Where to begin...
Let's start with the office:
Organization is very much needed in this space. And I think I'll do before and after pictures (possibly during photos as well) so that I can see the improvements. It needs to be gutted and rearranged and sorted through and a few things need to be purchased for more storage/ better storage.
- filing cabinet: at least two drawers and small enough to go under one end of the desk
- smaller (8 cubby) shelf that matches existing shelf (Ikea)
- orange boxes for the above (8)
- 8 foot folding table for work space (currently I have 2, 3 1/2 foot tables)
I need a filing system for both businesses, bill paying, and orders that are waiting to be produced. Also need some sort of mail center that can hang on the wall. I'm a fan of going vertical!
The scrapbooking "stuff" needs to be gutted. I'm pretty sure I haven't looked at a bulk of it in two years. Ribbon needs to be sorted, as do embellishments. And pictures have got to be purged. Let's face it if it is two years old and you've already scrapped that specific outing or adventure and there are left over pictures... just throw them away! But alas I hang on to them as if some magical project will come along and I will need that specific picture.
Moving on to the closets and cabinets:
I'm closeter. What is a closeter you ask? Well its person who shoves stuff in closets and cabinets and hopes they stay closed. The house looks clean so therefore it is. The only problem with this is every time I open a cabinet or closet, I want to crawl out of my skin. Specifically, the linen closet in the hall, the boy's closets and the coat closet. My closet isn't too bad actually. The boys closets are mutli-purpose currently as their clothes are so small. Carson's stores my American Girl Doll Samantha and all of her accessories. She can't go in the attic, because she'll melt or warp and what if I need her again someday?!?!?!? Also random holiday decorations that aren't safe for the attic. Logan's has some of my clothes that I never wear or even look at or even remember for that matter and costumes. And the dreaded plastic drawer storage of stuff I've had since college. I'm not even sure what is in that thing!
And then we have the kitchen cabinet on the island. It has become my shove it in and forget about it. I know this because the plates I used for the 2009 Christmas party are in it, taunting me. As well as a few kitchen gadgets I've not touched since we moved into the house, which of course means, I don't need them.
And oh lordy, the bathroom cabinets are a frightening mess!
Under the beds will be last. And whatever is under mine is surely not safe to touch. Whatever is under Carson's, well it isn't quite as old so maybe it will be alright.
When all of the above is done it it will be time to get serious about a few of the following things:
1. Finding a church
2. Budget
3. Gym time
4. A day for bill paying
5. A cleaning schedule
6. Filing system
7. Coupons
8. Finding summer programs for Carson
I am a pro at the list making, am I not? The Christmas is down and it is more than time to start on everything. Stay tuned for photos... I know you are at the edge of your seats!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Where/ Why/ Who
Questions. Simple questions. Very difficult answers depending on the application of the small word. It's not "Where are my keys?" or "Where are we going?"... it's "Where do I want to be a year, 5 years, 10 years from now?". And if it was a geographical question it would be simpler, I'm sure. But it isn't geographical at all.
Why? Well, because I'm not completely happy or satisfied. Don't misunderstand, please. I'm happy. I just feel as if there are some things missing. And its time to get serious about creating a life that completely satisfies me. There was a news program on TV this morning about women who are turning 50 this year and are reclaiming their lives. I don't want to wait until I'm 50 to start discovering WHO I'm meant to be.
And on we go to Who. Who am I? What makes me happy? What do I enjoy? What will make my life easier? What needs to change in order to live my best life possible? And so I am now embarking on the list. Oh, the list. Don't consider it a bucket list, because it isn't... maybe I'll do that later on in the year. This list will be about me. Things I need to do, to accomplish, to try, so that I can live my very best life. I know there are books on the subject. I might even grab a few and read them, a trip to the bookstore sounds great actually! Some of these things are simple. Clean out the closets, get rid of the clutter, learn to put things away after I use them, stop stacking things on top of each other and creating piles of junk everywhere.
