I received a wake-up call today. In retrospect I think I've been receiving them all week but I'm going to focus at first on today's: I stepped on the scale at the gym. I did this for multiple reasons. the first being I don't own a scale. I've always prided myself in that fact and I know it seems a silly thing to take pride in but I thought I was making a statement. I don't own a scale because truly, I do not want the number to matter. Any of the numbers... not the poundage, not the dress size. I want the numbers to be irrelevant. I want to look in the mirror and be happy and I think that it shouldn't have anything to do with a number. But recently, and really for some time now, I haven't looked in the mirror and been happy.
Right after Logan was born (if you are new to my blog or to me in general, he is my second son), I got right back on the wagon. I was at the gym or the Pilates studio at least 5 days a week, most weeks it was 6 and that baby weight came flying off of me. I looked good, I felt great. And it was really about the feelings to be honest. I was more patient with my kiddos, I was sleeping better, I was a person who was truly enjoying her life, her husband, her family. So don't knock endorphins... they're real. But beyond the endorphins it was a feeling of contentment. No I wasn't a size 8 again, no the scale did not say 145 again (that is the ultimate goal by the by) and no I had not been awarded an exorbitant amount of money. I was happy with myself. For working out, for focusing on my health, for keeping a cleaner house, for getting my business back up and running. You see it was a waterfall effect. Once I liked myself again it became easier to dive back in, to take charge of myself again, to really embrace myself.
And then the Fall came... that's quite a metaphor. I'm speaking of Autumn but it was the beginning of my decent back into the "just getting by" place in my life. We've all lived there within ourselves. I just seem to go back there constantly. Pre-school started back up, Logan was diagnosed with a heart defect, things were taking more of my time and the more I pushed the harder I slid backwards. Gym time was the first to go. It's the easiest to get rid of. Take it out of my day and I instantly free up 1 1/2 to 3 hours every day. Then it was the work time. The time I spent on my business daily. And then one day I looked up and I wasn't doing any of the things that had helped me put the smile back into the reflection.
So I auditioned for a play. And I'll be honest I faced a lot of demons by doing that. I was really scared that I couldn't do theatre anymore. That I'd lost the drive. (Go back to November to learn more) But when I got the part of Claire in Proof, a part of me clicked back into place again. The show kept me trudging along. Proof was my net through the holidays. It was my link to myself while I dove into the craziness that is Thanksgiving and Christmas. And that craziness brought with it almost 25 pounds. See I got back around to it...
I'm one of those really lucky girls. People look at me and think, "she's a little pudgy", "she could stand to lose a few pounds"... but no one ever thinks, "Dang that girl is fat". I'm tall, I'm curvy, I have a larger chest. These, my friends, are fat illusions. As long as I dress well and hold my head up high, I look thinner. Don't get me wrong, thank you genetics and God for the blessings, but it isn't real. It hides the fact that today I stepped on a scale and saw 197 flash before my eyes.
197.
3 pounds from 200. I have weighed over 200 before but I was pregnant with Carson. And I'd done everything a pregnant woman was not supposed to do. And when you are 8 1/2 months pregnant and you see 203 on the scale there just isn't a whole lot to be done until after the baby is born. It took me 2 whole years and my first trimester with Logan to lose the 67 pounds I gained pregnant with Carson. It was hard and it was hell. So with Logan I did it all right. I excercised, I watched what I ate, I followed every rule out there and I put on 25 lbs. And I lost it all within 4 months of having Logan. And I was damn proud of myself.
And in one holiday season, in just a few short months, I let myself down. I failed myself and put it all of that weight back on. And it was so easy to do. I stopped working out. I ate whatever I wanted. I just flat out gave up all of my hard work and allowed myself to go back to hating my reflection. Now my reflection mocks me. It says you know how but you still can't.
I'm a smart woman. I know there were contributing factors outside of my control. I know that I'm being hard on myself. Well I think it's time to be hard on myself. I'm not going to list my goals here. I have large, lofty goals. I'm going to start taking baby steps. Tiny stairs that will place me back on that pedestal of self worth. Gym time. That is the first step... and I took it today.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
More organizing... the small stuff
Cabinets, pantry. Seriously the small stuff. I've posted pictures below... I know it isn't really all that interesting. But I've been stuck in the house for 4 days so I'm going a little stir crazy!
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Baby Food Cupboard...
