I don't get vacation days or sick days or personal days. I work through migraines, stomach bugs and fevers. I'm a maid, a housekeeper, a minor emergency nurse, a maintenance worker, a gardener, a chef (or special order cook depending on the day), a teacher, an interior decorator and an event/ party planner. I repeat myself constantly and on a daily basis am faced with the challenge of never enough time.
I grocery shop and menu plan. I budget and spend. I worry. I worry. I worry. And I care more than one person should.
I try my best to get a shower in everyday. I try my best to look presentable. I try my best to keep everything together.
I don't have a union rep but boy would I love one. Even though, let's be realistic, I can never actually go on strike. I don't get a paycheck or a tax break or aid from our government. Even though I'm solely responsible for two members of the future of our society and culture. There was no licensing exam for my job. No one checked to see if I was qualified. There was no interview process.
I've been entrusted with lives that are not my own and told repeatedly by society that it is important that I take time out for myself. Which I try to do. But that time to myself is usually spent wondering what is going on while I'm not there. My brain never shuts off, my lists are always getting longer and nothing is ever actually finished.
However...
I am supplied with never ending stories and laughter and smiles. Giggles and tickles and playful wrestling. I read and I play and I color and I bake and I eat and I'm brought to tears by the wonder that is the "first" time. The first smile, the first crawl, the first step, the first tooth. The first art project, the first big boy hair cut, the first hug... and most importantly, the first, "I love you too, Mommy."
I get bath-time and play-time and bed-time. I'm amazed at how much two little hands can change in two little years and how just by looking at those hands I knew my oldest wasn't a baby anymore. I change diapers and though lets face it, it's a job I could do without, I'm needed. My existence on this earth is priceless. I'm depended on. Two little men know that no matter where they go or what they do with their lives, their Mommy loves them. Or if they don't know it now, they will some day.
Because all those "things" that I do, I do for them. At no point in my life before children did I contemplate my life with children. And no point did I ever think I could gain so much joy and happiness from the word, Mommy, being spoken by a 1 year old. At no point did I think it was possible for my heart to literally fill and overflow by merely placing a baby in my arms. Before you have children you never wonder what it is like to hold a life you created and brought into this world. And it is impossible to put into words.
Motherhood is hard. It is often thankless. It is also more than often the best job you will ever take on. But make no mistake it is work. But anything in this life that is worth it is more times than not a lot of hard, thankless, work.
Showing posts with label Deep Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deep Thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, August 20, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Now is the Time
How do you feel about the Mosque being built 600 feet from Ground Zero? I have to be honest, this question has been playing through my mind for weeks now. My initial reaction was, "No, absolutely not!", and then something told me to reconsider my feelings on this. People that I respect, have looked up to, have admired most of my life have a very strong stance against this Mosque. And then there are others that I have the same type of relationship with who say it doesn't matter. So in effort to hash out my feelings and learn more about my personal leaning where this Mosque is concerned I've come here.
I wonder what, if I had the immense pleasure of sitting down with them, Ghandi or Mother Teresa or even (yes, I'll go there) Jesus would say. Would they tell me that as a Christian it is important to stand for my beliefs? (And yes I realize that Ghandi was not a Christian.) That as a Christian what the Muslim believers did that horrible day is a travesty and that my belief in God should allow me the strength and conviction to stand against them in this debate. Or would they tell me that, as a Christian, my job is to love? To forgive? That my job on this earth is to know that I am saved and that my place is secure and that my ability to love all, given to me by divine forgiveness, should be where I turn to in these difficult times?
This has always been my Christian dilemma. I feel many Christians use their faith as a hammer. Something to beat others down with in the name of eternal righteousness. And at the same time I know we are called to bring others to Christ. And if we don't speak and tell the truth as we see it, are we failing in spreading the name of Christ? But I also have this; we are told to love all. This has always stood out to me. Jesus loved all. He taught all. He healed all. He lived a loving, caring and forgiving life. And in a world of so much hate, so much "dieing in the name of...", and so much war, I feel love is my calling.
