I am a mommy. It is part of who I am. I can promise you that 10 years ago I never would have thought I'd be a stay-at-home mommy to two little boys. The idea simply would never have crossed my mind. 10 years ago I was in HS. 10 years ago I was a new driver with a new truck, I was concerned with myself and little else. I was an active and busy student whose entire world revolved around a social schedule. Where does time go?
I enjoy being a mommy. In fact I love it. But I have recognized and come to terms with the fact that this aspect does not define me. I need other things in my life to fulfill me. But today? Today I focus on Mommy.
This is the most important job I will ever do and I don't get to start over when I screw it up... and believe me I screw it up. Daily. There are just so many choices to make when it comes to your kids and you can't ever get it all right. Which drives me batty! I want to get it right, damnit! With Carson I tried to do it all... and most days succeeded. I breast fed for as long as my body allowed and then had to come to terms with the fact that my body just stopped one day. I made organic, all natural, preservative free baby food. We played, we did flash cards, I focused almost all of my attention on him all of the time. And then when 1 year rolled around I was exhausted! So I found a MDO program and rolled my guilt into a corner of my closet and started focusing on other things for a change.
With Logan, things have gone a bit differently. I did breast feed but I had to pump. And so that did not last very long because pumping every 3-4 hours while dealing with an infant and a 2-3 year old and trying to keep a clean home and trying to cook meals... well there just aren't that many hours in the day. I have not made baby food. I mean a couple of things but, let's face it, that free time that abounded when Carson was a baby? Well that is nowhere to be seen. So jars it is! And another ball of guilt rolls into that closet. We go to the gym and the boys go to child care. Another ball of guilt. I run an at home business so Logan gets a lot of alone playtime on the floor in the office. Another ball of guilt. Every time I take time out for myself... another ball of guilt.
But here is what I've learned: nothing stops the balls of guilt from rolling on out of you. It's what you do with them later on that counts. Mommy guilt is something that just comes with the territory. There is little to be done with it other than recognizing that you are doing your best. I second guess every decision I make! I strive to do my best with my boys. To teach them and play with them. To love them, to make sure they know they are loved. To make sure that they know discipline is a form of that love and that they could never do anything that would make that love stop. It is unconditional and theirs for the entirety of their lives. So you put those balls somewhere else and you close up the entrance because they are unimportant.
So this mommy thing, it is part of me. I live with it... I live in it. It is a constant and changing force that drives me to do better everyday. It's also the best and funnest thing that has ever happened to me. Children bring a joy into your life that is almost impossible to describe. It's the truest of loves, a warmth that comes from the center of you and lights the ways for your children. I will probably screw them up in ways that I can't even grasp at the moment and that's okay... I'm putting money aside for therapy later on.
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