I was grasping for something? I tried so hard to fit in that when I left and allowed myself to be who I was I thought I'd changed.
So circling back to this change thing. I guess that friend of mine was right. I haven't changed. I even look pretty much the same. I just like myself now. Or moved to a place where I was allowed to grow and like myself. I didn't stay there. I couldn't. I was never accepted. I never fit in and even today when I return I find myself trying to edit my behavior. There is a Cross Canadian Ragweed song that says you are always 17 in you hometown. Well, that's accurate! As soon as I hit HWY163, I feel the change take over. I'm 17 and racing the clock back from Angelo on a Saturday afternoon with Jessica in the front seat of my truck, singing John Cougar Mellencamp.
Hhhhmmmmmmm, and then I'm jolted back by a swift kick to the back of my seat.
So I was in Ozona recently doing jewelry shows for my mom and a friend from school. I made the comment that I think I've changed a lot since my HS days and my friend disagreed. And as I got thinking about it I wondered why? Am I really the same or have I changed? And if I've changed, how exactly? And is this change something only I see? And if I'm the only to see it is actually real?
So now after a few weeks of wondering, thinking, deliberating... maybe I haven't changed. Maybe I've just become comfortable with who I am. When you grow up in a small town, as small a town as I did anyway, you are not always loved for who you are. So when people say things like, just be yourself, you can't actually ever do that because once your true colors are out there you can't hide them, you can't take them back. You know that letting people see you, for who you actually are, can be a major step in the wrong direction. You are constantly editing yourself, your behavior to fit into some mold. I never did really fit. No matter how hard I tried and believe me I really tried. It's all I ever wanted really. Growing up I just wanted to blend in. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Even when you look at pictures with friends and I, it easy to see that that was never, absolutely never going to happen. All of my friends were blond, blue eyed, thin, cute. Not short but not exactly tall either. I'm only 5'9", red headed, dark eyes, curvy... could never be described as cute in a million years. You see where I'm going here, right? If I couldn't blend in physically why did I ever think I blended in any other capacity?
Then lets go ahead and focus on the fact that I'm not quiet. I talk. I talk a lot and it has taken me years to be okay with that. And in the years when I wasn't okay with it and tried to sensor my every word, I looked and felt horribly uncomfortable. Because I was. It just isn't who I am. I'm not a wall flower, I don't hang on anyone's every word and I certainly have an opinion of my own.
But when you are a teenager and interested in boys, as I certainly was, you just want to be like everyone else. I would look in the mirror and think, I'm sort of pretty, I have all the right things in all the right places, so why don't any of the boys in my home town like me? Looking back I can accept the fact that teenage boys are not comfortable with a girl who knows what she wants. Let's be honest most grown men aren't comfortable with a woman who knows what she wants. And even though I've definitely had interims of space where I was confused or searching, most of the time I know what it is exactly that I want in life and I'm striving to get it. I was never good at playing the games. Stroke the ego and such. I just wanted someone to like me for who I was.
I always thought of myself as a giving person, but that wasn't cool so I just found other ways to do it. Like volunteer work or extra curricular activities that focused on community service. I was mean to people when others were because that is how you are "supposed to act" when you are a teenager but it always chafed. I wish I had been one of those teenagers we read about now-a-days. The ones who grasp opportunities to change their communities, who are comfortable in their own skin, who are focused and driven. Don't get me wrong, I was very active in almost everything in HS but I wonder, did I do it for me? Or because I was grasping for something? I tried so hard to fit in that when I left and allowed myself to be who I was I thought I'd changed.
So circling back to this change thing. I guess that friend of mine was right. I haven't changed. I even look pretty much the same. I just like myself now. Or moved to a place where I was allowed to grow and like myself. I didn't stay there. I couldn't. I was never accepted. I never fit in and even today when I return I find myself trying to edit my behavior. There is a Cross Canadian Ragweed song that says you are always 17 in you hometown. Well, that's accurate! As soon as I hit HWY163, I feel the change take over. I'm 17 and racing the clock back from Angelo on a Saturday afternoon with Jessica in the front seat of my truck, singing John Cougar Mellencamp.
Hhhhmmmmmmm, and then I'm jolted back by a swift kick to the back of my seat.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
From where I'm sitting...
Life is a whirlwind right now. I haven' written in a while, not since my "outburst". Thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts, insights and for believing in me. I did get a part and am now in rehearsal. I'm daily reminded that it has been a while since I've done this. The rehearsal schedule reminds me that I have one week to get my lines memorized and no, typing it and re-reading it, did not make it seem less scary. It is still unbelievably petrifying... aaaahhhhhhhh!
The Christmas season is actively crawling its way to my door and that in and of itself is crazy! Where has this year gone? I know at the beginning of it I was pregnant, expecting my second little boy. And now he is almost 7 months old, huge and I'm pretty sure will be crawling by Christmas which is another active volcano of fear in my world.
I started selling Premier Design Jewelry which I am so far loving. I'll be honest and say that I started because something had to give financially. Two kiddos need a lot and I'm not good at budgeting so I had to find some way to bring in something extra. But I love jewelry, I love people, I love to talk, so this seemed like a great fit and like I said so far so good. I'd like/ love a little more work so if you are interested in hosting a party... please let me know... shameless plug done.
And as for my own business, The Jellybean Giraffe, I've been busy there as well. It's the season! Lots of custom clothes and bows and the such. I am however starting to not like my sewing machine so I may have to take a little break from ti for my own sanity.
I'm working on some ideas for some blog projects next year so I hope that they being to congeal in my head and really become something. I'll let you know more about those as they take root a little deeper. Okay that is all for today. I feel a little clearer. Back to the hot glue gun I go!
The Christmas season is actively crawling its way to my door and that in and of itself is crazy! Where has this year gone? I know at the beginning of it I was pregnant, expecting my second little boy. And now he is almost 7 months old, huge and I'm pretty sure will be crawling by Christmas which is another active volcano of fear in my world.
I started selling Premier Design Jewelry which I am so far loving. I'll be honest and say that I started because something had to give financially. Two kiddos need a lot and I'm not good at budgeting so I had to find some way to bring in something extra. But I love jewelry, I love people, I love to talk, so this seemed like a great fit and like I said so far so good. I'd like/ love a little more work so if you are interested in hosting a party... please let me know... shameless plug done.
And as for my own business, The Jellybean Giraffe, I've been busy there as well. It's the season! Lots of custom clothes and bows and the such. I am however starting to not like my sewing machine so I may have to take a little break from ti for my own sanity.
I'm working on some ideas for some blog projects next year so I hope that they being to congeal in my head and really become something. I'll let you know more about those as they take root a little deeper. Okay that is all for today. I feel a little clearer. Back to the hot glue gun I go!
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