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Baby Food Cupboard...
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Spice Cabinet...
The BEFORE and AFTER of the Pantry...
I've used these really cool handled baskets from The Container Store. I saw them on one of Oprah's re-do shows. They are very neat and make taking things in and out of the cabinets very easy. Especially for the baby food that comes in the pouches and not jars. And for baking supplies. Don't worry I have more to come... The office is very close to being finished!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
ICE is NICE
I am a winter girl! I really am. I love the cold and the snow and especially the winter clothes. I prefer sweaters and layers and scarves and cute hats and boots. Well... let's be honest I do not discriminate when it comes to footwear. I love all pretty shoes. You do notice the pretty, that is important. Ugly shoes are not my friends. I hate to be hot and I hate to sweat. My hair looks better in the winter (this is because I'm not sweating) and so does my skin (no oil to ruin good make-up days). Yes, I have to double up on the moisturizer but I can handle that. I get it. The above is a little superficial and vain. We've discussed this previously, I'm vain. I'm okay with that.
But there are other things I like. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines... just a few of my faves. I love to bake and snuggle on the couch or take a hot bath. All things that I prefer to do when it is cold outside. I'm a huge fan of hot cocoa and of soup! Again, preferable in the cold winter months. And snow days! Yes, I do love them. I love having my hubby home (though that does not happen often) and for the most part I like being trapped in the house with my kiddos. Mostly... anyway.
However we are now nearing 72 hours of being inside this house with my two little men. I know I could go out. I'm a very steady driver and I could definitely handle it. But below 20 degrees is a little too cold to take little people outside if it isn't necessary. Also we'd just be moving from the inside of our house to the inside of the mall or Target or (and if the day care was open) the gym. The gym I would actually venture forth to but alas, the Fun Club is closed. And at least our stale, trapped in the house air is only contaminated with our germs. The mall air or Target air, well, you get the picture.
So I've been cleaning and organizing. Cupboards, the pantry, the office, and cabinet I see that could use an improvement. Closets. Oh the closets. I'm desperately trying to be productive. I even got dressed yesterday. Make-up and hair an all, even though it was really pointless. I'm rambling I realize but I'm circling back to my point, I promise. I'm sorting the junk and the toys and scouring the internet for storage solutions and a new dresser for Carson's room and new craft ideas for me.
So... what is the point, right? Well, I still love winter. I really do! I like being cold but I like being 45 degree cold. I'm high maintenance. Really I am. I know, hard to believe! I'm picky about my cold and I'm picky about my snow, could it be fluffy, throwing snow ball snow? I'd prefer that to sticky, wet, eat away at your flesh snow. And I need the 1" think sheet of ice covering everything outside to melt and go away. AND... I need to get out of my house! Oh dear Lord in heaven above, I need to get out of my house!
But there are other things I like. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines... just a few of my faves. I love to bake and snuggle on the couch or take a hot bath. All things that I prefer to do when it is cold outside. I'm a huge fan of hot cocoa and of soup! Again, preferable in the cold winter months. And snow days! Yes, I do love them. I love having my hubby home (though that does not happen often) and for the most part I like being trapped in the house with my kiddos. Mostly... anyway.
However we are now nearing 72 hours of being inside this house with my two little men. I know I could go out. I'm a very steady driver and I could definitely handle it. But below 20 degrees is a little too cold to take little people outside if it isn't necessary. Also we'd just be moving from the inside of our house to the inside of the mall or Target or (and if the day care was open) the gym. The gym I would actually venture forth to but alas, the Fun Club is closed. And at least our stale, trapped in the house air is only contaminated with our germs. The mall air or Target air, well, you get the picture.
So I've been cleaning and organizing. Cupboards, the pantry, the office, and cabinet I see that could use an improvement. Closets. Oh the closets. I'm desperately trying to be productive. I even got dressed yesterday. Make-up and hair an all, even though it was really pointless. I'm rambling I realize but I'm circling back to my point, I promise. I'm sorting the junk and the toys and scouring the internet for storage solutions and a new dresser for Carson's room and new craft ideas for me.
So... what is the point, right? Well, I still love winter. I really do! I like being cold but I like being 45 degree cold. I'm high maintenance. Really I am. I know, hard to believe! I'm picky about my cold and I'm picky about my snow, could it be fluffy, throwing snow ball snow? I'd prefer that to sticky, wet, eat away at your flesh snow. And I need the 1" think sheet of ice covering everything outside to melt and go away. AND... I need to get out of my house! Oh dear Lord in heaven above, I need to get out of my house!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
And we've begun...
