Brain Vomit

Ready. Set. Vomit...

I moved to Denton in the Fall of 2002. I loved everything about the city. I still do, even though I don't live there anymore. There is a vibe to Denton. I miss it most of the time. But I'm realistic in knowing that we can't possibly live there because it is much too far for Jason to drive to work. But... just because my brain knows that does not mean that my heart does.

Oh my goodness if only you could see all of the typos in the above paragraph. But of course you can't and you won't because I will fix them before I post this.

See I'm trying this word flow thing. And my brain works on a much faster level than my hands on my keyboard but since I'm trying to empty my brain I'm going to go with that is just not important at the moment.

I auditioned for a play. A play I really like. For a role or a couple of roles, that I really like. And I didn't tell anyone I was auditioning, which meant that I was probably too emotionally involved because I'm an open book on most things unless I'm emotionally invested in which case I keep my mouth shut. Anyway, I auditioned for this show and here is why that is important:

I'm scared.

Really scared. That I don't actually know how to be on stage anymore. That I've forgotten how important acting is to me and dove so far into being a mommy that I've lost who I am some how. I used to define myself by being able to take on a character. To live that character and maybe the only character I know anymore is Mommy. And that scares the shit out of me because I like to think I'm so much more than that. Not that it would be a bad thing if all I ever did with my life from this point on is raise two well adjusted, smart and wonderful little boys but really, I want so much more.

Even as I type this tears are streaming down my face which probably means that I'm being more honest right now that I've been in a long time. I'm really good at hiding things. I wrap up my world in a pretty bow. A tastefully wrapped, seasonally correct and festive package and present it to the world and hope that everyone loves it. I am the epitome of the hostess extraordinaire. Except that every time I throw a party I think that someone hates it... all of it. That everything I've done is wrong and boring and ugly.

I'm probably the most self conscious person anyone will ever meet except for the fact that you'd never know it. Unless you're smart enough to look past everything I present. Which some people are but lets face it no one really ever wants to get more than surface involved.

And let's talk about that. Surface Involved. It's the involved where you know someone but you would not be able to actually define anything real about them because you've never asked, they've never volunteered and you know if they did you'd find a reason to go take something out of the oven.

And though I'm good with metaphor, isn't just a way for a writer to ignore the truth? Really? I come up with phrases that express my mind but don't actually say what the problem is.

So here's the problem: I'm waiting. I'm waiting for cast list which I'm pretty sure, damn near positive, won't have my name on it and I'm not really sure why it won't? Do I just not have it anymore? That thing that makes people want to see you on stage? Have I lost something profound? I made my grandfather cry once. I was playing Lynda Loman in Death of a Salesman in High School and he cried. Of course you didn't know my grandfather, for that matter, neither did I but he just wasn't the type of guy who cried. Especially not at a play. So it was something that stuck with me, even then. Maybe I have something.... But after the last couple of days maybe I don't.

Maybe I never did. Maybe people were humoring me. Maybe I'm just mediocre and got lucky with some parts. Because everything I've auditioned for since I started having children has turned me down. I out on a brave face, I pretend that it doesn't bother me. But talking with a friend last night I realized that it's okay that it bother me. I'm older and I'm busy and I have to be picky and choosy about what I audition for because it's a time commitment. I can't just audition for everything and hope to get lucky. I have to check the calendar and make sure everything is going to work and so I don't get to audition very often. So when I do, I really want it. I've read the play, I've researched the author. I can talk plot and character development and foreshadowing and suspense. I have a vested interest. I WANT it. And so the older I get the more it hurts when I don't get the part. And maybe that is just how its supposed to be. Maybe the fact that it didn't hurt before meant it didn't mean as much as it does now or maybe I'm just reaching a point where I've analyzed my thought process to the point of no return. I see all of the angles, the ins and outs and the different analytical prospects.

The point being is I hate to wait. And I want to vomit but instead I word vomited, right here, for everyone to read.


Welcome to my head.