Now don't misunderstand me, I fail all the time. I can be horribly judgemental of people and it is something I work on daily. But now, in considering this Mosque, I have begun to really wonder about my calling as a Christian. What am I here to do?
I could skip over the big things in the world and say that I'm here to be a good mother, wife and woman. Here to love and here help bring my children to Christ. I could keep it personal and go on with my day to day life as if the world was not in a constant state of war and hate. But that is, unfortunately, selfish.
And then of course I have to take into consideration my very, very strong sense of patriotism to this country. We all know where we were on 9/11. We all know how we felt. I was angered, hurt, extremely emotional. We, as Americans, felt safe. Felt above an attack of that caliber. It happened elsewhere to other people but not to us, here on our sacred soil. We are a young country and I believe, to those of us who have strong convictions towards the USA, that we still see our country as a place that our ancestors fought for. A place that was given to us and with that gift comes a responsibility. A responsibility that we had all begun to take for granted. And when I combine my beliefs, I am told that as a Christian I am to follow the laws of my leaders.
I am what I will call a presidential supporter. I won't always agree, and the man in office may not have received my vote, but I support and respect the decisions made. I have the right to free speech and my opinion. I can support those that are more closely in line with my thinking and I can speak against what I see as detrimental to our country but the president and the office deserve my respect. That is a job that I never wish to hold and the people who run this country are people who have taken on a thankless service. But that is another topic for another day.
With all of the above said... I think that this Mosque is a step in the right direction. We claim as Americans that our country is built on diversity and just as Christians have extremists who use God's name as a weapon, as a tool to spread hatred and violence, so do Muslims. And those Muslim extremists took something from me that day. A sense of safety that my 17 year old self had always known and will never know again. And I will never be able to teach my children or raise them within that safety net I was raised in. I can never blindly wrap myself in that American cloak and walk as if my world can not be once more shattered.
But I can also not judge all Muslim believers on the few that make the headlines. Just as I hope and pray that one day not all Christians will not be judged by the ones who use our belief system as their tool to destroy and claim in Jesus' name. I think it is time to place the focus on love. On forgiveness. I in no way want to be misunderstood as saying it is time to forget about 9/11. It is not and will never be the time to forget. But what is supposed to separate me from those who attack with hatred and violence, is my ability to forgive and move forward. We should rebuild and remember. Pay homage to the lives lost and continue to fight for our freedoms and the freedoms of those less fortunate. We should always wake and know that our safety is a privilege and not a right and that men and women, and in some cases children, have lost their lives to ensure that our freedoms are in tact. I pray that the images of that day are never removed from my television. I want all to remember and know that 9/11 changed us, as a people, as a country.
I also want all to know that we can't use what was done to us that day as an excuse to attack and hurt all Muslims. We can't use 9/11 as a tool to spread blind hatred of a misunderstood community of people. Especially as Christians. Especially since at one time we were that same misunderstood community of people. At what point to we start to spread love? At what point do we put others before us and learn to again walk together in our diversity? At what point, do we as a country stop the spread of hate? I think it is time.
I wonder what, if I had the immense pleasure of sitting down with them, Ghandi or Mother Teresa or even (yes, I'll go there) Jesus would say. Would they tell me that as a Christian it is important to stand for my beliefs? (And yes I realize that Ghandi was not a Christian.) That as a Christian what the Muslim believers did that horrible day is a travesty and that my belief in God should allow me the strength and conviction to stand against them in this debate. Or would they tell me that, as a Christian, my job is to love? To forgive? That my job on this earth is to know that I am saved and that my place is secure and that my ability to love all, given to me by divine forgiveness, should be where I turn to in these difficult times?
This has always been my Christian dilemma. I feel many Christians use their faith as a hammer. Something to beat others down with in the name of eternal righteousness. And at the same time I know we are called to bring others to Christ. And if we don't speak and tell the truth as we see it, are we failing in spreading the name of Christ? But I also have this; we are told to love all. This has always stood out to me. Jesus loved all. He taught all. He healed all. He lived a loving, caring and forgiving life. And in a world of so much hate, so much "dieing in the name of...", and so much war, I feel love is my calling.