Last weekend, we started the cleaning and organizing monster. He's an ugly monster and he is currently living perched on my shoulder as a constant reminder that I'm not working fast enough. I just want it all done! The cleaning (base boards, fans, corners of walls) went smoothly. And at the same time took much longer than I had anticipated. My wonderful hubby did the bulk of the office gutting for me. And it all currently resides in my formal living and dining room. Which, though it is annoying, really allowed us to take a good look at the office and decide what needed to happen.
We decided to go vertical and are now Container Store ELFA converts. It is kind of amazing. Mount one bracket to the wall, making sure to hit at least one stud and then everything slides on and hangs from it. Needless to say, we are officially on our way to getting the clutter under control. I'm posting before pictures now. It's going to take a couple of days to really finish. We own too much stuff! I'm really trying to get serious with myself about what is necessary and what isn't... but let's face it! I'm an actress and a crafter and a stay-at-home mommy! I'm a trifecta of hoarding personalities! What if I need it later?!?!?!?!?! Like I said, I'm working on it.
Those two pictures, directly above this sentence? That's all the crap... well sort of. The bulk of the scrapbook stuff is still in the room. But its getting ready to come out as well. I normally love doing stuff like this. Right now? Well, right now I hate it!
We decided to go vertical and are now Container Store ELFA converts. It is kind of amazing. Mount one bracket to the wall, making sure to hit at least one stud and then everything slides on and hangs from it. Needless to say, we are officially on our way to getting the clutter under control. I'm posting before pictures now. It's going to take a couple of days to really finish. We own too much stuff! I'm really trying to get serious with myself about what is necessary and what isn't... but let's face it! I'm an actress and a crafter and a stay-at-home mommy! I'm a trifecta of hoarding personalities! What if I need it later?!?!?!?!?! Like I said, I'm working on it.
Those two pictures, directly above this sentence? That's all the crap... well sort of. The bulk of the scrapbook stuff is still in the room. But its getting ready to come out as well. I normally love doing stuff like this. Right now? Well, right now I hate it!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
THE LIST
Where to begin...
Let's start with the office:
Organization is very much needed in this space. And I think I'll do before and after pictures (possibly during photos as well) so that I can see the improvements. It needs to be gutted and rearranged and sorted through and a few things need to be purchased for more storage/ better storage.
- filing cabinet: at least two drawers and small enough to go under one end of the desk
- smaller (8 cubby) shelf that matches existing shelf (Ikea)
- orange boxes for the above (8)
- 8 foot folding table for work space (currently I have 2, 3 1/2 foot tables)
I need a filing system for both businesses, bill paying, and orders that are waiting to be produced. Also need some sort of mail center that can hang on the wall. I'm a fan of going vertical!
The scrapbooking "stuff" needs to be gutted. I'm pretty sure I haven't looked at a bulk of it in two years. Ribbon needs to be sorted, as do embellishments. And pictures have got to be purged. Let's face it if it is two years old and you've already scrapped that specific outing or adventure and there are left over pictures... just throw them away! But alas I hang on to them as if some magical project will come along and I will need that specific picture.
Moving on to the closets and cabinets:
I'm closeter. What is a closeter you ask? Well its person who shoves stuff in closets and cabinets and hopes they stay closed. The house looks clean so therefore it is. The only problem with this is every time I open a cabinet or closet, I want to crawl out of my skin. Specifically, the linen closet in the hall, the boy's closets and the coat closet. My closet isn't too bad actually. The boys closets are mutli-purpose currently as their clothes are so small. Carson's stores my American Girl Doll Samantha and all of her accessories. She can't go in the attic, because she'll melt or warp and what if I need her again someday?!?!?!? Also random holiday decorations that aren't safe for the attic. Logan's has some of my clothes that I never wear or even look at or even remember for that matter and costumes. And the dreaded plastic drawer storage of stuff I've had since college. I'm not even sure what is in that thing!
And then we have the kitchen cabinet on the island. It has become my shove it in and forget about it. I know this because the plates I used for the 2009 Christmas party are in it, taunting me. As well as a few kitchen gadgets I've not touched since we moved into the house, which of course means, I don't need them.
