Baby step number 1

I received a wake-up call today. In retrospect I think I've been receiving them all week but I'm going to focus at first on today's: I stepped on the scale at the gym. I did this for multiple reasons. the first being I don't own a scale. I've always prided myself in that fact and I know it seems a silly thing to take pride in but I thought I was making a statement. I don't own a scale because truly, I do not want the number to matter. Any of the numbers... not the poundage, not the dress size. I want the numbers to be irrelevant. I want to look in the mirror and be happy and I think that it shouldn't have anything to do with a number. But recently, and really for some time now, I haven't looked in the mirror and been happy.

Right after Logan was born (if you are new to my blog or to me in general, he is my second son), I got right back on the wagon. I was at the gym or the Pilates studio at least 5 days a week, most weeks it was 6 and that baby weight came flying off of me. I looked good, I felt great. And it was really about the feelings to be honest. I was more patient with my kiddos, I was sleeping better, I was a person who was truly enjoying her life, her husband, her family. So don't knock endorphins... they're real. But beyond the endorphins it was a feeling of contentment. No I wasn't a size 8 again, no the scale did not say 145 again (that is the ultimate goal by the by) and no I had not been awarded an exorbitant amount of money. I was happy with myself. For working out, for focusing on my health, for keeping a cleaner house, for getting my business back up and running. You see it was a waterfall effect. Once I liked myself again it became easier to dive back in, to take charge of myself again, to really embrace myself.

And then the Fall came... that's quite a metaphor. I'm speaking of Autumn but it was the beginning of my decent back into the "just getting by" place in my life. We've all lived there within ourselves. I just seem to go back there constantly. Pre-school started back up, Logan was diagnosed with a heart defect, things were taking more of my time and the more I pushed the harder I slid backwards. Gym time was the first to go. It's the easiest to get rid of. Take it out of my day and I instantly free up 1 1/2 to 3 hours every day. Then it was the work time. The time I spent on my business daily. And then one day I looked up and I wasn't doing any of the things that had helped me put the smile back into the reflection.

So I auditioned for a play. And I'll be honest I faced a lot of demons by doing that. I was really scared that I couldn't do theatre anymore. That I'd lost the drive. (Go back to November to learn more) But when I got the part of Claire in Proof, a part of me clicked back into place again. The show kept me trudging along. Proof was my net through the holidays. It was my link to myself while I dove into the craziness that is Thanksgiving and Christmas. And that craziness brought with it almost 25 pounds. See I got back around to it...

I'm one of those really lucky girls. People look at me and think, "she's a little pudgy", "she could stand to lose a few pounds"... but no one ever thinks, "Dang that girl is fat". I'm tall, I'm curvy, I have a larger chest. These, my friends, are fat illusions. As long as I dress well and hold my head up high, I look thinner. Don't get me wrong, thank you genetics and God for the blessings, but it isn't real. It hides the fact that today I stepped on a scale and saw 197 flash before my eyes.

197.

3 pounds from 200. I have weighed over 200 before but I was pregnant with Carson. And I'd done everything a pregnant woman was not supposed to do. And when you are 8 1/2 months pregnant and you see 203 on the scale there just isn't a whole lot to be done until after the baby is born. It took me 2 whole years and my first trimester with Logan to lose the 67 pounds I gained pregnant with Carson. It was hard and it was hell. So with Logan I did it all right. I excercised, I watched what I ate, I followed every rule out there and I put on 25 lbs. And I lost it all within 4 months of having Logan. And I was damn proud of myself.

And in one holiday season, in just a few short months, I let myself down. I failed myself and put it all of that weight back on. And it was so easy to do. I stopped working out. I ate whatever I wanted. I just flat out gave up all of my hard work and allowed myself to go back to hating my reflection. Now my reflection mocks me. It says you know how but you still can't.

I'm a smart woman. I know there were contributing factors outside of my control. I know that I'm being hard on myself. Well I think it's time to be hard on myself. I'm not going to list my goals here. I have large, lofty goals. I'm going to start taking baby steps. Tiny stairs that will place me back on that pedestal of self worth. Gym time. That is the first step... and I took it today.