Oh my goodness, the clutter! I hate clutter. Hate it and yet I continually allow it to dominate my spaces. This has to stop. It makes me nervous and antsy and angry. I need filing systems for paperwork for both businesses that consist of more than a folder stuffed to capacity. I NEED a filing system for Jason and I! We need a tougher living budget and the boys have too many toys. My craft room needs an overhaul as does my kitchen. And most of all, the first thing that must happen, THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS MUST COME DOWN!
Church has got to be a priority again. And since Jason and I are in the process of trying to find a new church home, I've got to do some research, ask some questions and get serious about it. We want something that feels small, so we can get to know people, but is large enough to provide multiple opportunities for involvement, and has a well developed music program. And it must be closer to home. Bent Tree is wonderful, we love it there but the distance makes weekly involvement almost impossible.
Three months ago I was spending five days a week at the gym. I felt so good about myself. I almost can't put it into words. I'm going to go with endorphins. I was happier, healthier, I looked better. And it needs to be a larger priority but as we all know, when we get busy, the first thing to go is the gym.
So these questions need answering and I'm going to work on those answers but first I'm going to make a list. I feel like if I take care of the small things in my life that are overwhelming me that the larger things will start to fall into place. That if the small things that take over my brain power are erased then I can focus more clearly on the tasks that will help me to become someone I smile at in the mirror. The ultimate goal: to be someone that God, my husband and my children can be proud of. Or maybe someone I can be proud of... I'll work on that one.
Why? Well, because I'm not completely happy or satisfied. Don't misunderstand, please. I'm happy. I just feel as if there are some things missing. And its time to get serious about creating a life that completely satisfies me. There was a news program on TV this morning about women who are turning 50 this year and are reclaiming their lives. I don't want to wait until I'm 50 to start discovering WHO I'm meant to be.
And on we go to Who. Who am I? What makes me happy? What do I enjoy? What will make my life easier? What needs to change in order to live my best life possible? And so I am now embarking on the list. Oh, the list. Don't consider it a bucket list, because it isn't... maybe I'll do that later on in the year. This list will be about me. Things I need to do, to accomplish, to try, so that I can live my very best life. I know there are books on the subject. I might even grab a few and read them, a trip to the bookstore sounds great actually! Some of these things are simple. Clean out the closets, get rid of the clutter, learn to put things away after I use them, stop stacking things on top of each other and creating piles of junk everywhere.
Oh my goodness, the clutter! I hate clutter. Hate it and yet I continually allow it to dominate my spaces. This has to stop. It makes me nervous and antsy and angry. I need filing systems for paperwork for both businesses that consist of more than a folder stuffed to capacity. I NEED a filing system for Jason and I! We need a tougher living budget and the boys have too many toys. My craft room needs an overhaul as does my kitchen. And most of all, the first thing that must happen, THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS MUST COME DOWN!
Church has got to be a priority again. And since Jason and I are in the process of trying to find a new church home, I've got to do some research, ask some questions and get serious about it. We want something that feels small, so we can get to know people, but is large enough to provide multiple opportunities for involvement, and has a well developed music program. And it must be closer to home. Bent Tree is wonderful, we love it there but the distance makes weekly involvement almost impossible.
Three months ago I was spending five days a week at the gym. I felt so good about myself. I almost can't put it into words. I'm going to go with endorphins. I was happier, healthier, I looked better. And it needs to be a larger priority but as we all know, when we get busy, the first thing to go is the gym.
So these questions need answering and I'm going to work on those answers but first I'm going to make a list. I feel like if I take care of the small things in my life that are overwhelming me that the larger things will start to fall into place. That if the small things that take over my brain power are erased then I can focus more clearly on the tasks that will help me to become someone I smile at in the mirror. The ultimate goal: to be someone that God, my husband and my children can be proud of. Or maybe someone I can be proud of... I'll work on that one.
Friday, January 14, 2011
This redefinition thing...
I love being on stage. I love it, I crave it.