And oh lordy, the bathroom cabinets are a frightening mess!
Under the beds will be last. And whatever is under mine is surely not safe to touch. Whatever is under Carson's, well it isn't quite as old so maybe it will be alright.
When all of the above is done it it will be time to get serious about a few of the following things:
1. Finding a church
2. Budget
3. Gym time
4. A day for bill paying
5. A cleaning schedule
6. Filing system
7. Coupons
8. Finding summer programs for Carson
I am a pro at the list making, am I not? The Christmas is down and it is more than time to start on everything. Stay tuned for photos... I know you are at the edge of your seats!
Let's start with the office:
Organization is very much needed in this space. And I think I'll do before and after pictures (possibly during photos as well) so that I can see the improvements. It needs to be gutted and rearranged and sorted through and a few things need to be purchased for more storage/ better storage.
- filing cabinet: at least two drawers and small enough to go under one end of the desk
- smaller (8 cubby) shelf that matches existing shelf (Ikea)
- orange boxes for the above (8)
- 8 foot folding table for work space (currently I have 2, 3 1/2 foot tables)
I need a filing system for both businesses, bill paying, and orders that are waiting to be produced. Also need some sort of mail center that can hang on the wall. I'm a fan of going vertical!
The scrapbooking "stuff" needs to be gutted. I'm pretty sure I haven't looked at a bulk of it in two years. Ribbon needs to be sorted, as do embellishments. And pictures have got to be purged. Let's face it if it is two years old and you've already scrapped that specific outing or adventure and there are left over pictures... just throw them away! But alas I hang on to them as if some magical project will come along and I will need that specific picture.
Moving on to the closets and cabinets:
I'm closeter. What is a closeter you ask? Well its person who shoves stuff in closets and cabinets and hopes they stay closed. The house looks clean so therefore it is. The only problem with this is every time I open a cabinet or closet, I want to crawl out of my skin. Specifically, the linen closet in the hall, the boy's closets and the coat closet. My closet isn't too bad actually. The boys closets are mutli-purpose currently as their clothes are so small. Carson's stores my American Girl Doll Samantha and all of her accessories. She can't go in the attic, because she'll melt or warp and what if I need her again someday?!?!?!? Also random holiday decorations that aren't safe for the attic. Logan's has some of my clothes that I never wear or even look at or even remember for that matter and costumes. And the dreaded plastic drawer storage of stuff I've had since college. I'm not even sure what is in that thing!
And then we have the kitchen cabinet on the island. It has become my shove it in and forget about it. I know this because the plates I used for the 2009 Christmas party are in it, taunting me. As well as a few kitchen gadgets I've not touched since we moved into the house, which of course means, I don't need them.
And oh lordy, the bathroom cabinets are a frightening mess!
Under the beds will be last. And whatever is under mine is surely not safe to touch. Whatever is under Carson's, well it isn't quite as old so maybe it will be alright.
When all of the above is done it it will be time to get serious about a few of the following things:
1. Finding a church
2. Budget
3. Gym time
4. A day for bill paying
5. A cleaning schedule
6. Filing system
7. Coupons
8. Finding summer programs for Carson
I am a pro at the list making, am I not? The Christmas is down and it is more than time to start on everything. Stay tuned for photos... I know you are at the edge of your seats!
Where/ Why/ Who
Questions. Simple questions. Very difficult answers depending on the application of the small word. It's not "Where are my keys?" or "Where are we going?"... it's "Where do I want to be a year, 5 years, 10 years from now?". And if it was a geographical question it would be simpler, I'm sure. But it isn't geographical at all.
Why? Well, because I'm not completely happy or satisfied. Don't misunderstand, please. I'm happy. I just feel as if there are some things missing. And its time to get serious about creating a life that completely satisfies me. There was a news program on TV this morning about women who are turning 50 this year and are reclaiming their lives. I don't want to wait until I'm 50 to start discovering WHO I'm meant to be.
And on we go to Who. Who am I? What makes me happy? What do I enjoy? What will make my life easier? What needs to change in order to live my best life possible? And so I am now embarking on the list. Oh, the list. Don't consider it a bucket list, because it isn't... maybe I'll do that later on in the year. This list will be about me. Things I need to do, to accomplish, to try, so that I can live my very best life. I know there are books on the subject. I might even grab a few and read them, a trip to the bookstore sounds great actually! Some of these things are simple. Clean out the closets, get rid of the clutter, learn to put things away after I use them, stop stacking things on top of each other and creating piles of junk everywhere.