More organizing... the small stuff

Cabinets, pantry. Seriously the small stuff. I've posted pictures below... I know it isn't really all that interesting. But I've been stuck in the house for 4 days so I'm going a little stir crazy!

The BEFORE and AFTER of the Baby Food Cupboard...

The BEFORE and AFTER of the Spice Cabinet...

The BEFORE and AFTER of the Pantry...

I've used these really cool handled baskets from The Container Store. I saw them on one of Oprah's re-do shows. They are very neat and make taking things in and out of the cabinets very easy. Especially for the baby food that comes in the pouches and not jars. And for baking supplies. Don't worry I have more to come... The office is very close to being finished!

ICE is NICE

I am a winter girl! I really am. I love the cold and the snow and especially the winter clothes. I prefer sweaters and layers and scarves and cute hats and boots. Well... let's be honest I do not discriminate when it comes to footwear. I love all pretty shoes. You do notice the pretty, that is important. Ugly shoes are not my friends. I hate to be hot and I hate to sweat. My hair looks better in the winter (this is because I'm not sweating) and so does my skin (no oil to ruin good make-up days). Yes, I have to double up on the moisturizer but I can handle that. I get it. The above is a little superficial and vain. We've discussed this previously, I'm vain. I'm okay with that.

But there are other things I like. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines... just a few of my faves. I love to bake and snuggle on the couch or take a hot bath. All things that I prefer to do when it is cold outside. I'm a huge fan of hot cocoa and of soup! Again, preferable in the cold winter months. And snow days! Yes, I do love them. I love having my hubby home (though that does not happen often) and for the most part I like being trapped in the house with my kiddos. Mostly... anyway.

However we are now nearing 72 hours of being inside this house with my two little men. I know I could go out. I'm a very steady driver and I could definitely handle it. But below 20 degrees is a little too cold to take little people outside if it isn't necessary. Also we'd just be moving from the inside of our house to the inside of the mall or Target or (and if the day care was open) the gym. The gym I would actually venture forth to but alas, the Fun Club is closed. And at least our stale, trapped in the house air is only contaminated with our germs. The mall air or Target air, well, you get the picture.

So I've been cleaning and organizing. Cupboards, the pantry, the office, and cabinet I see that could use an improvement. Closets. Oh the closets. I'm desperately trying to be productive. I even got dressed yesterday. Make-up and hair an all, even though it was really pointless. I'm rambling I realize but I'm circling back to my point, I promise. I'm sorting the junk and the toys and scouring the internet for storage solutions and a new dresser for Carson's room and new craft ideas for me.

So... what is the point, right? Well, I still love winter. I really do! I like being cold but I like being 45 degree cold. I'm high maintenance. Really I am. I know, hard to believe! I'm picky about my cold and I'm picky about my snow, could it be fluffy, throwing snow ball snow? I'd prefer that to sticky, wet, eat away at your flesh snow. And I need the 1" think sheet of ice covering everything outside to melt and go away. AND... I need to get out of my house! Oh dear Lord in heaven above, I need to get out of my house!

And we've begun...

Last weekend, we started the cleaning and organizing monster. He's an ugly monster and he is currently living perched on my shoulder as a constant reminder that I'm not working fast enough. I just want it all done! The cleaning (base boards, fans, corners of walls) went smoothly. And at the same time took much longer than I had anticipated. My wonderful hubby did the bulk of the office gutting for me. And it all currently resides in my formal living and dining room. Which, though it is annoying, really allowed us to take a good look at the office and decide what needed to happen.







We decided to go vertical and are now Container Store ELFA converts. It is kind of amazing. Mount one bracket to the wall, making sure to hit at least one stud and then everything slides on and hangs from it. Needless to say, we are officially on our way to getting the clutter under control. I'm posting before pictures now. It's going to take a couple of days to really finish. We own too much stuff! I'm really trying to get serious with myself about what is necessary and what isn't... but let's face it! I'm an actress and a crafter and a stay-at-home mommy! I'm a trifecta of hoarding personalities! What if I need it later?!?!?!?!?! Like I said, I'm working on it.





Those two pictures, directly above this sentence? That's all the crap... well sort of. The bulk of the scrapbook stuff is still in the room. But its getting ready to come out as well. I normally love doing stuff like this. Right now? Well, right now I hate it!