Now don't misunderstand me, I fail all the time. I can be horribly judgemental of people and it is something I work on daily. But now, in considering this Mosque, I have begun to really wonder about my calling as a Christian. What am I here to do?
I could skip over the big things in the world and say that I'm here to be a good mother, wife and woman. Here to love and here help bring my children to Christ. I could keep it personal and go on with my day to day life as if the world was not in a constant state of war and hate. But that is, unfortunately, selfish.
And then of course I have to take into consideration my very, very strong sense of patriotism to this country. We all know where we were on 9/11. We all know how we felt. I was angered, hurt, extremely emotional. We, as Americans, felt safe. Felt above an attack of that caliber. It happened elsewhere to other people but not to us, here on our sacred soil. We are a young country and I believe, to those of us who have strong convictions towards the USA, that we still see our country as a place that our ancestors fought for. A place that was given to us and with that gift comes a responsibility. A responsibility that we had all begun to take for granted. And when I combine my beliefs, I am told that as a Christian I am to follow the laws of my leaders.
I am what I will call a presidential supporter. I won't always agree, and the man in office may not have received my vote, but I support and respect the decisions made. I have the right to free speech and my opinion. I can support those that are more closely in line with my thinking and I can speak against what I see as detrimental to our country but the president and the office deserve my respect. That is a job that I never wish to hold and the people who run this country are people who have taken on a thankless service. But that is another topic for another day.
With all of the above said... I think that this Mosque is a step in the right direction. We claim as Americans that our country is built on diversity and just as Christians have extremists who use God's name as a weapon, as a tool to spread hatred and violence, so do Muslims. And those Muslim extremists took something from me that day. A sense of safety that my 17 year old self had always known and will never know again. And I will never be able to teach my children or raise them within that safety net I was raised in. I can never blindly wrap myself in that American cloak and walk as if my world can not be once more shattered.
But I can also not judge all Muslim believers on the few that make the headlines. Just as I hope and pray that one day not all Christians will not be judged by the ones who use our belief system as their tool to destroy and claim in Jesus' name. I think it is time to place the focus on love. On forgiveness. I in no way want to be misunderstood as saying it is time to forget about 9/11. It is not and will never be the time to forget. But what is supposed to separate me from those who attack with hatred and violence, is my ability to forgive and move forward. We should rebuild and remember. Pay homage to the lives lost and continue to fight for our freedoms and the freedoms of those less fortunate. We should always wake and know that our safety is a privilege and not a right and that men and women, and in some cases children, have lost their lives to ensure that our freedoms are in tact. I pray that the images of that day are never removed from my television. I want all to remember and know that 9/11 changed us, as a people, as a country.
I also want all to know that we can't use what was done to us that day as an excuse to attack and hurt all Muslims. We can't use 9/11 as a tool to spread blind hatred of a misunderstood community of people. Especially as Christians. Especially since at one time we were that same misunderstood community of people. At what point to we start to spread love? At what point do we put others before us and learn to again walk together in our diversity? At what point, do we as a country stop the spread of hate? I think it is time.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I'm BACK!!!
I started this blog almost a year ago with the intent that it would be my go to place for all of life's Jellybeans. You know what they are. They're the little tidbits that fill up your brain and spill over. The thoughts, the creativity, the worries, the to-do lists, the pieces that fill you up and never seem to have anywhere to go when you lay your head down at night. I was tired of them. I'm still tired of them. So I'm back!
I let my vanity keep me away. I'm one of those people who appears confident. You've met me in someone before, I promise. I look like I've got it together. Like I know what I'm doing and nothing gets in my way. Well, that is a mask of who I truly am. What I am is someone who's brain overflows constantly. I think too much and those thoughts crowd me and I compartmentalize them until the compartments are brimming and I must empty them. So I'm here to empty my tank. To shed my vanity and lay myself bare to the world (whoosh, that was heavy).