Designing Women is one of my all time favorite shows and one episode has stuck with me probably my whole life. At one point Delta Burke's character, is feeling low, the episode is about her trying to find herself again. As we all know her personal weight struggles were often showcased on the show. But at the end of the episode she talks about a box. A box she thinks every woman should own. A beautiful but ordinary box that would sit on our dressers and when we needed it, we could open it. And from the ordinary box would come applause. Loud, room filling applause that reminded us that we are great. We are magnificent. We are beautiful and worthy and lovely and graceful and intelligent and feminine and strong. All the things that women want and need to know about themselves. And somehow applause, endless cheering and hand clapping can provide that.
And for me it can. I learned this at an early age. I love applause. The biggest rush I've ever felt in my life is taking a solo bow on a stage flooded with lights while an auditorium full of people stood and applauded... me. In my mind I can still close my eyes and take myself back to that moment. I felt. I truly felt. It's that welling of emotions inside you that strangles your throat and turns your stomach and washes your thoughts away and allows you to just feel. It's overwhelming and amazing and it's a feeling that cannot be replaced by anything else. At least not for me.
And it's considered vain by most people. To desire praise. To need affirmation in that most public way. And I'm okay with that. Tonight, the show that, I have to be completely honest, allowed me to find myself again, opens. Tonight, as long as everything flows the way it should. Those applause will once again be mine. And I will treasure them. I will open my heart and let them fill it and then I will hold them inside me for later.
I crave that stage and everything that goes with it. To lose myself in a character. To become someone else, if only for a short time, to escape into a world that is far less mundane than my own. It about suspension of disbelief. And perceptions and I love that on the stage, my reality is irrelevant. That someone's story is more important than my own. It's the drama queen in me. You get to play with heightened emotions and words. You get to dance around topics not discussed. You are allowed to push social strictures and politically correct lines and vulgar phrasing and just be. Just be. As people we are never allowed to just be. I think, and hope, that at some point in my life, I will be able to sit and just be. I imagine its a feeling of calm within oneself. I've come close in Pilates classes to reaching that place. That absoluteness of peace. And then my brain kicks in. The closest I ever come, is in the applause. When it surrounds me. When it washes over me. When the applause immerse me in absolute sound and shut my brain off. I can't think in the applause, I can only feel.
I really need to find one of those boxes.
Designing Women is one of my all time favorite shows and one episode has stuck with me probably my whole life. At one point Delta Burke's character, is feeling low, the episode is about her trying to find herself again. As we all know her personal weight struggles were often showcased on the show. But at the end of the episode she talks about a box. A box she thinks every woman should own. A beautiful but ordinary box that would sit on our dressers and when we needed it, we could open it. And from the ordinary box would come applause. Loud, room filling applause that reminded us that we are great. We are magnificent. We are beautiful and worthy and lovely and graceful and intelligent and feminine and strong. All the things that women want and need to know about themselves. And somehow applause, endless cheering and hand clapping can provide that.
And for me it can. I learned this at an early age. I love applause. The biggest rush I've ever felt in my life is taking a solo bow on a stage flooded with lights while an auditorium full of people stood and applauded... me. In my mind I can still close my eyes and take myself back to that moment. I felt. I truly felt. It's that welling of emotions inside you that strangles your throat and turns your stomach and washes your thoughts away and allows you to just feel. It's overwhelming and amazing and it's a feeling that cannot be replaced by anything else. At least not for me.
And it's considered vain by most people. To desire praise. To need affirmation in that most public way. And I'm okay with that. Tonight, the show that, I have to be completely honest, allowed me to find myself again, opens. Tonight, as long as everything flows the way it should. Those applause will once again be mine. And I will treasure them. I will open my heart and let them fill it and then I will hold them inside me for later.
I crave that stage and everything that goes with it. To lose myself in a character. To become someone else, if only for a short time, to escape into a world that is far less mundane than my own. It about suspension of disbelief. And perceptions and I love that on the stage, my reality is irrelevant. That someone's story is more important than my own. It's the drama queen in me. You get to play with heightened emotions and words. You get to dance around topics not discussed. You are allowed to push social strictures and politically correct lines and vulgar phrasing and just be. Just be. As people we are never allowed to just be. I think, and hope, that at some point in my life, I will be able to sit and just be. I imagine its a feeling of calm within oneself. I've come close in Pilates classes to reaching that place. That absoluteness of peace. And then my brain kicks in. The closest I ever come, is in the applause. When it surrounds me. When it washes over me. When the applause immerse me in absolute sound and shut my brain off. I can't think in the applause, I can only feel.
