Brain Vomit

Ready. Set. Vomit...

I moved to Denton in the Fall of 2002. I loved everything about the city. I still do, even though I don't live there anymore. There is a vibe to Denton. I miss it most of the time. But I'm realistic in knowing that we can't possibly live there because it is much too far for Jason to drive to work. But... just because my brain knows that does not mean that my heart does.

Oh my goodness if only you could see all of the typos in the above paragraph. But of course you can't and you won't because I will fix them before I post this.

See I'm trying this word flow thing. And my brain works on a much faster level than my hands on my keyboard but since I'm trying to empty my brain I'm going to go with that is just not important at the moment.

I auditioned for a play. A play I really like. For a role or a couple of roles, that I really like. And I didn't tell anyone I was auditioning, which meant that I was probably too emotionally involved because I'm an open book on most things unless I'm emotionally invested in which case I keep my mouth shut. Anyway, I auditioned for this show and here is why that is important:

I'm scared.

Really scared. That I don't actually know how to be on stage anymore. That I've forgotten how important acting is to me and dove so far into being a mommy that I've lost who I am some how. I used to define myself by being able to take on a character. To live that character and maybe the only character I know anymore is Mommy. And that scares the shit out of me because I like to think I'm so much more than that. Not that it would be a bad thing if all I ever did with my life from this point on is raise two well adjusted, smart and wonderful little boys but really, I want so much more.

Even as I type this tears are streaming down my face which probably means that I'm being more honest right now that I've been in a long time. I'm really good at hiding things. I wrap up my world in a pretty bow. A tastefully wrapped, seasonally correct and festive package and present it to the world and hope that everyone loves it. I am the epitome of the hostess extraordinaire. Except that every time I throw a party I think that someone hates it... all of it. That everything I've done is wrong and boring and ugly.

I'm probably the most self conscious person anyone will ever meet except for the fact that you'd never know it. Unless you're smart enough to look past everything I present. Which some people are but lets face it no one really ever wants to get more than surface involved.

And let's talk about that. Surface Involved. It's the involved where you know someone but you would not be able to actually define anything real about them because you've never asked, they've never volunteered and you know if they did you'd find a reason to go take something out of the oven.

And though I'm good with metaphor, isn't just a way for a writer to ignore the truth? Really? I come up with phrases that express my mind but don't actually say what the problem is.

So here's the problem: I'm waiting. I'm waiting for cast list which I'm pretty sure, damn near positive, won't have my name on it and I'm not really sure why it won't? Do I just not have it anymore? That thing that makes people want to see you on stage? Have I lost something profound? I made my grandfather cry once. I was playing Lynda Loman in Death of a Salesman in High School and he cried. Of course you didn't know my grandfather, for that matter, neither did I but he just wasn't the type of guy who cried. Especially not at a play. So it was something that stuck with me, even then. Maybe I have something.... But after the last couple of days maybe I don't.

Maybe I never did. Maybe people were humoring me. Maybe I'm just mediocre and got lucky with some parts. Because everything I've auditioned for since I started having children has turned me down. I out on a brave face, I pretend that it doesn't bother me. But talking with a friend last night I realized that it's okay that it bother me. I'm older and I'm busy and I have to be picky and choosy about what I audition for because it's a time commitment. I can't just audition for everything and hope to get lucky. I have to check the calendar and make sure everything is going to work and so I don't get to audition very often. So when I do, I really want it. I've read the play, I've researched the author. I can talk plot and character development and foreshadowing and suspense. I have a vested interest. I WANT it. And so the older I get the more it hurts when I don't get the part. And maybe that is just how its supposed to be. Maybe the fact that it didn't hurt before meant it didn't mean as much as it does now or maybe I'm just reaching a point where I've analyzed my thought process to the point of no return. I see all of the angles, the ins and outs and the different analytical prospects.

The point being is I hate to wait. And I want to vomit but instead I word vomited, right here, for everyone to read.


Welcome to my head.

I lack FOCUS... continued...

1. Get dressed. Including shower, make-up and hair.
2. Finish, photograph and upload letter order.
3. Organize and sort all wreath projects.
4. Finish Believe Album.
5. Make 15 holiday bows.

Seems simple right? It wasn't... and I knew that by 10am. When Logan was refusing to nap and Carson wouldn't let me do anything without him behind immediately by my side. I eventually got Logan down, pulled out some "projects" for Carson, which did distract him enough for me to take a shower by myself. So what did I accomplish today? How did the single tasking work for me?

I showered. I finished, photographed and uploaded the letter order. And I organized and sorted my wreath projects. I DID NOT put on make-up or fix my hair (although I still might fix my hair tonight because then I won't have to do it in the morning, which will save me some time), I did not finish the BELIEVE album, although I did get a few more steps out of the way. And I did not even start on the bows. Unless you consider picking out all the different ribbons and accents a start.