I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be and so I left it empty. And that is sad, very sad. Because this is where the fullness should be, not inside my head but here, written out so I can see what I dwell on, instead of dwelling on it. This sounds very deep, doesn't it? Well it's not. Sometimes what I dwell on is an idea for a new craft or a recipe or an idea for a romance novel... that' right, sometimes I dream of writing trashy novels for all of us women. From now on I want this blog to be my bowl of Jellybeans.
So feel free to come here and read. Come and laugh at my children and their crazy antics. Come here and find recipes and craft ideas and learn about me, who I am and who I want to be. I'm not overly important in any special way, I won't reveal the secrets of youth, fertility and God. I'm just a woman. Not defined by being a wife or a mother or a believer in God but completed by those things. Reach your hand in the Jellybeans and pull one out. But be careful when you bite into it... it might not be the flavor you wanted...
I let my vanity keep me away. I'm one of those people who appears confident. You've met me in someone before, I promise. I look like I've got it together. Like I know what I'm doing and nothing gets in my way. Well, that is a mask of who I truly am. What I am is someone who's brain overflows constantly. I think too much and those thoughts crowd me and I compartmentalize them until the compartments are brimming and I must empty them. So I'm here to empty my tank. To shed my vanity and lay myself bare to the world (whoosh, that was heavy).
I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be and so I left it empty. And that is sad, very sad. Because this is where the fullness should be, not inside my head but here, written out so I can see what I dwell on, instead of dwelling on it. This sounds very deep, doesn't it? Well it's not. Sometimes what I dwell on is an idea for a new craft or a recipe or an idea for a romance novel... that' right, sometimes I dream of writing trashy novels for all of us women. From now on I want this blog to be my bowl of Jellybeans.
So feel free to come here and read. Come and laugh at my children and their crazy antics. Come here and find recipes and craft ideas and learn about me, who I am and who I want to be. I'm not overly important in any special way, I won't reveal the secrets of youth, fertility and God. I'm just a woman. Not defined by being a wife or a mother or a believer in God but completed by those things. Reach your hand in the Jellybeans and pull one out. But be careful when you bite into it... it might not be the flavor you wanted...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Why...
It's raining Jellybeans!!! And I know this sounds wonderful. Why wouldn't it be? Sweet, delicious, a multitude of flavors, minimal fat and calories. Okay let's get real for just a second... it hurts! They are tiny little hail balls that leave bruises, get smooshed into every little thing and leave a sticky mess for you to clean up. And let's face it, I'm not talking about jellybeans. I'm talking about all of life's little problems. The laundry, the dishes, the toys, the errands, the bills, the yardwork... the stress!
Today I found myself at my wit's end. I'm 10 (almost 11) weeks into my second pregnancy. I have a two year old son who is... well, everything! He lights up my world in ways I never thought possible and he adds so much happiness to the everyday and mundane. My husband... well he's my soulmate. Simple as that. We knew almost instantly when we met the first week of college that this was it for us. We are your average young family right now. Things are tight but doable, stressful but we can handle it and like everyone else we lose it some days. I lost it today.
One too many bills, one too many things to do and one (or ten) too little hours in the day. It doesn't help that I'm a ball of 1st trimester emotions jut waiting to explode or that the nausea is sometimes unbearable or that my son is very "independent" these days. But by the time I got him up, fed, dressed and re-dressed (because I forgot it was picture day), lunch packed, blanket and binky found and car keys in my hand we were running 15 minutes late to MDO. Which is another thing altogether for another time... me and my lateness. You do notice all of that said nothing about me getting dressed or getting my hair fixed or getting any make-up on.
By the time I got there I was crying/ sobbing and a friend took him inside to his class for me. I talked on the phone with my Mom, who as a younger person I didn't have a great relationship with, but now can't imagine my life without. She helped calm me down and reminded me they are there to help. Reminded me that they love me. Reminded me that everyone goes through hard times. Reminded me this is life. I do have wonderful parents. We all have complaints about childhood but at the end of the day my parents are there... and that is parenting at it's finest!