I really need to find one of those boxes.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Taking it All Back
Do you watch The Middle? Well, if you don't you should. Especially if you are a parent. Here's a link to The Middle's page on abc.com, however to watch the "Taking Back the House" episode you will have to google it.
Besides being hilarious the episode really got me thinking. Most parents do cater to their children's demands. Jason and I are definitely considered strict for today's parenting generation. But I was raised by older parents so I guess that is to be expected. It annoys me to no end when I see parents give in in public so that their embarrassment can be spared. Really the only people judging you in public are the people who don't have kids... and they need to package up that little piece of advice for when they understand! Parents don't judge other parents parenting techniques (within reason - don't flat out beat or berate you child), we know better. It's hard. That doesn't mean it isn't amazing (as this episode points out - watch it!) but it's hard.
So here are a few of my "overly strict" rules:
1. I'm not a short order cook. Eat what I put in front of you or don't eat. Those are your options... at least until your 8 or 9 and then you can get your happy little fanny up and make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. When I tell you to do something, do it. Not when you're ready, not tomorrow, now. This is not negotionable and no, it cannot wait until your show is over.
3. Make your bed. It's small, I understand but its the lesson here. Learn to do this, as it will help you be a cleaner, neater person later on.
4. Clean up your toys. I don't want them on my living room floor. I pay for that floor, I get t make the rules regarding it.
5. Wear what I provide for you. And at this time (the toddler years) wear what I put on your body. Your clothing is up to me and you will look presentable when you walk out of my front door or you won't walk out of it at all.
So, and I've had this debate with many, I am of the belief system that at this time my child has no choices of their own. I make them. They can pick what toys they play with... that is really about it. Their jobs are to: Eat, learn and sleep. And later it will be to eat, go to school, learn and sleep. As they get even older, we will throw some decision making into that but currently, I win. I get final say. End of discussion. I know this is kind of cold but here is the deal. Children (in my personal opinion) have way too much freedom now-a-days. Growing up no one allowed me to pick the dinner menu, no one allowed me to decide where I wanted to go on Saturday afternoon, no one dropped everything to entertain me, and I most definitely was not allowed to pick my own clothing until I was somewhere around 14 or 15. Clothing is a big thing with me lately... most teenagers look like idiots and the current boys fashions are the worst. Don't get me started on yellow skinny jeans and Chucks!
The thing is my Dad gave me this advice when I was pregnant the first time,"It's your home, your life. The baby is joining your family not the other way around." That's para-phrased poorly but it really stuck with me. The boys came into Jason and I's life. We enjoy watching movies so we still do. We just can't do it at 1pm in the afternoon on a Saturday anymore. We enjoy wandering bookstores so we still do, we just can't do it for 4 hours at a time anymore. Things change, things must be adjusted. But its my life, it's my home. And my children live within it, not the other way around.
Besides being hilarious the episode really got me thinking. Most parents do cater to their children's demands. Jason and I are definitely considered strict for today's parenting generation. But I was raised by older parents so I guess that is to be expected. It annoys me to no end when I see parents give in in public so that their embarrassment can be spared. Really the only people judging you in public are the people who don't have kids... and they need to package up that little piece of advice for when they understand! Parents don't judge other parents parenting techniques (within reason - don't flat out beat or berate you child), we know better. It's hard. That doesn't mean it isn't amazing (as this episode points out - watch it!) but it's hard.
So here are a few of my "overly strict" rules:
1. I'm not a short order cook. Eat what I put in front of you or don't eat. Those are your options... at least until your 8 or 9 and then you can get your happy little fanny up and make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. When I tell you to do something, do it. Not when you're ready, not tomorrow, now. This is not negotionable and no, it cannot wait until your show is over.
3. Make your bed. It's small, I understand but its the lesson here. Learn to do this, as it will help you be a cleaner, neater person later on.