Oh my goodness, the clutter! I hate clutter. Hate it and yet I continually allow it to dominate my spaces. This has to stop. It makes me nervous and antsy and angry. I need filing systems for paperwork for both businesses that consist of more than a folder stuffed to capacity. I NEED a filing system for Jason and I! We need a tougher living budget and the boys have too many toys. My craft room needs an overhaul as does my kitchen. And most of all, the first thing that must happen, THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS MUST COME DOWN!
Church has got to be a priority again. And since Jason and I are in the process of trying to find a new church home, I've got to do some research, ask some questions and get serious about it. We want something that feels small, so we can get to know people, but is large enough to provide multiple opportunities for involvement, and has a well developed music program. And it must be closer to home. Bent Tree is wonderful, we love it there but the distance makes weekly involvement almost impossible.
Three months ago I was spending five days a week at the gym. I felt so good about myself. I almost can't put it into words. I'm going to go with endorphins. I was happier, healthier, I looked better. And it needs to be a larger priority but as we all know, when we get busy, the first thing to go is the gym.
So these questions need answering and I'm going to work on those answers but first I'm going to make a list. I feel like if I take care of the small things in my life that are overwhelming me that the larger things will start to fall into place. That if the small things that take over my brain power are erased then I can focus more clearly on the tasks that will help me to become someone I smile at in the mirror. The ultimate goal: to be someone that God, my husband and my children can be proud of. Or maybe someone I can be proud of... I'll work on that one.
Why? Well, because I'm not completely happy or satisfied. Don't misunderstand, please. I'm happy. I just feel as if there are some things missing. And its time to get serious about creating a life that completely satisfies me. There was a news program on TV this morning about women who are turning 50 this year and are reclaiming their lives. I don't want to wait until I'm 50 to start discovering WHO I'm meant to be.
And on we go to Who. Who am I? What makes me happy? What do I enjoy? What will make my life easier? What needs to change in order to live my best life possible? And so I am now embarking on the list. Oh, the list. Don't consider it a bucket list, because it isn't... maybe I'll do that later on in the year. This list will be about me. Things I need to do, to accomplish, to try, so that I can live my very best life. I know there are books on the subject. I might even grab a few and read them, a trip to the bookstore sounds great actually! Some of these things are simple. Clean out the closets, get rid of the clutter, learn to put things away after I use them, stop stacking things on top of each other and creating piles of junk everywhere.
Oh my goodness, the clutter! I hate clutter. Hate it and yet I continually allow it to dominate my spaces. This has to stop. It makes me nervous and antsy and angry. I need filing systems for paperwork for both businesses that consist of more than a folder stuffed to capacity. I NEED a filing system for Jason and I! We need a tougher living budget and the boys have too many toys. My craft room needs an overhaul as does my kitchen. And most of all, the first thing that must happen, THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS MUST COME DOWN!
Church has got to be a priority again. And since Jason and I are in the process of trying to find a new church home, I've got to do some research, ask some questions and get serious about it. We want something that feels small, so we can get to know people, but is large enough to provide multiple opportunities for involvement, and has a well developed music program. And it must be closer to home. Bent Tree is wonderful, we love it there but the distance makes weekly involvement almost impossible.
Three months ago I was spending five days a week at the gym. I felt so good about myself. I almost can't put it into words. I'm going to go with endorphins. I was happier, healthier, I looked better. And it needs to be a larger priority but as we all know, when we get busy, the first thing to go is the gym.
So these questions need answering and I'm going to work on those answers but first I'm going to make a list. I feel like if I take care of the small things in my life that are overwhelming me that the larger things will start to fall into place. That if the small things that take over my brain power are erased then I can focus more clearly on the tasks that will help me to become someone I smile at in the mirror. The ultimate goal: to be someone that God, my husband and my children can be proud of. Or maybe someone I can be proud of... I'll work on that one.
Friday, January 14, 2011
This redefinition thing...
I love being on stage. I love it, I crave it.