The thing with this single tasking is you are supposed to dive into a project 100% and do it and it alone until you finish. Don't jump to anything else, don't put it aside and get up and go do something else. Just start and finish. Read this article for more info. This does not work in the world of Mommmy to babies and toddlers. Let me explain: Putting on my make-up and fixing my hair is something I like to do alone or just not do it. So I do this during nap time or before the boys are awake. Obviously some days I have no choice but to do it while Carson stares at me and constantly asks what "those" are and Logan coo's or fusses, depending on the day from his bouncer at my feet. But if we aren't going anywhere and I don't "have" to, then I just don't.

The letter order was pretty easy. It just needed some finishing touches and to dry completely but even that didn't work exactly right. Because after I took the photos Logan woke up from nap #2 and I had to feed him before I could upload the pics. I mean I didn't jump to another task after I fed him, I did upload the pics but still. Start to finish with one task without doing anything in between? UGH! The wreath projects were done during, the blisfullness that is double nap time (meaning they both slept at the same time), so one thing was started and finished and done quite well. It also didn't take very long because I wasn't thinking about anything else.

Now the last two. I started on the BELIEVE album and was distracted by Logan... he wanted to be played with and when I came back I wasn't "feeling" it anymore, so I started picking ribbon for the bows and then it was time to prep dinner and feed Logan and so on and so forth and now it's evening and I'm ready to have a glass of wine and decompress.

So, I'll try again tomorrow because I really think that this one thing at a time concept is something I need to try but today... not so much.

I lack Focus...

If you know me, you know this is true. I lack focus! I do a million things at one time. I feel like I have to. I've got 5 or 6 sewing projects going at one time, 2 or 3 craft projects going, 2 or 3 painting projects going + laundry, organizing, bill paying, cleaning, changing the sheets and towels, running errands, grocery shopping... well you get the idea. But today, thanks to Susie Moore, I found this article and thanks to the above I found this article.

FOCUS... who has the time to focus? I'm busy. I'm a stay at home mom who is trying to run a business (soon to be two businesses) and still find time for a shower and make-up and get food on the table 3 times per day. I'm the type of person who doesn't feel she's accomplishing anything unless she's accomplishing a lot, so I take on a lot. I'm not going to lie, I like it that way. I like to be busy. It's all I've ever known. I used to joke, but there was some serious truth to it, that I saw my parents more the year after I went to college (6 hours away) then I did my Junior and Senior years of HS. You laugh but like I said... TRUTH! I played golf, was a Varsity basketball manager, on the yearbook staff, was in charge of sports photography, took dance lessons, student council, church youth council, 4-H leadership council, multiple 4-H activities, One-Act play, multiple UIL events, Health Occupations Students of America, volunteered at the county museum and if someone asked... chances are I helped. I am conditioned to be a busy person.

Now recently there has been a lot of articles and news programs about how much our children do, when is it too much and so on and so forth but... I was of the first generation. The first generation of the multi-tasking youth who pushed hard, worked hard and never slept. When I got to college I rebelled! I didn't go to football games, I didn't join organizations, I didn't participate. I did one show my freshman year and when I wasn't cast in anything my second semester, I didn't dive into any other projects, I just took a step back and took a deep breath. As college progressed I dove back in. And then one day I looked up and I was once again doing it all.

So I am conditioned to be this way. It's who I am... it is ingrained into my being. And it's time to change that.

It's going to be a long process. Even as I type this blog I've jumped from article to article and checked my email and changed a diaper and refilled my coffee. Some things can't be avoided (diapers...yuck!) but some things can. So it's 8:40 am and I'm going to try this single tasking thing today. I've got a list of 5 things to accomplish today, beyond the normal "take care of my children" tasks, and I'll weigh in tonight. Here goes...

Update on my baby!

Logan is just fine! At this point he has not been diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis. I say at this time because well, there is no test that will ever be able to give us a definitive yes or no answer. He shows no other symptoms other than the Rhabdomyoma on his heart and is growing and progressing as every other normal infant. We will monitor him from this point on every 6 months or until it is determined that we simply do not have anything to worry about.

So: Cardiologist every 6 months, Geneticist every 6 months, Pediatrician... the normal 1st year schedule. We will be seeing a lot of doctors.

He such a happy baby and normally sleeps wonderfully. He's teething a little sooner than I would have liked but as they say, every baby is different. He's taken to rice cereal like a champ and I can already tell food is going to go over splendidly. Carson keeps Logan entertained and Logan keeps Carson entertained... they both just keep me very, very busy!

Carson's Birthday

My baby turned 3!!!!!!!!!! AGH! Where have the last three years gone? I swore to myself that I'd never be that woman who said, "The time just goes so fast", but really? It does! It goes so fast and you look up and your baby is 3 years old!

And so lets be realistic, he's not a baby anymore, he's a little boy, with quite a bit of spunk lately I might add, and he has changed so much. He talks all the time, if he thinks it he does it, and he knows there are boundaries but his current mission in life is to push them until Mommy thinks she might pull out her hair. :) But he still remians the sweetest thing. He constantly tells me he loves me and he's so helpful at this age. He loves his little brother and loves to talk and sing to him. And he's so polite! Sometimes I get tired of hearing please and thank you actually.