4. Clean up your toys. I don't want them on my living room floor. I pay for that floor, I get t make the rules regarding it.
5. Wear what I provide for you. And at this time (the toddler years) wear what I put on your body. Your clothing is up to me and you will look presentable when you walk out of my front door or you won't walk out of it at all.
So, and I've had this debate with many, I am of the belief system that at this time my child has no choices of their own. I make them. They can pick what toys they play with... that is really about it. Their jobs are to: Eat, learn and sleep. And later it will be to eat, go to school, learn and sleep. As they get even older, we will throw some decision making into that but currently, I win. I get final say. End of discussion. I know this is kind of cold but here is the deal. Children (in my personal opinion) have way too much freedom now-a-days. Growing up no one allowed me to pick the dinner menu, no one allowed me to decide where I wanted to go on Saturday afternoon, no one dropped everything to entertain me, and I most definitely was not allowed to pick my own clothing until I was somewhere around 14 or 15. Clothing is a big thing with me lately... most teenagers look like idiots and the current boys fashions are the worst. Don't get me started on yellow skinny jeans and Chucks!
The thing is my Dad gave me this advice when I was pregnant the first time,"It's your home, your life. The baby is joining your family not the other way around." That's para-phrased poorly but it really stuck with me. The boys came into Jason and I's life. We enjoy watching movies so we still do. We just can't do it at 1pm in the afternoon on a Saturday anymore. We enjoy wandering bookstores so we still do, we just can't do it for 4 hours at a time anymore. Things change, things must be adjusted. But its my life, it's my home. And my children live within it, not the other way around.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The definition of me
I am a mommy. It is part of who I am. I can promise you that 10 years ago I never would have thought I'd be a stay-at-home mommy to two little boys. The idea simply would never have crossed my mind. 10 years ago I was in HS. 10 years ago I was a new driver with a new truck, I was concerned with myself and little else. I was an active and busy student whose entire world revolved around a social schedule. Where does time go?
I enjoy being a mommy. In fact I love it. But I have recognized and come to terms with the fact that this aspect does not define me. I need other things in my life to fulfill me. But today? Today I focus on Mommy.
This is the most important job I will ever do and I don't get to start over when I screw it up... and believe me I screw it up. Daily. There are just so many choices to make when it comes to your kids and you can't ever get it all right. Which drives me batty! I want to get it right, damnit! With Carson I tried to do it all... and most days succeeded. I breast fed for as long as my body allowed and then had to come to terms with the fact that my body just stopped one day. I made organic, all natural, preservative free baby food. We played, we did flash cards, I focused almost all of my attention on him all of the time. And then when 1 year rolled around I was exhausted! So I found a MDO program and rolled my guilt into a corner of my closet and started focusing on other things for a change.
With Logan, things have gone a bit differently. I did breast feed but I had to pump. And so that did not last very long because pumping every 3-4 hours while dealing with an infant and a 2-3 year old and trying to keep a clean home and trying to cook meals... well there just aren't that many hours in the day. I have not made baby food. I mean a couple of things but, let's face it, that free time that abounded when Carson was a baby? Well that is nowhere to be seen. So jars it is! And another ball of guilt rolls into that closet. We go to the gym and the boys go to child care. Another ball of guilt. I run an at home business so Logan gets a lot of alone playtime on the floor in the office. Another ball of guilt. Every time I take time out for myself... another ball of guilt.
But here is what I've learned: nothing stops the balls of guilt from rolling on out of you. It's what you do with them later on that counts. Mommy guilt is something that just comes with the territory. There is little to be done with it other than recognizing that you are doing your best. I second guess every decision I make! I strive to do my best with my boys. To teach them and play with them. To love them, to make sure they know they are loved. To make sure that they know discipline is a form of that love and that they could never do anything that would make that love stop. It is unconditional and theirs for the entirety of their lives. So you put those balls somewhere else and you close up the entrance because they are unimportant.