Then the best thing in the world happened. And it may seem small but it changed the day for me. That friend asked me to breakfast. And here is what I learned: I have everything I could ever want in the people that surround me. I have a son who wakes up every morning saying, "Mommy!... Hello, Mommy!... Mommy, Hello!". And when I come into his room every morning he says, "Look, I have feet!", as if I did not know this. As if he just realized he has feet, even though he's two and is well aware of his feet. Someday he won't say this anymore so it seems vital to me now. A husband who basically loves everything about me and when he is able spoils me rotten. He's my best friend. A family who loves me, including two older sisters who I now have a fabulous relationship with. And friends.
They're important. Because they are the family you choose. Friends... the close ones... are not required to be there, by blood or anything else. They choose to love you, they choose to be there for you... and they flat out choose you. That friend didn't say anything of revelation, she didn't offer advice that would greatly alter my life, she just went to breakfast with me and talked and made me laugh. She just reminded my that everything is temporary and things change... and none of this happens on our schedule.
So for now... the Jellybeans are sweet. Right now the Jellybeans are the sugar high I need. Right now, the Jellybeans are bright and shiny and just what I needed! But I'll be careful and take it one breath at a time... because I know that tomorrow, it might rain Jellybeans.
Today I found myself at my wit's end. I'm 10 (almost 11) weeks into my second pregnancy. I have a two year old son who is... well, everything! He lights up my world in ways I never thought possible and he adds so much happiness to the everyday and mundane. My husband... well he's my soulmate. Simple as that. We knew almost instantly when we met the first week of college that this was it for us. We are your average young family right now. Things are tight but doable, stressful but we can handle it and like everyone else we lose it some days. I lost it today.
One too many bills, one too many things to do and one (or ten) too little hours in the day. It doesn't help that I'm a ball of 1st trimester emotions jut waiting to explode or that the nausea is sometimes unbearable or that my son is very "independent" these days. But by the time I got him up, fed, dressed and re-dressed (because I forgot it was picture day), lunch packed, blanket and binky found and car keys in my hand we were running 15 minutes late to MDO. Which is another thing altogether for another time... me and my lateness. You do notice all of that said nothing about me getting dressed or getting my hair fixed or getting any make-up on.
By the time I got there I was crying/ sobbing and a friend took him inside to his class for me. I talked on the phone with my Mom, who as a younger person I didn't have a great relationship with, but now can't imagine my life without. She helped calm me down and reminded me they are there to help. Reminded me that they love me. Reminded me that everyone goes through hard times. Reminded me this is life. I do have wonderful parents. We all have complaints about childhood but at the end of the day my parents are there... and that is parenting at it's finest!
Then the best thing in the world happened. And it may seem small but it changed the day for me. That friend asked me to breakfast. And here is what I learned: I have everything I could ever want in the people that surround me. I have a son who wakes up every morning saying, "Mommy!... Hello, Mommy!... Mommy, Hello!". And when I come into his room every morning he says, "Look, I have feet!", as if I did not know this. As if he just realized he has feet, even though he's two and is well aware of his feet. Someday he won't say this anymore so it seems vital to me now. A husband who basically loves everything about me and when he is able spoils me rotten. He's my best friend. A family who loves me, including two older sisters who I now have a fabulous relationship with. And friends.
They're important. Because they are the family you choose. Friends... the close ones... are not required to be there, by blood or anything else. They choose to love you, they choose to be there for you... and they flat out choose you. That friend didn't say anything of revelation, she didn't offer advice that would greatly alter my life, she just went to breakfast with me and talked and made me laugh. She just reminded my that everything is temporary and things change... and none of this happens on our schedule.
So for now... the Jellybeans are sweet. Right now the Jellybeans are the sugar high I need. Right now, the Jellybeans are bright and shiny and just what I needed! But I'll be careful and take it one breath at a time... because I know that tomorrow, it might rain Jellybeans.
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