Baby step number 1

I received a wake-up call today. In retrospect I think I've been receiving them all week but I'm going to focus at first on today's: I stepped on the scale at the gym. I did this for multiple reasons. the first being I don't own a scale. I've always prided myself in that fact and I know it seems a silly thing to take pride in but I thought I was making a statement. I don't own a scale because truly, I do not want the number to matter. Any of the numbers... not the poundage, not the dress size. I want the numbers to be irrelevant. I want to look in the mirror and be happy and I think that it shouldn't have anything to do with a number. But recently, and really for some time now, I haven't looked in the mirror and been happy.

Right after Logan was born (if you are new to my blog or to me in general, he is my second son), I got right back on the wagon. I was at the gym or the Pilates studio at least 5 days a week, most weeks it was 6 and that baby weight came flying off of me. I looked good, I felt great. And it was really about the feelings to be honest. I was more patient with my kiddos, I was sleeping better, I was a person who was truly enjoying her life, her husband, her family. So don't knock endorphins... they're real. But beyond the endorphins it was a feeling of contentment. No I wasn't a size 8 again, no the scale did not say 145 again (that is the ultimate goal by the by) and no I had not been awarded an exorbitant amount of money. I was happy with myself. For working out, for focusing on my health, for keeping a cleaner house, for getting my business back up and running. You see it was a waterfall effect. Once I liked myself again it became easier to dive back in, to take charge of myself again, to really embrace myself.

And then the Fall came... that's quite a metaphor. I'm speaking of Autumn but it was the beginning of my decent back into the "just getting by" place in my life. We've all lived there within ourselves. I just seem to go back there constantly. Pre-school started back up, Logan was diagnosed with a heart defect, things were taking more of my time and the more I pushed the harder I slid backwards. Gym time was the first to go. It's the easiest to get rid of. Take it out of my day and I instantly free up 1 1/2 to 3 hours every day. Then it was the work time. The time I spent on my business daily. And then one day I looked up and I wasn't doing any of the things that had helped me put the smile back into the reflection.

So I auditioned for a play. And I'll be honest I faced a lot of demons by doing that. I was really scared that I couldn't do theatre anymore. That I'd lost the drive. (Go back to November to learn more) But when I got the part of Claire in Proof, a part of me clicked back into place again. The show kept me trudging along. Proof was my net through the holidays. It was my link to myself while I dove into the craziness that is Thanksgiving and Christmas. And that craziness brought with it almost 25 pounds. See I got back around to it...

I'm one of those really lucky girls. People look at me and think, "she's a little pudgy", "she could stand to lose a few pounds"... but no one ever thinks, "Dang that girl is fat". I'm tall, I'm curvy, I have a larger chest. These, my friends, are fat illusions. As long as I dress well and hold my head up high, I look thinner. Don't get me wrong, thank you genetics and God for the blessings, but it isn't real. It hides the fact that today I stepped on a scale and saw 197 flash before my eyes.

197.

3 pounds from 200. I have weighed over 200 before but I was pregnant with Carson. And I'd done everything a pregnant woman was not supposed to do. And when you are 8 1/2 months pregnant and you see 203 on the scale there just isn't a whole lot to be done until after the baby is born. It took me 2 whole years and my first trimester with Logan to lose the 67 pounds I gained pregnant with Carson. It was hard and it was hell. So with Logan I did it all right. I excercised, I watched what I ate, I followed every rule out there and I put on 25 lbs. And I lost it all within 4 months of having Logan. And I was damn proud of myself.

And in one holiday season, in just a few short months, I let myself down. I failed myself and put it all of that weight back on. And it was so easy to do. I stopped working out. I ate whatever I wanted. I just flat out gave up all of my hard work and allowed myself to go back to hating my reflection. Now my reflection mocks me. It says you know how but you still can't.

I'm a smart woman. I know there were contributing factors outside of my control. I know that I'm being hard on myself. Well I think it's time to be hard on myself. I'm not going to list my goals here. I have large, lofty goals. I'm going to start taking baby steps. Tiny stairs that will place me back on that pedestal of self worth. Gym time. That is the first step... and I took it today.