So this mommy thing, it is part of me. I live with it... I live in it. It is a constant and changing force that drives me to do better everyday. It's also the best and funnest thing that has ever happened to me. Children bring a joy into your life that is almost impossible to describe. It's the truest of loves, a warmth that comes from the center of you and lights the ways for your children. I will probably screw them up in ways that I can't even grasp at the moment and that's okay... I'm putting money aside for therapy later on.
I enjoy being a mommy. In fact I love it. But I have recognized and come to terms with the fact that this aspect does not define me. I need other things in my life to fulfill me. But today? Today I focus on Mommy.
This is the most important job I will ever do and I don't get to start over when I screw it up... and believe me I screw it up. Daily. There are just so many choices to make when it comes to your kids and you can't ever get it all right. Which drives me batty! I want to get it right, damnit! With Carson I tried to do it all... and most days succeeded. I breast fed for as long as my body allowed and then had to come to terms with the fact that my body just stopped one day. I made organic, all natural, preservative free baby food. We played, we did flash cards, I focused almost all of my attention on him all of the time. And then when 1 year rolled around I was exhausted! So I found a MDO program and rolled my guilt into a corner of my closet and started focusing on other things for a change.
With Logan, things have gone a bit differently. I did breast feed but I had to pump. And so that did not last very long because pumping every 3-4 hours while dealing with an infant and a 2-3 year old and trying to keep a clean home and trying to cook meals... well there just aren't that many hours in the day. I have not made baby food. I mean a couple of things but, let's face it, that free time that abounded when Carson was a baby? Well that is nowhere to be seen. So jars it is! And another ball of guilt rolls into that closet. We go to the gym and the boys go to child care. Another ball of guilt. I run an at home business so Logan gets a lot of alone playtime on the floor in the office. Another ball of guilt. Every time I take time out for myself... another ball of guilt.
But here is what I've learned: nothing stops the balls of guilt from rolling on out of you. It's what you do with them later on that counts. Mommy guilt is something that just comes with the territory. There is little to be done with it other than recognizing that you are doing your best. I second guess every decision I make! I strive to do my best with my boys. To teach them and play with them. To love them, to make sure they know they are loved. To make sure that they know discipline is a form of that love and that they could never do anything that would make that love stop. It is unconditional and theirs for the entirety of their lives. So you put those balls somewhere else and you close up the entrance because they are unimportant.
So this mommy thing, it is part of me. I live with it... I live in it. It is a constant and changing force that drives me to do better everyday. It's also the best and funnest thing that has ever happened to me. Children bring a joy into your life that is almost impossible to describe. It's the truest of loves, a warmth that comes from the center of you and lights the ways for your children. I will probably screw them up in ways that I can't even grasp at the moment and that's okay... I'm putting money aside for therapy later on.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Redfinition
So this will be my new blog focus for a few weeks. Redefining myself. Or really, coming to terms with the definitions as they are already in place.
So I was in Ozona recently doing jewelry shows for my mom and a friend from school. I made the comment that I think I've changed a lot since my HS days and my friend disagreed. And as I got thinking about it I wondered why? Am I really the same or have I changed? And if I've changed, how exactly? And is this change something only I see? And if I'm the only to see it is actually real?
So now after a few weeks of wondering, thinking, deliberating... maybe I haven't changed. Maybe I've just become comfortable with who I am. When you grow up in a small town, as small a town as I did anyway, you are not always loved for who you are. So when people say things like, just be yourself, you can't actually ever do that because once your true colors are out there you can't hide them, you can't take them back. You know that letting people see you, for who you actually are, can be a major step in the wrong direction. You are constantly editing yourself, your behavior to fit into some mold. I never did really fit. No matter how hard I tried and believe me I really tried. It's all I ever wanted really. Growing up I just wanted to blend in. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Even when you look at pictures with friends and I, it easy to see that that was never, absolutely never going to happen. All of my friends were blond, blue eyed, thin, cute. Not short but not exactly tall either. I'm only 5'9", red headed, dark eyes, curvy... could never be described as cute in a million years. You see where I'm going here, right? If I couldn't blend in physically why did I ever think I blended in any other capacity?