Designing Women is one of my all time favorite shows and one episode has stuck with me probably my whole life. At one point Delta Burke's character, is feeling low, the episode is about her trying to find herself again. As we all know her personal weight struggles were often showcased on the show. But at the end of the episode she talks about a box. A box she thinks every woman should own. A beautiful but ordinary box that would sit on our dressers and when we needed it, we could open it. And from the ordinary box would come applause. Loud, room filling applause that reminded us that we are great. We are magnificent. We are beautiful and worthy and lovely and graceful and intelligent and feminine and strong. All the things that women want and need to know about themselves. And somehow applause, endless cheering and hand clapping can provide that.
And for me it can. I learned this at an early age. I love applause. The biggest rush I've ever felt in my life is taking a solo bow on a stage flooded with lights while an auditorium full of people stood and applauded... me. In my mind I can still close my eyes and take myself back to that moment. I felt. I truly felt. It's that welling of emotions inside you that strangles your throat and turns your stomach and washes your thoughts away and allows you to just feel. It's overwhelming and amazing and it's a feeling that cannot be replaced by anything else. At least not for me.
And it's considered vain by most people. To desire praise. To need affirmation in that most public way. And I'm okay with that. Tonight, the show that, I have to be completely honest, allowed me to find myself again, opens. Tonight, as long as everything flows the way it should. Those applause will once again be mine. And I will treasure them. I will open my heart and let them fill it and then I will hold them inside me for later.
I crave that stage and everything that goes with it. To lose myself in a character. To become someone else, if only for a short time, to escape into a world that is far less mundane than my own. It about suspension of disbelief. And perceptions and I love that on the stage, my reality is irrelevant. That someone's story is more important than my own. It's the drama queen in me. You get to play with heightened emotions and words. You get to dance around topics not discussed. You are allowed to push social strictures and politically correct lines and vulgar phrasing and just be. Just be. As people we are never allowed to just be. I think, and hope, that at some point in my life, I will be able to sit and just be. I imagine its a feeling of calm within oneself. I've come close in Pilates classes to reaching that place. That absoluteness of peace. And then my brain kicks in. The closest I ever come, is in the applause. When it surrounds me. When it washes over me. When the applause immerse me in absolute sound and shut my brain off. I can't think in the applause, I can only feel.
I really need to find one of those boxes.
Designing Women is one of my all time favorite shows and one episode has stuck with me probably my whole life. At one point Delta Burke's character, is feeling low, the episode is about her trying to find herself again. As we all know her personal weight struggles were often showcased on the show. But at the end of the episode she talks about a box. A box she thinks every woman should own. A beautiful but ordinary box that would sit on our dressers and when we needed it, we could open it. And from the ordinary box would come applause. Loud, room filling applause that reminded us that we are great. We are magnificent. We are beautiful and worthy and lovely and graceful and intelligent and feminine and strong. All the things that women want and need to know about themselves. And somehow applause, endless cheering and hand clapping can provide that.
And for me it can. I learned this at an early age. I love applause. The biggest rush I've ever felt in my life is taking a solo bow on a stage flooded with lights while an auditorium full of people stood and applauded... me. In my mind I can still close my eyes and take myself back to that moment. I felt. I truly felt. It's that welling of emotions inside you that strangles your throat and turns your stomach and washes your thoughts away and allows you to just feel. It's overwhelming and amazing and it's a feeling that cannot be replaced by anything else. At least not for me.
And it's considered vain by most people. To desire praise. To need affirmation in that most public way. And I'm okay with that. Tonight, the show that, I have to be completely honest, allowed me to find myself again, opens. Tonight, as long as everything flows the way it should. Those applause will once again be mine. And I will treasure them. I will open my heart and let them fill it and then I will hold them inside me for later.
I crave that stage and everything that goes with it. To lose myself in a character. To become someone else, if only for a short time, to escape into a world that is far less mundane than my own. It about suspension of disbelief. And perceptions and I love that on the stage, my reality is irrelevant. That someone's story is more important than my own. It's the drama queen in me. You get to play with heightened emotions and words. You get to dance around topics not discussed. You are allowed to push social strictures and politically correct lines and vulgar phrasing and just be. Just be. As people we are never allowed to just be. I think, and hope, that at some point in my life, I will be able to sit and just be. I imagine its a feeling of calm within oneself. I've come close in Pilates classes to reaching that place. That absoluteness of peace. And then my brain kicks in. The closest I ever come, is in the applause. When it surrounds me. When it washes over me. When the applause immerse me in absolute sound and shut my brain off. I can't think in the applause, I can only feel.
I really need to find one of those boxes.
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