We just don't know yet...

This is quite possibly the worst phrase in the English language. And if I spoke other languages, it would probably suck in those languages too.

My husband has a heart murmur. Carson has a heart murmur. And Logan has a heart murmur. But because Logan's was not discovered until his 2 month well child visit, we got to go to a pediatric cardiologist to have his checked out. And this was a lengthy process. We were told not to worry at this point. We went in and his heart was listened to and blood was drawn. He was labeled with an innocent murmur and we scheduled another appointment for pictures and video to be taken of his heart later.

We went in and this was done... the pictures and video, and then we scheduled another appointment to go over all of the results. Again, don't worry. So really I didn't. I'm a pretty positive person. I believe there is always a time for everything and I had not yet reached the time in which I was supposed to freak out. All the doctors seemed calm and they seemed to have order to this process. So their calm order kept me calm and collected.

Today we went for this follow up. Today I watched as my baby was once again hooked up to this machine that I know does not hurt him but I can't hold him so how can I possibly know that he's actually safe... because as we know in Mommy world, my baby is only safe in my arms. Then we went to another room and in comes the pediatric cardiologist. "I want to show you something Mrs. Green." Thump, thump, thump! That's my heart beating which suddenly seams very much louder and now my brain is working and that calm, collected order I was talking about, well it has flown the coop.

So as my baby lies in his diaper alone on the sterile looking, white table the cardiologist preps to do another ultrasound. (Surely by now we have all realized that I have a very, very active imagination and it sometimes is very detrimental to my mental stability.) "Logan has what we call a Rhabdomyoma." Thump, Thump, Thump. Basically this is a growth on the left ventrical wall of Logan's heart. It is not blocking the valve. And it may go away and we may never have to worry about it again. Or... it can stay there his whole life and he'll have to have it monitored his whole life. Or... it can grow or shift, block the valve and need to be removed. Really, as serious as it all sounds this is not the worst news in the world and really I should not be freaking out and really, really, this is not where it stopped.

Rhabdomyomas are also symptoms of a genetic disorder called Tuberous Sclerosis. Now having done my scary WebMD, Wikipedia and Mayo Clinic website research I also know it is commonly referred to as TSC. This is an ugly, ugly disease. So now we get to go see a geneticist. So now I get to wait until said geneticists office calls me, probably tomorrow. So now is the "We just don't know yet" phase of my week. The cardiologist was highly optomistic that TSC is not in our cards as Logan has not shown any other symptoms. He told me not to worry. He told me not to search the internet... which had he not said I probably would not have done. He told me that until we know more we should just be positive.

That little boy is my baby! I grew him in my body, I loved him before seeing him and in my mommy brain, that is highly over active, I worry that I did something wrong. In my mommy brain I go to all of the places we tell others we would never go: What if I have such a happy baby because God knows I only get him for so long? What if he has this TSC and he will now live with us for the rest of his life? What if because of this TSC I will forever be bound to my home because I'm now "that" woman with "that" child? Have I mentioned that Logan has not actually been diagnosed with TSC? Because he hasn't... Remember... "We just don't know yet..."

And I HATE NOT KNOWING YET!