Then lets go ahead and focus on the fact that I'm not quiet. I talk. I talk a lot and it has taken me years to be okay with that. And in the years when I wasn't okay with it and tried to sensor my every word, I looked and felt horribly uncomfortable. Because I was. It just isn't who I am. I'm not a wall flower, I don't hang on anyone's every word and I certainly have an opinion of my own.
But when you are a teenager and interested in boys, as I certainly was, you just want to be like everyone else. I would look in the mirror and think, I'm sort of pretty, I have all the right things in all the right places, so why don't any of the boys in my home town like me? Looking back I can accept the fact that teenage boys are not comfortable with a girl who knows what she wants. Let's be honest most grown men aren't comfortable with a woman who knows what she wants. And even though I've definitely had interims of space where I was confused or searching, most of the time I know what it is exactly that I want in life and I'm striving to get it. I was never good at playing the games. Stroke the ego and such. I just wanted someone to like me for who I was.
I always thought of myself as a giving person, but that wasn't cool so I just found other ways to do it. Like volunteer work or extra curricular activities that focused on community service. I was mean to people when others were because that is how you are "supposed to act" when you are a teenager but it always chafed. I wish I had been one of those teenagers we read about now-a-days. The ones who grasp opportunities to change their communities, who are comfortable in their own skin, who are focused and driven. Don't get me wrong, I was very active in almost everything in HS but I wonder, did I do it for me? Or because I was grasping for something? I tried so hard to fit in that when I left and allowed myself to be who I was I thought I'd changed.
So circling back to this change thing. I guess that friend of mine was right. I haven't changed. I even look pretty much the same. I just like myself now. Or moved to a place where I was allowed to grow and like myself. I didn't stay there. I couldn't. I was never accepted. I never fit in and even today when I return I find myself trying to edit my behavior. There is a Cross Canadian Ragweed song that says you are always 17 in you hometown. Well, that's accurate! As soon as I hit HWY163, I feel the change take over. I'm 17 and racing the clock back from Angelo on a Saturday afternoon with Jessica in the front seat of my truck, singing John Cougar Mellencamp.
Hhhhmmmmmmm, and then I'm jolted back by a swift kick to the back of my seat.
So I was in Ozona recently doing jewelry shows for my mom and a friend from school. I made the comment that I think I've changed a lot since my HS days and my friend disagreed. And as I got thinking about it I wondered why? Am I really the same or have I changed? And if I've changed, how exactly? And is this change something only I see? And if I'm the only to see it is actually real?
So now after a few weeks of wondering, thinking, deliberating... maybe I haven't changed. Maybe I've just become comfortable with who I am. When you grow up in a small town, as small a town as I did anyway, you are not always loved for who you are. So when people say things like, just be yourself, you can't actually ever do that because once your true colors are out there you can't hide them, you can't take them back. You know that letting people see you, for who you actually are, can be a major step in the wrong direction. You are constantly editing yourself, your behavior to fit into some mold. I never did really fit. No matter how hard I tried and believe me I really tried. It's all I ever wanted really. Growing up I just wanted to blend in. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Even when you look at pictures with friends and I, it easy to see that that was never, absolutely never going to happen. All of my friends were blond, blue eyed, thin, cute. Not short but not exactly tall either. I'm only 5'9", red headed, dark eyes, curvy... could never be described as cute in a million years. You see where I'm going here, right? If I couldn't blend in physically why did I ever think I blended in any other capacity?
Then lets go ahead and focus on the fact that I'm not quiet. I talk. I talk a lot and it has taken me years to be okay with that. And in the years when I wasn't okay with it and tried to sensor my every word, I looked and felt horribly uncomfortable. Because I was. It just isn't who I am. I'm not a wall flower, I don't hang on anyone's every word and I certainly have an opinion of my own.
But when you are a teenager and interested in boys, as I certainly was, you just want to be like everyone else. I would look in the mirror and think, I'm sort of pretty, I have all the right things in all the right places, so why don't any of the boys in my home town like me? Looking back I can accept the fact that teenage boys are not comfortable with a girl who knows what she wants. Let's be honest most grown men aren't comfortable with a woman who knows what she wants. And even though I've definitely had interims of space where I was confused or searching, most of the time I know what it is exactly that I want in life and I'm striving to get it. I was never good at playing the games. Stroke the ego and such. I just wanted someone to like me for who I was.
