I started this blog almost a year ago with the intent that it would be my go to place for all of life's Jellybeans. You know what they are. They're the little tidbits that fill up your brain and spill over. The thoughts, the creativity, the worries, the to-do lists, the pieces that fill you up and never seem to have anywhere to go when you lay your head down at night. I was tired of them. I'm still tired of them. So I'm back!
I let my vanity keep me away. I'm one of those people who appears confident. You've met me in someone before, I promise. I look like I've got it together. Like I know what I'm doing and nothing gets in my way. Well, that is a mask of who I truly am. What I am is someone who's brain overflows constantly. I think too much and those thoughts crowd me and I compartmentalize them until the compartments are brimming and I must empty them. So I'm here to empty my tank. To shed my vanity and lay myself bare to the world (whoosh, that was heavy).
I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be and so I left it empty. And that is sad, very sad. Because this is where the fullness should be, not inside my head but here, written out so I can see what I dwell on, instead of dwelling on it. This sounds very deep, doesn't it? Well it's not. Sometimes what I dwell on is an idea for a new craft or a recipe or an idea for a romance novel... that' right, sometimes I dream of writing trashy novels for all of us women. From now on I want this blog to be my bowl of Jellybeans.
So feel free to come here and read. Come and laugh at my children and their crazy antics. Come here and find recipes and craft ideas and learn about me, who I am and who I want to be. I'm not overly important in any special way, I won't reveal the secrets of youth, fertility and God. I'm just a woman. Not defined by being a wife or a mother or a believer in God but completed by those things. Reach your hand in the Jellybeans and pull one out. But be careful when you bite into it... it might not be the flavor you wanted...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Why...
It's raining Jellybeans!!! And I know this sounds wonderful. Why wouldn't it be? Sweet, delicious, a multitude of flavors, minimal fat and calories. Okay let's get real for just a second... it hurts! They are tiny little hail balls that leave bruises, get smooshed into every little thing and leave a sticky mess for you to clean up. And let's face it, I'm not talking about jellybeans. I'm talking about all of life's little problems. The laundry, the dishes, the toys, the errands, the bills, the yardwork... the stress!
Today I found myself at my wit's end. I'm 10 (almost 11) weeks into my second pregnancy. I have a two year old son who is... well, everything! He lights up my world in ways I never thought possible and he adds so much happiness to the everyday and mundane. My husband... well he's my soulmate. Simple as that. We knew almost instantly when we met the first week of college that this was it for us. We are your average young family right now. Things are tight but doable, stressful but we can handle it and like everyone else we lose it some days. I lost it today.
One too many bills, one too many things to do and one (or ten) too little hours in the day. It doesn't help that I'm a ball of 1st trimester emotions jut waiting to explode or that the nausea is sometimes unbearable or that my son is very "independent" these days. But by the time I got him up, fed, dressed and re-dressed (because I forgot it was picture day), lunch packed, blanket and binky found and car keys in my hand we were running 15 minutes late to MDO. Which is another thing altogether for another time... me and my lateness. You do notice all of that said nothing about me getting dressed or getting my hair fixed or getting any make-up on.
By the time I got there I was crying/ sobbing and a friend took him inside to his class for me. I talked on the phone with my Mom, who as a younger person I didn't have a great relationship with, but now can't imagine my life without. She helped calm me down and reminded me they are there to help. Reminded me that they love me. Reminded me that everyone goes through hard times. Reminded me this is life. I do have wonderful parents. We all have complaints about childhood but at the end of the day my parents are there... and that is parenting at it's finest!
Then the best thing in the world happened. And it may seem small but it changed the day for me. That friend asked me to breakfast. And here is what I learned: I have everything I could ever want in the people that surround me. I have a son who wakes up every morning saying, "Mommy!... Hello, Mommy!... Mommy, Hello!". And when I come into his room every morning he says, "Look, I have feet!", as if I did not know this. As if he just realized he has feet, even though he's two and is well aware of his feet. Someday he won't say this anymore so it seems vital to me now. A husband who basically loves everything about me and when he is able spoils me rotten. He's my best friend. A family who loves me, including two older sisters who I now have a fabulous relationship with. And friends.
They're important. Because they are the family you choose. Friends... the close ones... are not required to be there, by blood or anything else. They choose to love you, they choose to be there for you... and they flat out choose you. That friend didn't say anything of revelation, she didn't offer advice that would greatly alter my life, she just went to breakfast with me and talked and made me laugh. She just reminded my that everything is temporary and things change... and none of this happens on our schedule.
So for now... the Jellybeans are sweet. Right now the Jellybeans are the sugar high I need. Right now, the Jellybeans are bright and shiny and just what I needed! But I'll be careful and take it one breath at a time... because I know that tomorrow, it might rain Jellybeans.
Today I found myself at my wit's end. I'm 10 (almost 11) weeks into my second pregnancy. I have a two year old son who is... well, everything! He lights up my world in ways I never thought possible and he adds so much happiness to the everyday and mundane. My husband... well he's my soulmate. Simple as that. We knew almost instantly when we met the first week of college that this was it for us. We are your average young family right now. Things are tight but doable, stressful but we can handle it and like everyone else we lose it some days. I lost it today.
One too many bills, one too many things to do and one (or ten) too little hours in the day. It doesn't help that I'm a ball of 1st trimester emotions jut waiting to explode or that the nausea is sometimes unbearable or that my son is very "independent" these days. But by the time I got him up, fed, dressed and re-dressed (because I forgot it was picture day), lunch packed, blanket and binky found and car keys in my hand we were running 15 minutes late to MDO. Which is another thing altogether for another time... me and my lateness. You do notice all of that said nothing about me getting dressed or getting my hair fixed or getting any make-up on.
By the time I got there I was crying/ sobbing and a friend took him inside to his class for me. I talked on the phone with my Mom, who as a younger person I didn't have a great relationship with, but now can't imagine my life without. She helped calm me down and reminded me they are there to help. Reminded me that they love me. Reminded me that everyone goes through hard times. Reminded me this is life. I do have wonderful parents. We all have complaints about childhood but at the end of the day my parents are there... and that is parenting at it's finest!
Then the best thing in the world happened. And it may seem small but it changed the day for me. That friend asked me to breakfast. And here is what I learned: I have everything I could ever want in the people that surround me. I have a son who wakes up every morning saying, "Mommy!... Hello, Mommy!... Mommy, Hello!". And when I come into his room every morning he says, "Look, I have feet!", as if I did not know this. As if he just realized he has feet, even though he's two and is well aware of his feet. Someday he won't say this anymore so it seems vital to me now. A husband who basically loves everything about me and when he is able spoils me rotten. He's my best friend. A family who loves me, including two older sisters who I now have a fabulous relationship with. And friends.
They're important. Because they are the family you choose. Friends... the close ones... are not required to be there, by blood or anything else. They choose to love you, they choose to be there for you... and they flat out choose you. That friend didn't say anything of revelation, she didn't offer advice that would greatly alter my life, she just went to breakfast with me and talked and made me laugh. She just reminded my that everything is temporary and things change... and none of this happens on our schedule.
So for now... the Jellybeans are sweet. Right now the Jellybeans are the sugar high I need. Right now, the Jellybeans are bright and shiny and just what I needed! But I'll be careful and take it one breath at a time... because I know that tomorrow, it might rain Jellybeans.
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