He's OBSESSED with Cars. So for his 3rd birthday we went all out with the Cars.




And for his present, Mommy and Daddy searched out the Radiator Springs set for his Geotrax! It has been a huge hit at our house. Of course it's gigantic and now takes up most of the space in his room but as long as he loves it I guess that is all that matters.



And this was the first year he actually got the concept of blowing out the candle and making a wish. and just like the wonderful little boy he is, he wouldn't tell Mommy his wish.


And finally the bounce house (Thank you Monica!) was enjoyed by all! I think it was a great party and I KNOW Carson was exhausted at the end. I guess it's time to start planning Logan's 1st birthday now... or maybe I'll wait until after Christmas. He is only 4 months old after all!

The Never Ending Battle...

It's been a while since I wrote anything and sent it out here into this unknown cyber world. So today I'll start with "the journey". If you've been reading, you know that I'm on the weight loss journey and right now it really feels like one. A journey. A long, hard, never ending, relentless journey that is a constant reminder that I am not moving as fast as I would like up these mountain trails. Not roads... not nice paved highways. Let's not mistake this journey. It's an animal track at best, up a mountain in the Swiss Alps. Most of the time the track is impossible to distinguish and just looks like dead grass...

Obviously I've hit a plateau. I'm tired of going to the gym. I'm tired of watching what I eat. I'm tired of constantly reminding myself that I'm trying to lose weight. I'm just tired.

And this is not the time to be tired people! Fall is around the corner and there are jeans to fit into! I will say, I am back in a couple of pairs but nothing looks quite the way I want it to look yet. Things are a little more snug than I'd like. And I DO NOT want to buy new clothes. I want to fit in what I own.

So the plan had been 5 days a week for 5 months and that went great fro the first two months. And now... well let's just say the last 6 weeks have been more like 3 days a week. I've tried, I really have but between nap schedules and pre-school and The Jellybean Giraffe and trying to keep my house at least a little organized, something had to give. And it was the workouts of course!

I am in need of motivation. Any advice followers? Do you have any advice?

Policies, Schmolicies!

I went to the gym today! Yeah me!!!!! It was raining, I'm in a lousy mood, and I just didn't want to go... but I did. And I got through upper body weights when the ever annoying intercom announced, "Amanda Green to the Fun Club. Amanda Green to the Fun Club."

So down I went praying for a dirty diaper because that's quicker to deal with than an upset Logan or, and it hasn't happened yet, a Carson who has broken a rule and now has to leave. (Oh and I'll get to that nonsense!) But a dirty diaper it was not. It was Logan, screaming because he was hungry, because he refused to eat before we went, because he refused to nap, so he was in a crappy mood and not cooperating with Mommy. So I, who came prepared (which I never am, so the preparedness was quite an accomplishment), took Logan to the locker room to feed him. And I had to sign him out. Of course! He is an infant and when someone removes an infant or child from the Fun Club they have to sign said infant or child out.

What I didn't know is that once signed out they cannot be signed back in! No one has ever told me this. No one has ever explained to me that a child can only be signed in and out once a day regardless of circumstances. No one has ever told me that even though you get two hours of child care per day, if you sign out your child after 45 minutes you are done... they cannot come back in. No one has ever explained to me that their policies are crap!!!

Oh I knew most of them sucked since when my children get dirty diapers I get paged, because the staff is not allowed to change diapers... yeah that is as stupid as it sounds. "We run a child care program but we don't change diapers." BLAH! I say BLAH to that! If a child cries for more than 10 minutes you are paged... now this one doesn't bother me as much because I don't really want my children getting that upset but... again, I don't get a phone call from preschool if Carson is having a tantrum do I? No! They deal with it. But this one? This one really pushed me over the edge today...

If I had known that by signing Logan out to feed him I would not have been allowed to bring him back I would have gone and gotten the bottle and fed him in the nursery. If I had known that by signing him out, he couldn't come back I just would have signed out BOTH of my children and gone home, and fed him at home, where it's more comfortable... and clean. And why? OH WHY? When I signed out my infant did someone not say... "Do you want to take Carson too?", because at least then I would have asked why? And then someone could have explained to me this ridiculous policy!

What if I want to take two 1 hour classes but they are at different times of the day? Too bad for me, I guess. What if I have an emergency and need to pull my kids out but I can come back later? Too bad for me!

Look, I love the people who work there, the place is really clean and well kept. And I've even found a couple of sitters. And I'm sure if you have potty trained 5 year olds than it's a great place. But for those of us who have small children, un-potty trained children, infants... it down right sucks. Most of the time I get through my workouts without and issue. Both kiddos are fine. But today when I needed... NEEDED... to work off some energy. To get on that treadmill and go... just GO! To sweat and move and release all of this tension. I get paged. And well, then I get screwed by policies. so tot hat I say, "Policies, Schmolicies!"