I always thought of myself as a giving person, but that wasn't cool so I just found other ways to do it. Like volunteer work or extra curricular activities that focused on community service. I was mean to people when others were because that is how you are "supposed to act" when you are a teenager but it always chafed. I wish I had been one of those teenagers we read about now-a-days. The ones who grasp opportunities to change their communities, who are comfortable in their own skin, who are focused and driven. Don't get me wrong, I was very active in almost everything in HS but I wonder, did I do it for me? Or because I was grasping for something? I tried so hard to fit in that when I left and allowed myself to be who I was I thought I'd changed.
So circling back to this change thing. I guess that friend of mine was right. I haven't changed. I even look pretty much the same. I just like myself now. Or moved to a place where I was allowed to grow and like myself. I didn't stay there. I couldn't. I was never accepted. I never fit in and even today when I return I find myself trying to edit my behavior. There is a Cross Canadian Ragweed song that says you are always 17 in you hometown. Well, that's accurate! As soon as I hit HWY163, I feel the change take over. I'm 17 and racing the clock back from Angelo on a Saturday afternoon with Jessica in the front seat of my truck, singing John Cougar Mellencamp.
Hhhhmmmmmmm, and then I'm jolted back by a swift kick to the back of my seat.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
From where I'm sitting...
Life is a whirlwind right now. I haven' written in a while, not since my "outburst". Thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts, insights and for believing in me. I did get a part and am now in rehearsal. I'm daily reminded that it has been a while since I've done this. The rehearsal schedule reminds me that I have one week to get my lines memorized and no, typing it and re-reading it, did not make it seem less scary. It is still unbelievably petrifying... aaaahhhhhhhh!
The Christmas season is actively crawling its way to my door and that in and of itself is crazy! Where has this year gone? I know at the beginning of it I was pregnant, expecting my second little boy. And now he is almost 7 months old, huge and I'm pretty sure will be crawling by Christmas which is another active volcano of fear in my world.
I started selling Premier Design Jewelry which I am so far loving. I'll be honest and say that I started because something had to give financially. Two kiddos need a lot and I'm not good at budgeting so I had to find some way to bring in something extra. But I love jewelry, I love people, I love to talk, so this seemed like a great fit and like I said so far so good. I'd like/ love a little more work so if you are interested in hosting a party... please let me know... shameless plug done.
And as for my own business, The Jellybean Giraffe, I've been busy there as well. It's the season! Lots of custom clothes and bows and the such. I am however starting to not like my sewing machine so I may have to take a little break from ti for my own sanity.
I'm working on some ideas for some blog projects next year so I hope that they being to congeal in my head and really become something. I'll let you know more about those as they take root a little deeper. Okay that is all for today. I feel a little clearer. Back to the hot glue gun I go!
The Christmas season is actively crawling its way to my door and that in and of itself is crazy! Where has this year gone? I know at the beginning of it I was pregnant, expecting my second little boy. And now he is almost 7 months old, huge and I'm pretty sure will be crawling by Christmas which is another active volcano of fear in my world.
I started selling Premier Design Jewelry which I am so far loving. I'll be honest and say that I started because something had to give financially. Two kiddos need a lot and I'm not good at budgeting so I had to find some way to bring in something extra. But I love jewelry, I love people, I love to talk, so this seemed like a great fit and like I said so far so good. I'd like/ love a little more work so if you are interested in hosting a party... please let me know... shameless plug done.
And as for my own business, The Jellybean Giraffe, I've been busy there as well. It's the season! Lots of custom clothes and bows and the such. I am however starting to not like my sewing machine so I may have to take a little break from ti for my own sanity.
I'm working on some ideas for some blog projects next year so I hope that they being to congeal in my head and really become something. I'll let you know more about those as they take root a little deeper. Okay that is all for today. I feel a little clearer. Back to the hot glue gun I go!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)